Trancendental Tour of the Mind

[Permanent Solution]

Ignorance that’s worn like a warm blanket
Acceptance is shallow when given so lightly
Shrill screams pierce the stillness nightly
Ripples in flat water coalescing to an end

Frosty fingers creep along the winter pane
A chill that rides the spine like a wave
Crashing down to a fate no one could crave
Needling sewn threads to tightly mend

Rapid intellectual oscillations plague
Subversive notions of a sorrow so great
Useless writhing like a worm used as bait
Regrets of a meeting you did not attend

Mindless ping-pong matches infect the psyche
A cold Winter breeze raises hair to stand on edge
Diversity is driven between like a smooth wedge
Glossy vision and crossed eyes as the images blend

A finger stuck in the throat of the intellect,
Induced vomit cleanses the soul of the cancer
Purgation given as a gift of the necromancer
The crumpling impact of the corpse, softly deadened

__________________________________________________ __________
Gimme a break, it's 3 am :(

[sparkylp2002]

Ignorance that’s worn like a warm blanket
Acceptance is shallow when given so lightly
Shrill screams piece the stillness nightly
Ripples in flat water coalescing to an end

Good way to open this piece up with. Not much i can say negative here.

Frosty fingers creep along the winter pane
A chill that rides the spine like a wave
Crashing down to a fate no one can brave
Needling sewing threads to tightly mend

I really like the line "A chill that rides the spine like a wave". I can't find anything wrong with this verse.

Rapid intellectual oscillations plague
Subversive notions of a sorrow so great
Useless writhing like a worm used as fish bait
Futile regrets of a meeting you did not attend

Another good verse here. Once again nothing negative i can come up with on this verse.

Mindless ping-pong matches infect the psyche
A cold Winter breeze raises hair to stand on edge
Diversity between is driven like a smooth wedge
Glossy vision due to crossed eyes as images blend

Yet another good verse. My only gripe is the first verse. The "ping-pong" part doesnt fit in with the rest of the piece.

A finger stuck in the throat of the intellect,
Induced vomit cleanses the soul of the cancer
Purgation given as a gift of the necromancer
The crumpling impact of the corpse, softly deadened

I really like the first line of this verse. Ok everything is good in this verse. Nothing negative i can find here.

In conclusion this piece was excellent. You forced me to increase my vocabulary, I had to look up a few words here. You get a well earned 9.3/10

If you wouldnt mind crit my song, here is a link to my song.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=273221

[xKONRADx]

try and do a syllable count to make sure they are all right. i think the fish bait line is off, in which case i suggest taking out the words used and fish. they arent needed. everyone would still get the picture just as easily.

EDIT:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=273769

ps i didnt tell you ealier, but the song kicks. word.

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Ok big words, nice metaphors, and it was 3 A.M? Wow you are certainly a genius my friend. I dont see much wrong with this. Good job. :thumb:
9.5/10

[DougJI]

Ignorance that’s worn like a warm blanket
Acceptance is shallow when given so lightly
Shrill screams piece the stillness nightly
Ripples in flat water coalescing to an end

I like this verse. You used a cliche, without using a cliche (ignorance is bliss) and manage to express it as a simile. 8/10

Frosty fingers creep along the winter pane
A chill that rides the spine like a wave
Crashing down to a fate no one can brave
Needling sewing threads to tightly mend

I really like this verse. Keeps the flow up, and sets a nice rhyming scheme up with the last lines. Good visuals, nice use of words. 9/10

Rapid intellectual oscillations plague
Subversive notions of a sorrow so great
Useless writhing like a worm used as fish bait
Futile regrets of a meeting you did not attend

To many syllables in the last two lines. It kind of disupts the flow a little, but it still sounds good. If you take off "Useless" and "Futile" you pick up the flow, but lose some of the feeling, but if its just for poetry, its pretty awesome, 8/10.

