Desolated Dreams: The future is a mist

[Desolated Dreams]

Verse 1

I feel like im a puppet and my strings are made of steel.
I dont think you have felt, the things that i can feel.
All day long i slip into dreams that have no fold.
I think that i have lost my spirit but my soul has gone unsold.

Pre Chorus

All i do is gaze at dreams, But i cannot reach them.
All i see is Misty scenes, and i cannot escape them.

Chorus

Can we change, how it ends? Or are we just a Train?
On the tracks, of a life that drives me insane?
Were we made, as a plan? But how can that be?
When we die, Is that it? Or are we broken free?

Verse 2

Day in day out my life just has a twist.
Dont know where it come from. But its just out of the mist.
I cannot see in front of me i only see my past.
Its strange when you think of it but life is so vast.

Pre Chorus

All i fear is what ive done, But i cannot change it.
I can see just what i want, But i cant embrace it

Chorus

Can we change, how it ends? Or are we just a Train?
On the tracks, of a life that drives me insane?
Were we made, as a plan? But how can that be?
When we die, Is that it? Or are we broken free?
:wave:

[morrissey]

Dude, ONE SONG A DAY, its the rules. Your work is crowding up the front page, and as the rules state, you will get less valuable feedback overall, because no one wants to critique 3 or 4 songs by the same author, in one day, they get frustrated.

Allow others a chance to be on the front page, please.

[Monkey:Dust]

Ok don't have much time so I'll get to the point.
I like the song, I've read your other ones and found that they were simular but this ones totally different.
The first verse is great, it makes me want to read on and see what the rest of the song is like. The rhyming in the verse (and throughout the song) is simple but effective.
I like the first pre-chorus. I like the little repeatitiveness 'All I' and 'I cannot'.
For some reason the chorus doesn't flow for me that well but I did have to read it fast.
Overall this is a good song. 9/10, some bits aren't brilliant but they are good.
Sorry if I missed parts out but I'm really typing as fast as I can and I've got to go now must stop typing bye.

[Desolated Dreams]

Dude, ONE SONG A DAY, its the rules. Your work is crowding up the front page, and as the rules state, you will get less valuable feedback overall, because no one wants to critique 3 or 4 songs by the same author, in one day, they get frustrated.

Allow others a chance to be on the front page, please.

yo...soz man. didnt realise i was crammin up the front page. first time iv used this forum site. yea. i get the point it is a bit tight on the others.

[Desolated Dreams]

Ok don't have much time so I'll get to the point.
I like the song, I've read your other ones and found that they were simular but this ones totally different.
The first verse is great, it makes me want to read on and see what the rest of the song is like. The rhyming in the verse (and throughout the song) is simple but effective.
I like the first pre-chorus. I like the little repeatitiveness 'All I' and 'I cannot'.
For some reason the chorus doesn't flow for me that well but I did have to read it fast.
Overall this is a good song. 9/10, some bits aren't brilliant but they are good.
Sorry if I missed parts out but I'm really typing as fast as I can and I've got to go now must stop typing bye.

yea cheers...thanx alot.thats a high rating 9/10 cheers. i havent put the newer version of that song online yet but il get it up soon. i wrote it about 2 years ago. i was concerned about the lyrics being a lil dull but if they r in anyway im pretty sure the music makes up 4 it. thanx alot for rating it. great

[mshort813]

SLUT, one song a day.

Read the rules.

[Desolated Dreams]

SLUT, one song a day.

Read the rules.
it was one song a day. one yesterday...one 2day....my computer was jus reeealy slow at uploading one of them.

[mshort813]

it was one song a day. one yesterday...one 2day....my computer was jus reeealy slow at uploading one of them.

...youve had four today.

[Desolated Dreams]

...youve had four today.
well...actually one was about 1/16th of a song so technically not

[mshort813]

well...actually one was about 1/16th of a song so technically not

oh, okay sorry, so youve only had 3 and 1/16th songs today.

how the hell does you mind work? you are allowed to start one thread per day in S&L.

