yet just a shape of a song

[me and I]

no title. there's no music written for this (yet). and this probably ain't the last version.

***


Living this life
Still wondering about the other life
What could haved been...
But gone far away now, the beatiful life
But I'm okay
I'm living the better life
yeah I'm okay


Somewhere in the middle there's a riddle
In the dark, a quiet river, it's untouchables
Between the two edges there's a shallowed middle
know the higher you go, the more hurtful is your fall



then you brought me down
and i was not living
then you brought me down
and i was not believeing
you tried to bring me down
you tried to bring me down


Completely ignored by the wind of life
Forced to stop and return to the beginning line
refusing to give up, not believing in lies
found the way and now we're passing on the light


I haven't been around fot a long time but I'm glad to be back and I'm hoping and waiting to see your opinions! Thanks

[Monkey:Dust]

Living this life
Still wondering about the other life
What could haved been...
But gone far away now, the beatiful life
But I'm okay
I'm living the better life
yeah I'm okay
I know you repeated life deliberately but it just didn't work for me. Maybe if you didn't have a line inbetween it might work or not work I don't really know.


Somewhere in the middle there's a riddle
In the dark, a quiet river, it's untouchables
Between the two edges there's a shallowed middle
know the higher you go, the more hurtful is your fall
This bit's a bit confusing. It seems to change structure from the first but then does it again further into the song. "It's untouchables" that line didn't really make much sense to me when I read the verse.

then you brought me down
and i was not living
then you brought me down
and i was not believeing
you tried to bring me down
This bit's good I think but right where I'm writing now I think you should add another little line like the two separating the "You tried to bring me down"'s above. Or maybe re-word the next line to kind of give it a twist.
you tried to bring me down

Completely ignored by the wind of life
Forced to stop and return to the beginning line
refusing to give up, not believing in lies
found the way and now we're passing on the light
Like I said above the structure seems to change. It may just be me being blind and not being able to spot it but I just feel in each verse the structures differs.

Overall it's a good song just the structure's a bit odd (which might be me, if so could someone point me out how it goes) and there's a few things you could do to give it a bit more lyrical prowess. I think I'd give it 6.9/10 but with a few tweaks I think it could be a lot higher.

[me and I]

thanks man.

then you brought me down
and i was not living
then you brought me down
and i was not believeing
you tried to bring me down
you tried to bring me down

^ that's supposed to be chorus

there's two different verses and intro with guitar only, but if I'm gonna write music for this the the intro might tourn to be bride or something, I don't know. But thanks and I will work with this. I'm not happy with this... but thanks

[Jezen]

Not really too fresh. Im facing the same problem.

[TCsmartie]

know the higher you go, the more hurtful is your fall

Tooooo true.

I like it. Its kinda different, and the structure does change a lot. It just needs to be worked on a bit more. Maybe another verse to tie it all together??