Sunday Skies and Monday Lies

[Sloth]

I wrote this about a friend who.. .. ..well.. .. ..isn't the smartest kid in the world and decide that being kicked out of his house (about 2-4 different places by now) and getting into drugs, younger girls, lying, getting arrested, and abandoning friends was a fun idea.. I'm rather fond of this one myself, but you can change my opinions i suppose..

Crits are most appreciated and won't be overlooked.

Sunday Skies and Monday Lies

a time when innocence seems precious
a look that doesn't speak is delerious
a game to play but never try to win
a friend that jumps out, after helping him in

take a number and have a seat
learn no longer then turn to me
doesn't seem right, it doesn't feel fare
stare into that old picture frame
underneath those Sunday skies
doesn't mean that you are there

with time to run, you're sneaking back
your chance to play but you steal the dice
autumn leaves spring of rain
and turns to frost in the coldest nights

take a number and have a seat
trust no longer and turn from me
never feels right, it never feels fare
change everything, it still looks the same
truth be told threw Monday lies
doesn't mean that I don't care

every turn you take is a turn off the track
try again, but not tomorrow, please not today
with no time at all there's no coming back
summer can't wipe away winter's stain

___
As you can probably tell, i had some trouble with the end.. ANY crits or comments are MORE than welcome..
crit honestly please.. thank you VERY much for the read
-Sloth

[DougJI]

The whole poem seemed extremely choppy. I can't pick up a sense of rhythym or flow at all. The Rhyming isnt spectacular, and the rhyming scheme was... non existant. The last verse you were "having trouble with" was probably you're best verse.

4/10

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=5737581#post5737581
Crit for crit.

[bard2dbone]

I mostly disagree with Doug. I pretty much dig it. I think I like a frequently looser rhyme scheme than he will tolerate. (In the song I'm re-writing right now, I matched up 'chance' and 'regrets.') But I agree that the last stanza is better than you seem to think it is.

Pros : The title is great. If you don't keep this song (Hey. It could happen.) I want that title. Maybe for an album. I see an evolution throughout the verses. I like that, even if it is an evolution that I wouldn't like in real life. You carried the story well. The choruses paint a pretty good picture of a disinterested student who grows away from his friends. That was good too.


Cons : (Personal Peeve here-spelling. It drives me nuts. Delirious and fair, please. It was distracting, but you don't lose points for it.) Improper use of the word, delirious. It didn't make sense, there. 'Autumn leaves spring of rain' :confused: Really didn't like that line. There might be a situation that it fits. This isn't it.

That's it, I think. I'd call it a 8.5/10. (Don't be indignant. I think of a B+ as a good grade. Most things fall in the 6-7/10 range.)

[sparkylp2002]

a time when innocence seems precious
a look that doesn't speak is delerious
a game to play but never try to win
a friend that jumps out, after helping him in

I like the opening line of this verse a lot. This whole verse is good and is a good way to open this piece up a lot.

take a number and have a seat
learn no longer then turn to me
doesn't seem right, it doesn't feel fare
stare into that old picture frame
underneath those Sunday skies
doesn't mean that you are there

Very good on this part. The first two lines are excellent. My only gripe is that the last line doesnt seem to fit in. It throws off the flow a bit.

with time to run, you're sneaking back
your chance to play but you steal the dice
autumn leaves spring of rain
and turns frost in the coldest nights

The first line of this verse is a bit choppy. I suggest rewording the first line a bit. I really like the line "your chance to play but you steal the dice".

take a number and have a seat
trust no longer and turn from me
never feels right, it never feels fare
change everything, it still looks the same
truth be told threw Monday lies
doesn't mean that I don't care

Well the first half is the same as the other verse like this so yet let me look at the last half. My only gripe with this is the last line of this verse isnt worded very well in my opinion.

every turn you take is a turn off the track
try again, but not tomorrow, please not today
with no time at all there's no coming back
summer can't wipe away winter's stain

The first line is excellent. The second line is really good too. Ok this whole verse is good. Except not a good way to end this piece off.

In conclusion this piece was good. My main gripe is that you need to add another verse to end this piece off. I give your piece a 8.5/10

Here is a link to my song if you wouldn' mind crit my song
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=273221

[Sloth]

thanks..

?

[Sloth]

please?

[Nalphe]

a time when innocence seems precious
a look that doesn't speak is delerious
a game to play but never try to win
a friend that jumps out, after helping him in

i can get the point very clear for the first 3 lines, but the last line just doesnt suit the others above.

take a number and have a seat
learn no longer then turn to me
doesn't seem right, it doesn't feel fare
stare into that old picture frame
underneath those Sunday skies
doesn't mean that you are there

"stare into that old picture frame
underneath those Sunday skies
doesn't mean that you are there" very poetic.

with time to run, you're sneaking back
your chance to play but you steal the dice
autumn leaves spring of rain
and turns to frost in the coldest nights

u create an atmosphere here so to strengthen the meaning of this stanza, gd work....( try some "big" words when u want to describe the "environment"~hope u know what i mean here~.....thesauraus will be the best helping hand! )

take a number and have a seat
trust no longer and turn from me
never feels right, it never feels fare
change everything, it still looks the same
truth be told threw Monday lies
doesn't mean that I don't care

i like the second line, it explains, clearly, strongly....as well as the forth line
gd ending for this stanza :"doesnt mean that i dont care"

every turn you take is a turn off the track
try again, but not tomorrow, please not today
with no time at all there's no coming back
summer can't wipe away winter's stain

first line is wierdo; last line is the best line!

read more poetry and learn new words....good try
4.5/10 ( i maybe not so good in crit ...wat ever..)

