This is my First Attempt at writing lyrics.... go easy!!

[goldenchimp]

the song is without a title at this time

if it sux, let me have it, i want to hear every little nitpick u guys got...if u think it is beyaond repair say so, but if u can give me some kind of reason for your reply, it would make this proccess a whole lot easier on me

without further delay....

I hate this feeling, this feeling again
Gnawing at my stomach, killing me from within
It’s A million emotions, felt all at once
It’s a rollercoaster that I want off

Chorus

Obsessive, compulsive, neurotic, insane
Your labels do nothing but increase my pain
I have no clue on life, I just ride the wave
Keep your tears inside, I cannot be saved

Chorus

My plans become bare, stripped of life
I throw down my shield, and I welcome the knife
But my hopes are not broken, they are saved by you
You make me feel love, sanity, truth.

Chorus

havnt thought of a chorus, thanx for reading!!!

[DougJI]

I really like the flow coming out of this. The rhyming is alright, however, it is a massively overdone subject (A rollercoaster of emotions).

I hate this feeling, this feeling again
Gnawing at my stomach, killing me from within
It’s A million emotions, felt all at once
It’s a rollercoaster that I want off

I have a pet peeve with repitiveness within the same line. Also, the rhyming on this verse is not very good, I recommend re-writing this verse.

7/10

[BlastFunk03]

if it sucks
let me have it
i want to hear every little nitpick you got
if you think it is beyond repair
say so, but if you can
give me some kind of reason for your reply
it would make this proccess
a whole lot easier on me



now theirs a song!

[crazydrummerdude]

....it's.....um....a bit angry for me, but its good for what it's supposed to deliver

[HomeCatMickey8]

Its pretty good. You pulled of the rhyming pretty good.

[goldenchimp]

if it sucks
let me have it
i want to hear every little nitpick you got
if you think it is beyond repair
say so, but if you can
give me some kind of reason for your reply
it would make this proccess
a whole lot easier on me



now theirs a song!

well, technically i wrote that, so i better not see those words in the titletrack that lauches yur band into superstardom!!!

[clichealais]

I hate this feeling, this feeling again
Gnawing at my stomach, killing me from within
It’s A million emotions, felt all at once
It’s a rollercoaster that I want off

This isn't the best verse i've ever read, but it isn't the worst either. The second line is probably my favorite. Line 3- A million emotions seems kind of bland to me, your just telling me, I don't have a sense that you've felt that many emotions. Line 4- comparrison of feelings to rollercoasters is so over done. Not to mention a bad roller coaster hardly lives up to the feeling of millions of contradicting feelings.



Obsessive, compulsive, neurotic, insane
Your labels do nothing but increase my pain
I have no clue on life, I just ride the wave
Keep your tears inside, I cannot be saved

Line 1-Alright, nice use of adjectives... Line 2- If someone calls you things, I doubt that their intentions are anything but increasing your pain. Line 3- If you really rode the wave, you'd let her save you ;) Letting down your guard: it's the hip thing to do. Line 4- Meh, their intentions are to save you? And cry over you? After they just called you all those names? Meh.

Chorus

My plans become bare, stripped of life
I throw down my shield, and I welcome the knife
But my hopes are not broken, they are saved by you
You make me feel love, sanity, truth.

Line 1- you have a pessamistic tone, as if you are contemplating suicide.. note stripped of life. Line 2- You throw down the shield.. and welcome the knife... I believe you are saying basically, you're letting down your guard, and attempting to let her stab you to your senses? Meh, stabbing someone isn't really saving them, but I get the idea. Line 3+4- I think I was right about this, though I'm not sure. You could be using humanism on the knife and saying that you give yourself the false sense that you are now a more sane, loving and truthful person..

Overall, not the best I've read, and not really my kind of piece. But it was okay, especially considering it's your first song.

If you get a chance check out my latest poem, Freedom and Control.

Good Luck,

Jake

[thirdeyeblindislit]

I hate this feeling, this feeling again
Gnawing at my stomach, killing me from within
It’s A million emotions, felt all at once
It’s a rollercoaster that I want off
(Ok I like the a million emotions at once thing. Pretty good. There is not much wrong with this verse really.)

Chorus
(The song problibly should have been written when you thought of the chorus.)

Obsessive, compulsive, neurotic, insane
Your labels do nothing but increase my pain
I have no clue on life, I just ride the wave
Keep your tears inside, I cannot be saved

(Ok the first two lines of this verse were amazing but then it started to slip. You may want to change the I have no clue on life. It is really not flowing for some reason.)
Chorus

My plans become bare, stripped of life
I throw down my shield, and I welcome the knife
But my hopes are not broken, they are saved by you
You make me feel love, sanity, truth.

(Ok my pans become bare doesnt really seem to flow with me either. The I welcome the knife part is great. The last line of this verse however should definately be change.)

Chorus

Thirdeye's verdict:
Its not bad for the first song. I think that it could have been alot better with some of the verses but nothing that cant be changed. I have to say that some wording in there was very good and could make the whole song. Anyway nice job and keep it up. 8.2/10. :thumb:

[burton.and.gas]

well i can tell its your first song. but its better than my first song was. overall i think it is too short. i think you have killed it before it coudl go somewhere. your imagery coudl improve but it will over time anyway. also teh song seems quite eclectic, its dperessing liek emo but not whiney like emo, it also seems angry like punk. it also has a certain feeling of more personal metal. but it is not a perfect representative. so u appear not to have found what exactly u want to write yet. so keep goin and u will probably find gold after a while.

[burton.and.gas]

oh yeh btw its still a good song

[goldenchimp]

Thank u very much, i am revising it as a type and will have a new version (with maybe a chorus?!) in an hour or two

[goldenchimp]

Took me less time than I thought, but im stumped for a new verse (I thought it was short too)

I hate this feeling, this feeling again
Gnawing at my stomach, killing me from within
Its A million emotions, felt all at once
An Undescribed numbness I cant let go

Obsessive, compulsive, neurotic, insane
Your labels do nothing but increase my pain
You force them upon me to fuel this fire
Charring my brain to do as you desire

(I would like an uplifting part here. Like a drowning victim emerging from the water, only to get swept back under in the next verse)

My soul becomes bare, stripped of life
I throw down my shield, and I welcome the knife
I can’t see who kills me, but I know it’s a friend
My battle is lost, in its cold calm end

Im sorry there isn’t a chorus, but that is kinda like a conclusion to me, and if my song isn’t done, I cant tie the song together yet.

[morrissey]

I say this alot, but you are working within a very restrictive rhyme pattern here. This can often ruin a song, but you do quite a good job of it here. Your rhymes don't come off as forced, but they add a steady flow to the song. I don't hate rhyming or anything, but I believe that it is terribly overused in music nowadays. But you steered clear of my biggest problems with rhyming (forcing rhymes, changing syntax etc.), so I can't yell at you for this ;).

Lyrically, I can see that you are developing, but you still have a ways to go. You use alot of cliched lines and imagery, and you want to stay away from that as much as possible.

You said that this was your first attempt at lyrics, and it is actually quite impressive for a first-timer. Keep up with this and you will have no problem in the future.

Overall 7/10, for a first timer --> 8/10

[hotcod32]

bit short, bit over done, nothing new but really good for a first try you show some promise more will come in time.... mostly what every ones said... :)

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

meh, i dont have many complaints besides your restrictive songwriting. but as first songs go, this wasnt horrible. id like to see you sort of develop your style more, cause you probably have some potential.

6/10