umm some lyrics

[All IN]

yell it semms to hlep
scream the air from your lungs
bring the seasond to a halt
with the grim chance of your lifes death

Do you fell it
the box youve got yourself in
on the verge of our end

in the dirt a shadow crawls
in the briefest moment a single tear falls
scatering the pages of faces
moving memories to these unspeakable places
Will you continue to speak to me
leaving my lungs without life
in this disettled air
disturbing the paths that already led to no where.........

so yea this is some lyrics an just id like some input on it thanks

[All IN]

I wish some one would f-ing rate this

[Hadji]

You are yet to do an actual critique on someone else's song. Critique someone's song and I'll critique this one.

[Nightvision]

seconded.

[morrissey]

Threadstarter --> I suggest you read this
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=269665

Follow my instructions, and you will merit a crit from me. Otherwise, bye :wave:

[All IN]

okay ill crit someone even though
im sure idid the day before but whatever

[morrissey]

okay ill crit someone even though
im sure idid the day before but whatever

Yes... but you know, you can critique more than 1 song every few days, especially if you are going to be posting your own songs. What goes around comes around, brotha.

[the_uber_penguin]

yell it seems to help
scream the air from your lungs
bring the season to a halt
with the grim chance of your life's death

The opening is nice and punchy. With so many songs in here to critique, this is very important. It's also very important to catch a listeners attention.

I like the double meaning of the word "grim".

Do you feel it
the box you've got yourself in
on the verge of our end

The poetry is very nice here. It flows so well into itself. The style I think would benefit from more imagery. These are best concocted through colours and analogies/metaphors/similes.

in the dirt a shadow crawls
in the briefest moment a single tear falls
scattering the pages of faces
moving memories to these unspeakable places
Will you continue to speak to me
leaving my lungs without life
in this disettled air
disturbing the paths that already lead to nowhere.........

A very effective ending. This screams with emotion to me, ideas of betrayal. Was this what the song was about? The rhythm and flow is exemplory throughout this song. This part has the imagery that needs to be worked through the rest of the poem.

Very good job.

[All IN]

Thank you mister penguin, and morissey i have made more than one today iv however only made a comment sorry dont worry il contribute more for other people