*i prefer more atmospheric poem

[Sloth]

I see what you're saying and thanks a bunch for the crit.. but for this, I obviously went with the simple stance..
thesauraus will be the best helping hand It can also be the worst..

I read a ton of poetry.. but the poetic strictness (?) isn't quite my style. . I experiment with it once in a while though. If you had the time to look, I had a couple poems on here a few days ago..

thanks.... Anyone else?

[xKONRADx]

its kind of hard to understande everything, without the intoduction paragraph before the song i probably would have been somewhat lost. this metaphore doesnt seem to work for me "your chance to play but you steal the dice"

[theredwonder]

The things i have to do to get a decent crit around here :rolleyes:

a time when innocence seems precious
a look that doesn't speak is delirious
a game to play but never try to win
a friend that jumps out, after helping him in

bah. first line, grr. its ok the second... what. that adjective is a little, obscure/unclear/wrong. im not sure. the next to lines i prefer, mainly the third. but for an opening stanza, this is pretty weak. sorry. but as always, just my opinion. if you like it, screw me :naughty:

2/5

take a number and have a seat
learn no longer then turn to me
doesn't seem right, it doesn't feel fair
stare into that old picture frame
underneath those Sunday skies
doesn't mean that you are there

3rd line, bah! :smash: you can do much better, im sure. otherwise, its a little unclear, the images you're giving me are so vague. i don't know, maybe im just crazy. Sunday skies is this some kind of religious reference? thats the feeling i got.

3/5

with time to run, you're sneaking back
your chance to play but you steal the dice
autumn leaves spring of rain
and turns to frost in the coldest nights

2nd line is striving to reach the "inspired" status, but just falling short im afraid. i hate references to autumn leaves, so for me that destroyed it, but... meh.

3/5

take a number and have a seat
trust no longer and turn from me
never feels right, it never feels fair
change everything, it still looks the same
truth be told through? Monday lies
doesn't mean that I don't care

hmm, good attempt at altering the first chorus. you seem to have kept the structure nicely, but the lyrics here aren't as good. Monday lies is this referring to the lies told on monday about what happened/didn't happen the Sunday? thats what im getting from it anyway.

still a 3/5 since, if im right about the Monday lies it makes up for the other lyrics.

every turn you take is a turn off the track
try again, but not tomorrow, please not today
with no time at all there's no coming back
summer can't wipe away winter's stain

don't like the repetition in the 1st and 3rd lines. second line not too bad though, actually quite impressive. the last line bugs me a little, as obviously spring follows winter, so it would be more sensible for the spring to wipe it away, but summer still works. just, not quite as well. but i get the feeling you're making a reference to what happened in the summer/winter, so fair play.

3/5

overall

i wasn't too impressed im afraid. but mainly because i have seen some great work from you, and this was nowhere near that standard. it was so unclear and the lines were too...bland. :smoke:

6/10

but maybe with a little reworking, this could be better.

when you get the time could you repay the favour? -

God Stole My Seat

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=273863

[espf-250htd06]

Sunday Skies and Monday Lies

a time when innocence seems precious
a look that doesn't speak is delerious
a game to play but never try to win
a friend that jumps out, after helping him in

win and in are pretty simple ryhmes but i wouldnt consider changing this the metaphors here are priceless nice job

take a number and have a seat
learn no longer then turn to me
doesn't seem right, it doesn't feel fare
stare into that old picture frame
underneath those Sunday skies
doesn't mean that you are there

flow is still good like the first line this is a bit confusing but still good

with time to run, you're sneaking back
your chance to play but you steal the dice
autumn leaves spring of rain
and turns to frost in the coldest nights

keep the same format so far nice writing i think turns to frost in the coldest nights could be changed to something better, and you change from dice to weather and i dont know why i like it better when theres a straight topic atleast through the verse

take a number and have a seat
trust no longer and turn from me
never feels right, it never feels fare
change everything, it still looks the same
truth be told threw Monday lies
doesn't mean that I don't care

as good as other verse like this

every turn you take is a turn off the track
try again, but not tomorrow, please not today
with no time at all there's no coming back
summer can't wipe away winter's stain

i like the first line its cool and so is weather you dont keep a straight topic once again but it worked out

overall 8.8/10 nice song

check out my song called checklist thanks

[jurialmunkey]

I don't know what doug is on about, Rhyming Scheme??? Who ever said that rhymes make a good lyric??? its vowel movements and syllable structure that makes good lyrics... rhymes are just an easy way to make compatable vowel and word sounds.

I find that these lyrics flow quite nicely aswell.

but on the badside... I don't find anything in here terribly impressing either. It's just average... a fairly average subject that is executed in an average way. It expresses the theme in an easily understandible fashion but thats it... theres no depth to it, no emotion, its written in shades of gray.

That said, your stanza structuring is very strong. There are no loose lines that have words just to fill a syllable count or lines that are stretched and crammed with too many syllables in order to express an idea.

Overall: It's a strong piece of work that is structurely sound but lacks depth, imagination and emotion. I feel detached from it because it doesn't immerse me. It uses minimal and simplistic poetic devices and doesn't allude to much imagery. An average piece but leaves alot of room for improvement. With some work this could be a great piece.

6/10