Mindless ping-pong matches infect the psyche
A cold Winter breeze raises hair to stand on edge
Diversity between is driven like a smooth wedge
Glossy vision due to crossed eyes as images blend

I like this verse a lot. But you seem to be picking up words and syllables as you go along... but it only adds to the vision within the poem. 8/10

A finger stuck in the throat of the intellect,
Induced vomit cleanses the soul of the cancer
Purgation given as a gift of the necromancer
The crumpling impact of the corpse, softly deadened

I dont think this verse fits very well, even though it kicks the ***. The other verses give the feeling off as "wintery" sorta feeling, but this is just raw, gutsy stuff. Awesome, flows but doesnt fit the idea behind the poem in my opinion. 7/10

Overall the poem geta a 8.5/10 Good work for 3am :thumb:

EDIT: Crit for crit?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=273318

[Nightvision]

Ignorance that’s worn like a warm blanket
Acceptance is shallow when given so lightly
Shrill screams piece the stillness nightly
Ripples in flat water coalescing to an end

First things first, I'm being nitpicky, but do you mean "shrill screams pierce..."? anyways...
You said earlier you'd dumbed it down a bit, and yeah, you're right - this is more accessible than your usual stuff is, although that's not to say your usual stuff suffers for it. This is a good start, and I'd expect nothing less from you.

Frosty fingers creep along the winter pane
A chill that rides the spine like a wave
Crashing down to a fate no one can brave
Needling sewing threads to tightly mend

wave/brave? ooooouch. You can do better than that, dude. The imagery is good, but that rhyme (intentional or otherwise) really hurts.

Rapid intellectual oscillations plague
Subversive notions of a sorrow so great
Useless writhing like a worm used as fish bait
Futile regrets of a meeting you did not attend

It might just be me, but you seem to have the same problem as I noticed with APS recently... whereas he was using the imagery of the floor repeatedly in songs, you're using the word 'subversive' in a fair few songs recently (I'm too lazy to check this, so shoot me if I'm wrong...) as someone mentioned above, that third line has a few too many words in it - it should be easy enough to trim - it's always easier to take words away than it is to add them, I find. Other than that, this was good enough.

Mindless ping-pong matches infect the psyche
A cold Winter breeze raises hair to stand on edge
Diversity between is driven like a smooth wedge
Glossy vision due to crossed eyes as images blend

Hehe, the word ping-pong always gets a smile out of me - don't know why... This is another solid stanza, and I wish I could say more about it. Although I did notice another use of the 'cold' imagery ('frosty fingers' was used earlier) if this is a continuing theme, you may need to use it a few more times in the song, or it won't come across, if it isn't, then watch the repeated imagery...

A finger stuck in the throat of the intellect,
Induced vomit cleanses the soul of the cancer
Purgation given as a gift of the necromancer
The crumpling impact of the corpse, softly deadened

A very dark finish. The first line was particularly strong, well done. Other than that, I can't really add much here.

Overall:
For someone with writer's block, you're writing awfully well... Bastard.
This was at least on a par with your usual stuff... once again, this was nothing remarkable, and never really made me go "wow, that's really good" but on the same note, never made me go "god, why am I critting this?" You're certainly a consistent writer.

7.8/10

[theredwonder]

i thought it was high time to crit a zep piece, so i am! :ha, beat that ****:

Ignorance that’s worn like a warm blanket
Acceptance is shallow when given so lightly
Shrill screams pierce the stillness nightly
Ripples in flat water coalescing to an end

lovely opener. this stanza is beautiful. the last line confused me a little, but don't worry, i got it in the end (im sure i had your hair falling out there) you seem to have worded this almost perfectly. but perhaps i prefer the first two lines, i'm not 100% sure. anyway

5/5

Frosty fingers creep along the winter pane
A chill that rides the spine like a wave
Crashing down to a fate no one can brave
Needling sewing threads to tightly mend

winter pane doesn't agree with me. i don't like this kind of description. the second line however... pure gold. pure, solid, glorious, GOLD! that is easily one of the best lines i have read on these forums. next line is also impressive, although you managed to just pull off what seems like a little forced rhyme there. the next line however brings it down for me. its, just not right, not complete. should be full marks, but

