Hey I'm back: 'Eclipse' - crit please

[vallely2004]

Hey I havent posted in here since I was on my old account many a month ago but anyways could you please crit the following song I have written. My band has nearly finished writing music for it but i just wanted to see what you guys thought since Ive been away so long. Its called Eclipse, I cant remember why i calle dit that, I did have a good reason :confused:

Eclipse

chorus
We pray for rain tomorrow
To soak the sun of today
All we ever wanted
All we wanted was change

verses
I’ve seen this day before
It flashes right by me
Slowly dragging on
Dragging on by

Our feet cemented down
The same aged routine
Of old grey disputes
White but never black

We’ve all had a dream
We’ve all had desires
We’re never near enough
They fade out to dust

You start over again
Hoping for an end
But if you’re kicked once more
You’ll never return

[morrissey]

Ok, I should be studying for an exam, but... nah. Sorry I won't go crazily in-depth, but hopefully this will suffice :thumb:

We pray for rain tomorrow
To soak the sun of today
All we ever wanted
All we wanted was change
I like songs that start of with the chorus, especially if it is catchy and hooks your ear right away. I could see this chorus doing it with the right music. Lyrically, I like the first two lines; it is bordering on cliche, because sooo many songs talk about rain/sun... but I really like the second line, so I can let that go. The next two lines aren't revolutionary, but I could see then as being catchy and accessible. So now complaints here.
4/5 <---- to Jesus, redwonder - I've started copying you guys :p

I’ve seen this day before
It flashes right by me
Slowly dragging on
Dragging on by
Blah. This is boring. Nothing really attracts me to it. It isn't horrible per se, but it has nothing positive going for it either. Rather bland.
2/5

Our feet cemented down
The same aged routine
Of old grey disputes
White but never black
This is good. The cement ties in with the grey, and grey works with white/black, so the whole stanza ties together nicely. That is good work. Lyrically, this is better than the last verse, but once again... nothing too special here.
3/5

We’ve all had a dream
We’ve all had desires
We’re never near enough
They fade out to dust
Meh. Cliched and boring. My advice - try to move away from lines that we have all heard 1000 times before. Because we get bored of them after a while :thumb:
2/5

You start over again
Hoping for an end
But if you’re kicked once more
You’ll never return
Yeah, this isn't an impressive ending. Sorry, it doesn't work for me.

You only really have a couple good elements in this song, the rest are rather cliched. That being said, if you pull it off with the right music, you could have a catchy tune here. But as it stands, it doesn't really work for me.

6/10

PLEASE VOTE!
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=273177