[Desolated Dreams]

right...i duno....how does urs work? bet mine works beta.....nah thats racist...howz about we jus say i win and call it quits?

[mshort813]

right...i duno....how does urs work? bet mine works beta.....nah thats racist...howz about we jus say i win and call it quits?

Oh, **** you suck.

[morrissey]

Desolated: 1 THREAD per day!

[morrissey]

Oh, **** you suck.

I <3 you :naughty:

[Desolated Dreams]

wats that spose to b ur nob? rgot the size right. and mrs?, wat do i suck ey? certainly isant loolypops....bad 4 ur teeth.

[morrissey]

Write semi-legibly, and I may be able to understand what you are saying.

[Desolated Dreams]

or....u cud...not write at all and we'd both be happy...well...i wud

[morrissey]

Well, it is just that you are trying to insult either me or mshort... but I can't make out what you are typing, so it has no effect. If you would like to insult someone, make it so they can understand the insult... otherwise it doesn't work, right?

[blueeyedirishguitarguy]

[QUOTE=Desolated Dreams]Verse 1


Ok I'm gonna crit this cuz I'm sure you've gotten the point that you only post one song per day. Here's my 2 cents....

I feel like im a puppet and my strings are made of steel.
I dont think you have felt, the things that i can feel.
All day long i slip into dreams that have no fold.
I think that i have lost my spirit but my soul has gone unsold.

This is a pretty good opening. I really like your 4th line tho. The rhyming throughout this seems really forced tho...I'm just going to say that once but I'm implying it to all of your song. I know that a rhyme scheme is important to a song....but it doesn't have to be so forced. I have written one song that every other line has rhymed but it was on purpose and the structure worked well. Maybe I'd just have to hear the song before I could say nething about the rhyming....no big complaints tho...4/5

Pre Chorus

All i do is gaze at dreams, But i cannot reach them.
All i see is Misty scenes, and i cannot escape them.

Short but sweet...always good. I really don't like that you rhymed them with them, but I guess it works ok :rolleyes: I like the line about gazing at dreams...good wording....4/5

Chorus

Can we change, how it ends? Or are we just a Train?
On the tracks, of a life that drives me insane?
Were we made, as a plan? But how can that be?
When we die, Is that it? Or are we broken free?

Very nice. I like when a writer can be clever. This is very clever. Not too deep but just enough to where you get your message across. I would definitly keep the chorus the same as it is.....5/5

Verse 2

Day in day out my life just has a twist.
Dont know where it come from. But its just out of the mist.
I cannot see in front of me i only see my past.
Its strange when you think of it but life is so vast.

I don't know if it's a typo but I would change come to comes and I would put the word "I" infront of don't...that lines sounds too much like a rap. The last line seems very forced...I would consider rewording it...you can do better then that...the other lines are good, I would just change the 4th line around tho...3/5


Well overall this song is pretty good. Like I said...the rhyming seems extremely forced. You could play with the wording or add some lines to change that around....just a thought...overall.....7/10

[Desolated Dreams]

well...u mus be a right muppet musn't u? wat if im not trying to insult u but u also dont take it as an insult so therefor u say that it hasnt worked but in acyual fact it has cuz i hadnt actually set out to insult u....question is....am i insultin u now?

[morrissey]

You make my head ache. How old are you?

EDIT: Nevermind, I looked at your profile.

Listen, you write decent songs, this has nothing to do with your songwriting abilities. You posted numerous songs on the same day, but you apologized for that, and I can't hold it against you. Though your grammar and typing skills are atrocious, I can let this go as well, on account of you not wanting to waste precious time typing correctly.

So insults are not needed, lets just let this go. If I see you posting 1 song per day, critiquing other songs regularly, and contributing to this community in a postive way, I will have absolutely no problem with you. Hopefully you can feel the same :thumb:

[Desolated Dreams]

[QUOTE=Desolated Dreams]Verse 1


Ok I'm gonna crit this cuz I'm sure you've gotten the point that you only post one song per day. Here's my 2 cents....

I feel like im a puppet and my strings are made of steel.
I dont think you have felt, the things that i can feel.
All day long i slip into dreams that have no fold.
I think that i have lost my spirit but my soul has gone unsold.

