Please rate these lyics for me.

[Desolated Dreams]

So i stand on the cliffs at dawn as the sun crawls in the sky.
A calm wind wind sweeps my thoughts and fears from inside of my mind.
Silhouettes of birds tattoed apon the skies face.
Once again i'm here alone, Contemplating my mistakes.

Now the clouds begin to wrap around me and the rain falls like my tears.
From my eyes i bleed the pain thats been locked inside for years.
The green grass offers friendship and the light offers belief.
Once again i'm here alone, Trying to find me.

So i run and i run, and i come, and i come and i try to salvage
some hope here.
Its a place where i hide, I contemplate my life,and i try to
relax all my fears.

Paradise of life.
Paradise of life.
Paradise of life.
Paradise of life.

Now a new day brings its sunrise and offers all a chance.
Finger of fortune rides the sky but doesn't give me a glance.
I no i will be back again as i walk towards the ground.
Once again i'm here alone, hypnotised by the sound.

So i run and i run, and i come, and i come and i try to salvage
some hope here.
Its a place where i hide, I contemplate my life,and i try to
relax all my fears.

Paradise of life.
Paradise of life.
Paradise of life.
Paradise of life.

Interlude

Solo 1+2

Harmony

Paradise of life.
Paradise of life.
Paradise of life.
Paradise of life.

So i'l come and i'l come, and i'l come and i'l come, and i'l come and i'l come
,until i die.
So i'l come and i'l come, and i'l come and i'l come, and i'l come and i'l come
,until i die.

I've searched the world for a home, and came here to find it.
I've searched the world for a home, and returned here to find it.
THANXxX

[The Næsebor]

I like your choice of words, and I can see you made an effort to keep the verse flow near-perfect. One thing I would change, however, is:
The green grass offers friendship and the light offers belief.
Once again i'm here alone, Trying to find me.

The first line is okay, but "trying to find me" is a bit short on syllables, and not as dramatic or emotional as it could be. Perhaps something like "struggling to find the one true me" or "watching my true spirit break free" would work better, and not disrupt the flow.

I assume the "So I run and I run..." sections are a prechorus, and the repetition and minimal word use helps build up to a good chorus. The repeated lines of "Paradise of life" sound good, and just singing them emotionally can pack as much of a punch as if the words were as descriptive as the verses.

I would love to here this song put to music, and I give it an 8/10 :thumb:

[Monkey:Dust]

The song's good except that one line 'Trying to find me' which you could add more emotion to. Now here's the part of the post that you should actually read because other then this the post would be pointless and echoing the persons post above. Personally I wasn't too keen on the 'Paradise of life' repetition but echoing the person above it'll probably sound better with music (this bit sounded important but it really wasn't). It'd be good to hear it with some music.
(Echo, echo, echo, echo) Sorry ...

[Desolated Dreams]

I like your choice of words, and I can see you made an effort to keep the verse flow near-perfect. One thing I would change, however, is:

The first line is okay, but "trying to find me" is a bit short on syllables, and not as dramatic or emotional as it could be. Perhaps something like "struggling to find the one true me" or "watching my true spirit break free" would work better, and not disrupt the flow.

I assume the "So I run and I run..." sections are a prechorus, and the repetition and minimal word use helps build up to a good chorus. The repeated lines of "Paradise of life" sound good, and just singing them emotionally can pack as much of a punch as if the words were as descriptive as the verses.

I would love to here this song put to music, and I give it an 8/10 :thumb:

thanx very much that helped alot. yes i did put alot of time to it. ur right about the last line in that verse. yes the 'so...i run' is the pre chorus. the chorus is sang dramaticly. its a very tuneful piece of music as there is tricky little bits to play on the guitar in the pre chous and chorus itself but it does sound rather gud. some songs of mine i fear that they fall short of my expectations but i think this is quite a nice song to play as well as to hear....thanx loads 4 the rating

[Hadji]

So i stand on the cliffs at dawn as the sun crawls in the sky.
A calm wind wind sweeps my thoughts and fears from inside of my mind.
Silhouettes of birds tattoed apon the skies face.
Once again i'm here alone, Contemplating my mistakes.

Very nice verse. The third line reminds me of a line in the 2nd verse of 'Good Riddance' by Green Day. That could just be because I was listening to it while reading this though. Very good word choice and flow.

Now the clouds begin to wrap around me and the rain falls like my tears.
From my eyes i bleed the pain thats been locked inside for years.
The green grass offers friendship and the light offers belief.
Once again i'm here alone, Trying to find me.

Another very solid verse. Unlike the first person to review this, I really like those last two lines. I guess it's all in how you read it, but I thought it had perfect flow.

So i run and i run, and i come, and i come and i try to salvage
some hope here.
Its a place where i hide, I contemplate my life,and i try to
relax all my fears.

This is probably the part of the song I like the least. It isn't bad, but it reminds me of that Flock of Seagulls song (And I ruuuun, I run so far awayyyy). I might just not be able to get the flow you were going for though. I'm sure it would sound good in the actual song.

Paradise of life.
Paradise of life.
Paradise of life.
Paradise of life.

Very nice chorus. It's simple but contains enough to get the point across. That's how I like my songs.

Now a new day brings its sunrise and offers all a chance.
Finger of fortune rides the sky but doesn't give me a glance.
I no i will be back again as i walk towards the ground.
Once again i'm here alone, hypnotised by the sound.

This verse isn't quite as strong as the first two, but it is still good. I'm not sure what you mean by 'I walk towards the ground' in the third line. It seems out of place to me. The first two lines are really good, but the last two bring the verse down.

I've searched the world for a home, and came here to find it.
I've searched the world for a home, and returned here to find it.

I like this part at the end. It would be really nice fading out in a song. Good job on it.


Overall, I would give this an 8/10. Very good song overall, but it has a few kinks to work out. Good job.

By the way, if you would rate my song, I would appriciate it.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=269476

[mshort813]

ONe sone per day, slut.

[morrissey]

ONe sone per day, slut.


You are tempting me to put "mshort is my hero" too, bastard.

Stop being so freaking funny :lol:

[Desolated Dreams]

didnt ur mother never tell u that swearin is horrible? u dont see me ****ing swearing...u jus see wat ive typed it isant actually u seeing me swearin cuz after all it might be someone else swearing. uh huh. bybes

[Desolated Dreams]

didnt ur mother never tell u that swearin is horrible? u dont see me ****ing swearing...u jus see wat ive typed it isant actually u seeing me swearin cuz after all it might be someone else swearing. uh huh. bybes