The Ten Min Poem

[Monkey:Dust]

Ok firstly, this poem took ten minutes so accept that it isn't going to be a great piece of work.
Secondly, this is mainly to try out the 'Different Angle' that Morrissey has been talking about (other people may have said this but Morrissey was the only one I can remember).


Ten Minute Poem

Her hair is the only thing concealing
The lies that place their roots upon her gentle lips
Thinking she’s in the clear she slips up and bears them
They burst into existence.

The ones she saves toil in her mouth
She dare not speak in case they escape
To cause havoc in the world
Hurting those around her

Quickly she forms stories replacing those lies that once hovered on her lips
She tells them one by one taking care not to cause more pain
She knows what he’s thinking but she pretends she doesn’t
Just to save her pride

Her nervousness shows
She turns to the floor
As if looking for something to say written on the pavement
But fails and turns to the wall behind him

She needs to escape
His eyes are digging trenches in her mind
As if trying to find the real truth
But finding more stories

At last she turns
Her legs carry her away
She ignores his calls acting as if he wasn’t there
She walks out into the world that she has placed grief upon.


Crit if you want, good or bad accepted (like I have a choice :rolleyes: ).

[Burningwater]

I'm not sure whether I liked this or didn't, so I'll be back later to read it over.

[morrissey]

Let me just start by asking how long you have been writing for? Because though you only have 4 posts.. this is quite a good song. So I am going to assume that you have been writing for at least a couple months... otherwise, this is excellent.

Her hair is the only thing concealing
The lies that place their roots upon her gentle lips
Thinking she’s in the clear she slips up and bears them
They burst into existence.
Holy crap. This is among the best opening stanzas I have ever read. I am quite shocked here, monkey dust. But I have to say that "burst"... probably not the best word to use there. Try changing that up, and you have a brilliant opening verse.

The ones she saves toil in her mouth
She dare not speak in case they escape
To cause havoc in the world
Hurting those around her
Goodness abound. I like how you are writing about the lies. This is an interesting take, and I am glad you read my critiques of other songs and took notice of it ;). Just one comment: the last line, it doesn't feel very poetic. I would suggest a rephrasing.
Hurting those that surround her... even that sounds better, and it is just changing a word. But work on it, see what fits. Other than that, you are following suit with another great verse.

Quickly she forms stories replacing those lies that once hovered on her lips
She tells them one by one taking care not to cause more pain
She knows what he’s thinking but she pretends she doesn’t
Just to save her pride
I'm not really feeling the flow here.... the fourth line is really short too. A rhyme might help this out... but that doesn't mean you have to. It is just a flow issue. Lyrically, not too shabs.

Her nervousness shows
She turns to the floor
As if looking for something to say written on the pavement
But fails and turns to the wall behind him
Yep, this is good. Nothing to add.

She needs to escape
His eyes are digging trenches in her mind
As if trying to find the real truth
But finding more stories
Good. I know you said you wrote this in 10 minutes, so I understand. But it is getting very... direct. More like you are talking or writing a story. I don't know if you know what I mean, but I am trying to say that perhaps you should "thesaurus-it-up" and try to find some more poetic words to help the song along.

At last she turns
Her legs carry her away
She ignores his calls acting as if he wasn’t there
She walks out into the world that she has placed grief upon.
This is good, but I have the same comments as above with the directness of the song.

Overall this is a great start, especially if you wrote it in 10-minutes. Try to avoid being overly direct, because it can be boring, or it can come off like you don't know how to write. But you have some skill here, and I like what you've done.

Overall 7.5/10

[Hammer_of_the_Gods]

I think that the frisr 2 verses flow quite nicely but then you start getting a little choppy. The other verses just don't seem to flow like the first 2. Word choice in some of the lines might work as they seem to get a little boreing or lacking in depth.

In all it's great for 10 minutes worth. 7/10

[Monkey:Dust]

Cheers.
This is actually the first thing I've written and finished. I've started other things but then lost interest cause it took too long.
I didn't like the third verse either so I'll probably change most of that.
Thanks for the crits I'll take your advise and work on the last few verses.

[T'an-mo]

Yo

Hey I liked it you used some cool words and in the 1st verse it just the flow was so accurate. Then after the first 2 verses it was still good but it lost my proudness I suggest going on dictionary.com to increase your vocab so you can use more words to keep the flow going or rhyme.

Well this is my first crit for a poem sos if it blowed.

If you get the chance could you crit my 'save the panda' and 'mc§hit'

thank you

[PTFROCKS]

monkey dust, this is excellent. i like the wording you used, and the feel and flow were great...for the first two verses, then it seemed to jump around a bit. lyrically i have no nits, but the structure could be touched up a bit.
great job. 7/10