Razor's Edge C/C

[Hammer_of_the_Gods]

I do have to say that this is my first song that I have written all the lyrics to. Most of my songs are a group effort by the band instead. I know that this type of song is done quite often but all well. One thing about this song is that I wrote if over a few days, only writing a line or two at a time so it is has a random thought process while sticking somewhat to the theme, of which I know little about (possibly about asking a girl out and getting rejected, not really sure).

Razor's Edge

Can't see were I'm going,
Don't know what I'm doing,
Emotions bottled up inside,
In your reasurence I confide.

Chorus
Walking on a razor's edge,
Even though I took the pledge,
Running because I'm so confused,
As I feel like I'm being used,
Twisted up in your lies,
Bringing me to my demise.

Don't know what's gotten into me,
Still not sure if you can see,
What I believe is the demon's seed,
Cutting myself until I bleed.

Chorus

The world has come crashing down,
It's almost like I have drown,
Will the pain ever end,
The wounds will not mend.

Chorus

Running down a razor's edge.

[ClayTheJ]

Not bad, I like the part that all rhymes with me, that part is pretty good, the last verse needs work, chorus is ok...6/10

[Hammer_of_the_Gods]

Other's? Please?

"Hello. Is there anybody out there?"

[morrissey]

I'll do this later.

[Monkey:Dust]

Can't see were I'm going,
Don't know what I'm doing,
I'm not too sure about the start. It's not bad but I still think if you could do a better rhyme it would work better. 'Going' and 'Doing' are a bit of a boring and cliche rhyme.

Emotions bottled up inside,
In your reasurence I confide.
I like this bit. The rhyme's alot better then the first.

Chorus
Walking on a razor's edge,
Even though I took the pledge,
Running because I'm so confused,
As I feel like I'm being used,
I kind of get the feeling these were slightly forced.

Twisted up in your lies,
Bringing me to my demise.
I like this one a lot better.

Don't know what's gotten into me,
Still not sure if you can see,
Also a bit cliche.

What I believe is the demon's seed,
Cutting myself until I bleed.[/I}
A bit cliche but you could get away with it.

[I]Chorus

The world has come crashing down,
It's almost like I have drown,
That doesn't really work. It's have to be 'drowned' to make sense, I think you should re-word it.

Will the pain ever end,
The wounds will not mend.
Not too bad but again the rhymes a bit simple and cliche.

Chorus

Running down a razor's edge.
I like this ending, repeating the first line of the chorus effectively.

Overall it seems to have a good story behind it. Mainly the rhymes are the bits that need to be changed, a lot of them are cliche and too simple. The structures fine. The story behind it is overused but 'Running down a razor's edge' is a different angle on it. I'd give it ... 6/10. It's got some good bits in it but the simple, cliche rhyming kind of brings it down. Just tweak a few bits and it'll be a good song. Keep writing! (Sorry if I came across harsh).

[mshort813]

....ughh, ughh, mehh, bahh.... :(

[morrissey]

....ughh, ughh, mehh, bahh.... :(


I;m trying to think what you remind me of.... CHEWBACA? I don't know.

but it was funny.

[mshort813]

wha...who dat?

[clichealais]

Razor's Edge

Can't see were I'm going,
Don't know what I'm doing,
Emotions bottled up inside,
In your reasurence I confide.

First two lines here seem like they attempt to rhyme.. but the rhyme scheme here is abcc, you know going's o makes a different sound than doing's o .. :naughty: Lines three and four, I can't complain much for the rhyme or syllable count, it's close enough. Though the way you phrase yourself in rhyme for, makes it seem as though this is forced, when you switch around a sentences order as such... Nothing in this stanza is all that appealing to me, rather bland.

Chorus

Walking on a razor's edge,
Even though I took the pledge,
Running because I'm so confused,
As I feel like I'm being used,
Twisted up in your lies,
Bringing me to my demise.

Okay, walking on a razor's edge, perhaps you could elaborate on this a bit.. the second line doesn't seem to make much sense with the first. They don't work together.. Line 2, what is this pledge you took? What did you say in this pledge? Line 3- Okay now you're running.. what has changed the pace to make you run instead of walk? Talk of confusion in such a bland manner is rather overdone.. Line 4-Ugh consistantly talk of the same subject, ELABORATE,and kill those cliches, Line 5-Okay, this is sort of goes with your previous line's subject, sort of "evolves", though the line is so cliche... Line 6- Ugh bringing me to my demise, okay.. I am sick of hearing about demise in songs. Again this stanza was rather bland..

Don't know what's gotten into me,
Still not sure if you can see,
What I believe is the demon's seed,
Cutting myself until I bleed.

First line-I don't know what has gotten into you? Line-2 I don't think that really fits there, it seems as if you should more directly follow by evolving upon the first line, elaborating on what exactly it is that has gotten into you, you don't know why you are doing these things, explain these things. Line 3-Ugh, demons seed... Line 4-Please, cutting myself until I bleed? Again this was so overdone.


The world has come crashing down,
It's almost like I have drown,
Will the pain ever end,
The wounds will not mend.

Line 1-The world has come crashing down, huh? Interesting. Line 2- It's almost like you've drowned, not to be a grammar whore.. I'd say elaborate on the first line, rather than rephrase it with a "metaphor".. Line 3-The pain might end, and someone could probably help if you told them how and why it hurt. Line 4-The wounds will not mend.. I can't tell you how many times I've heard that, but I'm sure you are aware

Overall to be completely honest, I did not like this piece it all. It's made up of cliches and lacks consistancy..

Sorry to be harsh, keep at it :thumb:

[morrissey]

wha...who dat?

I don't know what I am talking about. :(

[clichealais]

wha...who dat?

Twas a joke.. you made noises, a pathetic reply. So he made the joke.. that you reminded him of the wookie, from Star Wars, Chewbaca..

[morrissey]

Twas a joke.. you made noises, a pathetic reply. So he made the joke.. that you reminded him of the wookie, from Star Wars, Chewbaca..


Thank you for explaining that. It is 100% correct.

[Desolated Dreams]

right then...i do like it....i think there cud be work dun to improve it but it is short, sharp and gets to the point which i like. wen i read this i can actually feel tunes flowing through me so i think its great. i wud say 8/10 but with a bit of work i think it cud be absolutly incredible. very good start though.

[BlastFunk03]

it makes no sence and has no common theme, it it just words to be sung that sound relatively good

5/10

[mshort813]

Twas a joke.. you made noises, a pathetic reply. So he made the joke.. that you reminded him of the wookie, from Star Wars, Chewbaca..

I know it was a joke, slut. i just didnt know who the hell this "chewbaca" was. Thank you.

[morrissey]

I know it was a joke, slut. i just didnt know who the hell this "chewbaca" was. Thank you.

http://swg.stratics.com/content/lore/personas/images/chewbacca.gif

http://hoelle.spit.at/hpromis/4/1071175812.22944.jpg


:lol: