Freedom and Control(poem)

[clichealais]

Just rewrote a concept i had in my first attempt at poetry. I won't bother posting the link, but I'll tell you now that it wasn't very poetic, and it was bland.. more like a short story. I feel I can now better represent these ideas. And I'm also tired that since last weekend I haven't offered many critiques. I've just been lazy.. no excuse. (EDIT: I MESSED UP A FEW STANZAS, ACCIDENTLY HIGHLIGHTED AND MOVED, SO THERE WERE SOME RANDOM LINES)

Freedom and Control

Last night I watched as an ant scavenged over the remains of a stale sandwich.. I observed it as it struggled to carry the crumbs across the hardwood floor.
It’s antennae must have sent it some kind of message of my presence, yet it persisted to crawl.
I picked it up, and placed it between my finger and my thumb, I felt the tickle of it’s legs while it pressed against my skin, as I kept it immobile.
I squeezed a little tighter, and I could feel the crush of exoskeleton between my fingers.
I set it back to the hardwood, and I watched it struggle across the floor, yet this time, it bared no dried up crumb, it’s new intentions, were to flee,
The situation… I appeased it's broken falls and stumbles, but it was going no where.
I picked it up, placed it between my thumb and pointer, this time I couldn’t feel as many legs tickling my skin. I whispered, even though it couldn’t hear,
“I can set you free”, and I set it back to the floor, and watched as it fell stuck in one of the cracks,
drawn too wide. So I repeated, “I can set you free” and I picked it up and placed it back to the floor. And as it took it's first step, I raised my hand to
the air, and crushed it with the palm of my hand. I wiped away the carcass and whispered the words,
"Free at last."

[bard2dbone]

Feeling a little dark, are we?

If you are planning to do it as a spoken word piece, I could see it and it's not even nearly as bad as some I've heard. *shudders* I think I could enjoy it as a post-beatnik style spoken word piece.

But I have a hard time picturing someone trying to sing this in its current form. Is it supposed to work as lyrics or ONLY as poetry? I know lots of things do both, and well. I just can't picture a tune that can carry this.

If you have a tune that works then ignore my thoughts.

[clichealais]

This is just dramatically expressed poetry.

[bard2dbone]

I can see it working spoken over a slow drum groove, with maybe a quiet drone instrument as well. A didgeridu? Perhaps. Long pauses at significant moments.

The kids would eat it up.

I payed some of my bills in paramedic school as a bouncer. It's a convenient field for a 300 lb man. The place I worked at had several bars under one roof. One did a poetry night.

It was ugly.

[rohbit]

It needs tablas!! TABLAAAAAAS!

[clichealais]

^Huh?

[IOWNU200]

I was impressed. Awesome subject, and the way you presented was brilliant. Very effective poetry. I think if poetry makes you think hard on something it's as effective as it needs to be, and it made me think, great work

[clichealais]

Thanks a lot, I appreciate it.

I'm gonna go on a critique spree now.

[rohbit]

tabalas

inidian drums...

for background...

[clichealais]

Oh, sorry I'm just ignorant :p

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Wow, that was depressing. But I liked how it went. Did you actually do this or was this just a metaphor for something. You are good at poems and you should really keep it up.
9.3/10.

[metaliq]

Ahh im late, but I owe you this so ill do it anyway... I noticed you havent been here for 2 days so hopefully you will log back in, my bad... usualyl I am more punctual :).

Ehh... Its poetry, but I do not find much solace or comfort in the style... I prefer rhythm in my poetry (just a preference). But besides that point... I did find that you described it pretty well, more of a journal I guess. :-/ Sorry... I prefer things with beats... anyway, keep it up.