4.5/10

Rapid intellectual oscillations plague
Subversive notions of a sorrow so great
Useless writhing like a worm used as fish bait
Futile regrets of a meeting you did not attend

and then comes your tendency for big words. now, i won't say i haven't got anything against them, because they're not really to my taste, but i thought you were getting on just beautifully without them. it destroys what you're saying for so many people, i just can't abide their use here. in what could be such a perfect piece. but, having said that, i have nothing particularly constructive to say about this :p

3/5

Mindless ping-pong matches infect the psyche
A cold Winter breeze raises hair to stand on edge
Diversity between is driven like a smooth wedge
Glossy vision due to crossed eyes as images blend

that third line made me laugh. im sure you've said what you wanted to say, but you've forced that line so much i nearly cried. or perhaps the other was... ooo now im confused. last line didn't do it for me either. rather strangely structured. but, the first line was nice, keep that.

3.5/10

A finger stuck in the throat of the intellect,
Induced vomit cleanses the soul of the cancer
Purgation given as a gift of the necromancer
The crumpling impact of the corpse, softly deadened

ooo, nice first two lines. i liked that. was tasty. purgation... i can easily guess its meaning if its a word, but im really not sure it is. the last two lines are a little dark, but fairly nice nevertheless.

4.5/10

so... the dreaded Final Verdict

well when i started this, the first two stanza's literally made my day, absolutely sensational. then it all went crazy, you destroyed the quaint world you had absorbed me into, and i wasn't pleased. but, if this is how you like it, then fair doos. sorry my comments weren't very constructive, just... well comments really. anyways

8.2/10

but it could have gone up 1.5 grades if it carried on like it started, not to put you down or anything. man i take myself way too seriously. :smokes on ego, then wonders whats happened over the past few days to create it:

[bard2dbone]

Wow.

That's coooooool.

Um. I mean. Sure I'll take a look too. I can't believe no one has commented on the cool factor of rhyming the last line of the stanza WITH THE LAST LINE OF EVERY OTHER STANZA! Genius! That's a great trick and I'm going to steal it. :)


The last line of the first stanza sounds odd with 'needling sewing.' the '-ing-ing' sounds felt wrong. 'Winter pane' is COOL. I mean come on. It says a 'window in winter time' in three syllables in stead of seven.

And I would definitely remove 'fish' from the stanza involving 'writhing like a worm.' It's much stronger without it.

'Diversity between is driven?' Hmmmm I'll have to take back some of the respect I just gave you.

I totally dug the mental vomiting in the last stanza. Heavy. Seriously heavy.

I give it a 9/10.

[Permanent Solution]

bumped so you can read my editing :)

I used a lot of your suggestions people, so I am curious how you think, better, worse?

Always appreciate fresh crits too (Mozza, *cough*) :)

[morrissey]

black dot for you? yes.
Critique now? nope.
Later? possibly.

[severed_heaven]

Shame on you Zep, maybe crit later though.

[theredwonder]

hmmm. it didn't really change the bits that bugged me in the first place, so meh! but its still a good song. :smoke ambigiously:

anyways, could i ask you to return the crit on -

Me And Your Photographs

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=274580

[DoubtingVada]

Here's a promise to crit this later ...
I planned on doing it now, but I have too much to say and not enough time.

[morrissey]

I hate being serious.. it is so boring.


But I really should right? Because if I ever expect to get off the wall, I might just have to. I should really thank you for taking the time out of your stressful life to make an example of me and put me on the wall, I really should. Because when you boil everything down, I really am the worst spammer on here. Not that I think that is a bad thing. It is actually quite entertaining. And when you add to it the fact that I make myself laugh, it is even better.

I used to try to critique every song on here.. but then I realized that it was actually quite pointless because soooo many members don't even concentrate on what you say. They just pass off your comments and move on. And that is really quite frustrating, especially when I put effort into the critiques. In fact, taht is the main reason why I don't use the "system" anymore. It was very time-consuming and detailed, but after spending 30 minutes or so writing out this practical essay, I would get no response in return. So I decided to stop doing that with noobs, it just wasn't worth it.