This is a pretty good opening. I really like your 4th line tho. The rhyming throughout this seems really forced tho...I'm just going to say that once but I'm implying it to all of your song. I know that a rhyme scheme is important to a song....but it doesn't have to be so forced. I have written one song that every other line has rhymed but it was on purpose and the structure worked well. Maybe I'd just have to hear the song before I could say nething about the rhyming....no big complaints tho...4/5

Pre Chorus

All i do is gaze at dreams, But i cannot reach them.
All i see is Misty scenes, and i cannot escape them.

Short but sweet...always good. I really don't like that you rhymed them with them, but I guess it works ok :rolleyes: I like the line about gazing at dreams...good wording....4/5

Chorus

Can we change, how it ends? Or are we just a Train?
On the tracks, of a life that drives me insane?
Were we made, as a plan? But how can that be?
When we die, Is that it? Or are we broken free?

Very nice. I like when a writer can be clever. This is very clever. Not too deep but just enough to where you get your message across. I would definitly keep the chorus the same as it is.....5/5

Verse 2

Day in day out my life just has a twist.
Dont know where it come from. But its just out of the mist.
I cannot see in front of me i only see my past.
Its strange when you think of it but life is so vast.

I don't know if it's a typo but I would change come to comes and I would put the word "I" infront of don't...that lines sounds too much like a rap. The last line seems very forced...I would consider rewording it...you can do better then that...the other lines are good, I would just change the 4th line around tho...3/5


Well overall this song is pretty good. Like I said...the rhyming seems extremely forced. You could play with the wording or add some lines to change that around....just a thought...overall.....7/10

yes thanx alot. great help. iv only jus started usin this site so not up 2 speed yet. the vese u gav 3/5 has actually bin replaced its jus i havent teyped it all up yet. thanx for callin my writin cleaver....i set out to achieve that alot...thanx

[Desolated Dreams]

You make my head ache. How old are you?
nah/....u jus bin on the computer too long

[morrissey]

Read my previous post, I edited it.

[blueeyedirishguitarguy]

lol....morrissey...i can't believe you actually broke 2000 posts last night.....you beast :naughty:

[Desolated Dreams]

big whoop

[Nightvision]

grow up and stop bumping - you're not going to win any friends, you know.

[morrissey]

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=269504

READ THIS, and you'll understand why, blueeyed... start on page 2 I think :naughty:

[morrissey]

grow up and stop bumping - you're not going to win any friends, you know.

Thank you Jazza. I already called a truce with him, but he keeps it going for some reason :rolleyes:

[Desolated Dreams]

im not insultin u but take it how u want...and my typin is naff cuz im writin shorthand. im not gona rite....i cannot wait until sunday because it is my best friend *** Birthday. would you like to come? cum on....its the internet?

[Desolated Dreams]

hey iv bin doin work for the last 10 mins or so. thats not keepin it goin. yea im doin some sweaty crap on deltaic despostioning of delta clays. fun!...

[Desolated Dreams]

hey? u rele think im a good writer at lyrics? or even beta...'lyrics composer'?

[morrissey]

Who are you talking to?

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

ill crit your song...

personally, i think it was dreadful. you seem to go around in circles, never actually stopping to make a point. the fact that you would insult 2 very good critiquers here for citing you on the rules only lowers my opinion of you. stop trying to rhyme every single line, and maybe jsut leave all together

3/10

[mshort813]

wats that spose to b ur nob? rgot the size right. and mrs?, wat do i suck ey? certainly isant loolypops....bad 4 ur teeth.

d00d u fukin suk, shut teh he11 ^ d00d.

[Desolated Dreams]

o yes. goin around in circles...maybe u jus cant understand it. bit too complex. i recommend Blink 182 for u.

[Desolated Dreams]

if i suck so much then y r u obsessed wiv postin comments to me even after i went to bed. looks like im not the only one who suks does it?

[SubtleDagger]

I'm thinking you need a ban. Maybe that will teach you a lesson.