8 Straight Dazed.

[DougJI]

See no reason to be left out
why is my prescence in doubt
people cant seem to understand
what it means to lend a hand
nothing really shifts his mind
he is always way to kind
just a push over in the back of heads
but people will remember what he said

give to them what I gave to you
a 2nd chance, aim and shoot
No reason to pull it back
no reason to waste a stash
lets just go and finish it off
lets just go and catch a cough

catch the whiff of drifting scent
feel the pleasures of the hemp
seems always to draw you in
give up and just let it win
decided to change my path
go back to the me full of wrath
The world is my enemy and so are you
its my decision let me chose

some things seem to be tough
tough it seems to lots of things
seems like ive always had it rough
or has rough always had it me
cant figure out why im so dazed
marijuana for 8 straight days...

Last paragraph is the tentative Chorus...
EDIT: Crits please?

[Sloth]

See no reason to be left out
why is my prescence in doubt
people cant seem to understand
what it means to lend a hand
nothing really shifts his mind
he is always way to kind
just a push over in the back of heads
but people will remember what he said
I can't stand this kind of rhyme scheme.. It is always forced.. I feel constipated when I read this kind of stuff


give to them what I gave to you
a 2nd chance, aim and shoot
No reason to pull it back
no reason to waste a stash
lets just go and finish it off
lets just go and catch a cough ummmm, I like the last line..


catch the wift of drifting scent
feel the pleasures of the hemp
seems always to draw you in
give up and just let it win
decided to change my path
go back to the me full of wrath
The world is my enemy and so are you
its my decision let me chose
I can feel the struggle that you're trying to get across, but you could do a better job of writing this..


some things seem to be tough
tough it seems to lots of things
seems like ive always had it rough
or has rough always had it me
cant figure out why im so dazed
marijuana for 8 straight days... poor rhyming..

Overall, if you're new at writing, i guess I can let this go.. The rhyming was pretty bad, I didn't sense any flow.. I liked the title the most..

[Dingbats]

The rhyming looks poor when only reading it, but it's meant to go with music, and then it might work fine. Especially if the song is quite fast.

[DougJI]

Ah, I only wish this was one of earlier poems...

I never really revise my poems except for syllables and spelling... and yeah it was meant to go to music but I guess listening to too much Nirvana gets you into a 2 line, 2 line rhyming scheme... I always write my poems on the fly and never think twice about what I wrote, but as I'm in a band now I spose I'll have to.

Thanks for the advice. More poems to come...

[Permanent Solution]

See no reason to be left out
why is my prescence in doubt
people cant seem to understand
what it means to lend a hand
nothing really shifts his mind
he is always way to kind
just a push over in the back of heads
but people will remember what he said
---Well, aabb rhyme schemes are really hard to pull off well, and are pretty forumlaic, soz. Most the rhymes here are pretty predictable and uninteresting. Your flow suffers a bit because you have to force your lines to fit the rhymes. Overall it gives off the odor of a newer, less experienced writer.

give to them what I gave to you
a 2nd chance, aim and shoot
No reason to pull it back
no reason to waste a stash
lets just go and finish it off
lets just go and catch a cough
---Line 2 seems almost a complete contradiction of itself unless I missed the meaning, which is entirely plausible. Too much repetition imo in the last four lines. I hate reading one line, and then re-reading half of it. It is sorta my pet peeve. Off/cough was a neat rhyme imo though.

catch the wift of drifting scent
feel the pleasures of the hemp
seems always to draw you in
give up and just let it win
decided to change my path
go back to the me full of wrath
The world is my enemy and so are you
its my decision let me chose
---Do not make up words (wift) ever, there are more than enough words in existence to describe everything. Scent/hemp is a very sketchy rhyme, but the flow works well enough with it, so it works fairly well, all the others have the same issue as the first verse though.

some things seem to be tough
tough it seems to lots of things
seems like ive always had it rough
or has rough always had it me
cant figure out why im so dazed
marijuana for 8 straight days...
---These frequent marijuana add nothing more to the piece than make it seem like you are trying to be cool and fit in, i would kill em. Lines 3/4 are really really lame. THere are cool ways to do that, but that is not pulled off well at all.

P.S. My crits are always focusing on the negative so that you can fix it. If I don't mention somthing it is probably good.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

psssssssst... sloth, i think conor oberst pulls it off really well in some of his songs

/end pssssssst

[DougJI]

---Do not make up words (wift) ever, there are more than enough words in existence to describe everything. Scent/hemp is a very sketchy rhyme, but the flow works well enough with it, so it works fairly well, all the others have the same issue as the first verse though.

I meant WHIFF. Waft+ whiff= wift. Im stupid. It's fixed.

Anyways yeah looking back on it, it's not as good as I thought it came out. I don't like writing songs abab though. I'll try some and see if they sound any good.