And then I went through my first laziness period... I stopped using the system. I went with simple paragraphs, or perhpas the verse by verse whiich is so popular. ANd every now and again I get a little burst of energy, and I critique some songs. But I've been noticing that there are soooo many crap songs that aren't even worth a word's reply. So I started this new phase. You could say it was mean, perhaps it was. It entertained me to no end, so that is good. ANd if the writer took it seriously, well, they got a massive ego boost. So I started writing really glowing critiques about the worst aspects of the song. And I found it to be hilarious. Say whatever you will... it was pretty **** funny. But of course those take time too... so I started just saying this song sucks. Things along those lines.

But I soon realized that, while it made me feel superior about my own writing (which, lets be honest, is not much better than some of the worst crap that pops up on these forums), my negative comments didn't do much. So I stopped that, and concentrated on the postive aspects of even the worst songs.

That was when the trouble started to happen: I would put much effort into critiquing terrible songs, to really help them out. But numerous users still took offence to my comments. Of course, the Morrissey Hate era had arrived. And I found it amuisng. I still do, no doubt. And it is an ever-growing group. Which makes me happy, but it also made me realize once again that wasting my time on long critiques was kind of useless. Because honestly, who cares, right? SO I went back to spamming, and to having fun.

Then came the multiple thread closings. And I felt bad, because I had encouraged a number of new users to spam. And that is something which should be discouraged. So I've tried to stop that. And the wall helped I suppose, we shall see. But then I noticed I was having no fun. I was just writing boring replies to boring songs about boring subjects.

So now I'm back. You may have noticed I left behind my classic Mozza avatar about a week ago, for a serious, older Moz. Sure, I kinked him up, gayicized him to no end, but it was more serious. Of course, tonight I discovered this beautiful picture. Which I would like to keep for a while. Lets call it the new Mozza... kind of serious (black and white is serious, right?), kind of funny (really freaking funny actually...), mixed in with a whole lot of gay. We'll see if it works out.


About the song... the reason I ranted forever is because I don't actually have anything to say about the song. It is good as usual, impressive, smart, cool rhyme scheme, you're awesome etc. etc. etc. The standard lines. Good work.

Overall 3.65/10

/did you actually read that? hahahaha

[theredwonder]

/did you actually read that? hahahaha

i did :upset: but mozza, just one thing. where are your christmassy jingle bells for the new avatar? and zep, you know how much i love you*... :smoke:

*want a crit

[morrissey]

i did :upset: but mozza, just one thing. where are your christmassy jingle bells for the new avatar? and zep, you know how much i love you*... :smoke:

*want a crit

aww I love this place. Sorry about that. And don't worry, this will be gayicized later on :thumb:

[theredwonder]

aww I love this place. Sorry about that. And don't worry, this will be gayicized later on :thumb:

so do i! how do they get all the good people... or me... to post here!? :smoke:

[DoubtingVada]

Zep, you know you're awesome, you don't need me to tell you that ...
Let's see if I can find any flaws in this ....

Ignorance that’s worn like a warm blanket

I don't like that line simply because I don't like the picture it brings into my mind. Of course, that's just me.

Frosty fingers creep along the winter pane
A chill that rides the spine like a wave

I love that ^^ Just thought you should know.

Crashing down to a fate no one could crave

That seems to be worded a little weird - just the word 'crave'

Mindless ping-pong matches infect the psyche

<3 That line ^^

Diversity is driven between like a smooth wedge

The word 'wedge' seems a little awkward.

A finger stuck in the throat of the intellect,

I really like that line too ^^

Induced vomit cleanses the soul of the cancer
Purgation given as a gift of the necromancer
The crumpling impact of the corpse, softly deadened

This is too dark for me. I'm a naive emo child, leave me alone
/cries

Really tho, this is awesome. And forgive me for the bad crit, I'm sick
/excuses :(

[factor46]

Despite everyone else's comments, I really like this piece. I like the descriptive wording and imagery. I liked this line the best:

"Ripples in flat water coalescing to an end"

....Coalescing. Great word man. The contradiction was cool too.

I also like the last stanza, with the whole "vomit" bit.
This song was jam-packed full of good stuff. :D

Overall - 8.3/10 :thumb:


could you crit mine?
http://musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=275525
-thanks