extracts.

[burton.and.gas]

i have worked on this for a few days i like it right now but i think it needs work:

no one ever remembered you,
speak not of him,
the man is always right.

read it right the way through,
what is he saying?
about who?

you only have to finish not to win,
go go go,
well thats how it is.

chest wound D.O.A,
you need treatment,
no that's impossible.

dealer has black jack,
royal flush,
need some money.

you've entered,
the cult,
the classroom,
the race,
the hospital,
the casino,
and this is your extract.

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Ok this seems more like a poem than a song. As a poem I like it alot, as a song, well it needs to either be put to music and have solos in between each verse, or it needs to somehow be longer. Anyway nice job. I like the way that went. 8.7/10. :thumb:

Also please remember to vote in the best reviewers forum.

[burton.and.gas]

thanx for your feedback.

[I Am Vikingcore]

Can't add too much to the above, but I have to say the Chest wound DOA line sounds cliche.

[burton.and.gas]

ok kool thanks.

[espf-250htd06]

idk i thought the format of this song is really what was so cool about it the first crit i agree with here you did a nice job this is original but i just cant hear it being a song idk i might could be a cool song if done write

overall 8.2/10 check out my song checklist thanks cya

[burton.and.gas]

ok i iwll crit your song. anyone else who has posted want me to crit em? oh yeah u get rep points

[andy_roo_returns]

no one ever remembered you,
speak not of him,
the man is always right.

stay away from using "speak not" and "bla bla not"

read it right the way through,
what is he saying?
about who?

the whole way through? cause if it's the way through that's good too, just checking

you only have to finish not to win,
go go go,
well thats how it is.

catchy, poems are catchy too

chest wound D.O.A,
you need treatment,
no that's impossible.

dealer has black jack,
royal flush,
need some money.

i'd work on those two a bit, give em more substance

you've entered,
the cult,
the classroom,
the race,
the hospital,
the casino,
and this is your extract.

good ending baby

7/10, it could be better but a great poem's not out of reach if you work it out

you can read mine Man if you want, i just got shut down my Morrissey (no, it's not my first, far far far far from it)