so perfectly...

[totalpunker]

So Perfectly…
In this town you’ve come to call your own
A perfect playground for just you and me
And the way your smile and my loss of sleep
Fit together so perfectly…

I think tonight I’ll brand your name across the back of my hand
So I won’t ever forget a fall where you had
My heart skipping beats, so inconsistently
Like throwing pebbles through shallow water at the beach

I’ll trace a line from your shoulder to your wrist
As my finger glides down your skin…
You’ll catch me smiling as you start to blush
I’ll go home tonight to paint my room that color

I think tonight I’ll brand your name across the back of my hand
So I won’t ever forget a fall where you had
My heart skipping beats, so inconsistently
Like throwing pebbles through shallow water at the beach

A soft sincerity through your voice
This is where my knees get week
“Brace yourself, stay poised”
You’re almost dreaming

(please criticize the hell out of it)

[JillyBo]

This isn't gonna be an indepth crit but I thought it was alright.

I like how you're not going for an uber amount of metaphors and you're just saying what you feel and not trying to sound smart

I'd say 6+/10

[PTFROCKS]

i like that word....uber :D

[Nightvision]

So Perfectly…
In this town you’ve come to call your own
A perfect playground for just you and me
And the way your smile and my loss of sleep
Fit together so perfectly…

I didn't think a whole lot of this first verse as such - it wasn't a bad verse, but it wasn't what I'd call brilliant - really, you want the first few lines of your song to be the hardest hitting - these were about as hard hitting as a dry sponge. BUT - they weren't bad. These were good lyrics, just nothing special.

I think tonight I’ll brand your name across the back of my hand
So I won’t ever forget a fall where you had
My heart skipping beats, so inconsistently
Like throwing pebbles through shallow water at the beach

This is brilliant, however. You have some really strong imagery, but whatsmore, you don't feel the need to use big words to get it across - this is a really breathtaking stanza, simply because it's written with feeling and emotion - I can really picture the scenes you're describing. Good, good work.

I’ll trace a line from your shoulder to your wrist
As my finger glides down your skin…
You’ll catch me smiling as you start to blush
I’ll go home tonight to paint my room that color

Again, this is really, really strong stuff. I didn't care much for the first two lines, but the last two were something really special.

A soft sincerity through your voice
This is where my knees get week
“Brace yourself, stay poised”
You’re almost dreaming

I liked this - not as much as the previous two stanzas, but it does a good job of continuing the flow, which is important. Not amazing, but good.

Overall:
You have a huge amount of potential - already this is one of the best songs of the month - so a big well done for that. Secondly, it's not a depressing song - you have no idea how happy that makes me. Even if this was crap (which it certainly isn't) I'd probably love it, but as it's good, I'm positively loopy. Thank you!

Where you gained points:
The chorus is stunning - do not change a word of that - please!
Your second verse is also very strong - keep it.
Also, great imagery that you don't need a thesaurus to understand - I really enjoyed critting this, as I could really see what you were saying.

Where you lost points:
The first verse is really standing out against the beautiful second verse and chorus - it's not especially poor, but it's not up to the same level as the rest.
It's a tad short - not a huge problem, but might struggle when you put it to music.

Score:
9/10 - You are a very good writer - please stick around. More of these please!

[morrissey]

There is actually an interesting story to this critique. I looked at the title, and though.. "nah". It looked like crap. And I didn't give it a second thought. But then DJ Jazzy Jeff (you might know him as Jason101) posted this on his list for best song of the month... SO I had to come check it out. So thank you Jazza for leading me to this song :).

So Perfectly…
This may work well in song form, but here it looks, sort of dull. What is strange is that it works at the end of this verse, but just not in this particular place. But I am willing to let that go, but be aware that the first line really needs to draw the reader in... this line didn't really do that for me.

In this town you’ve come to call your own
A perfect playground for just you and me
Cheesy.. BUT I LIKE IT. A Happy song for once? We shall see.

And the way your smile and my loss of sleep
Fit together so perfectly…
Ok, this is where I see what Jason was talking about. Brilliance abound. Absolutely. You've been registered since April, you don't have many posts... but with lines like these, you must have been writing for at least a couple months. If not... well this is amazing anyways.

I think tonight I’ll brand your name across the back of my hand
This is creepy and beautiful and devoted and desperate, all in the same line. It is absolutely astounding. I have to add this quote, because that is what I do:
[moz time] Morrissey (lead singer of the Smiths) had a brilliant line in the song "Rusholme Ruffians", which I think really ties into this song.

Scratch my name on your arm with a fountain pen
This means you really love me

The first time I heard that line, I was like "wow". It was perfect. And.. I think you may have even managed to surpass Moz on that line. Trust me, this is a HUGE compliment, because in my mind, no one writes better lyrics that Morrissey. So for me to say that about your line... its big, trust me.

So I won’t ever forget a fall where you had
My heart skipping beats, so inconsistently
Like throwing pebbles through shallow water at the beach
Holy crap, where did you come from? This is beyond brilliant. I haven't felt this strongly about a song since "The Globe" by APS, which was brilliant as well. But this is... a different kind of brilliant. It is so simple and so.. lovely. And I love it. I don't know what else to say.

I’ll trace a line from your shoulder to your wrist
As my finger glides down your skin…
You’ll catch me smiling as you start to blush
I’ll go home tonight to paint my room that color
This is going to sound really pathetic, but after I read this verse... I cracked a smile, but I have tears in my eyes. I don't even know what to say... this is just... amazing. You have a tremendous amount of talent, and I can't believe I skipped over this song because the title sounded boring.

A soft sincerity through your voice
This is where my knees get week
“Brace yourself, stay poised”
You’re almost dreaming
Week = weak. Other than that... wow.

This was a stunning piece. It is so refreshing to see a happy song around here. But not only is it happy, it is absolutely brilliant. Perfect. I ... this is tremendous. I agree with Jason... stick around, more songs! You are amazingly talented, and I don't know how old you are, but if you can improve on this, you will go far.

9.3/10... that is not the highest rating I have ever given (APS gets that honour), but this is fantastically brilliant, and merits every point of that 9.3. Congratulations.

[morrissey]

I am going to bump this for you, because it deserves WAY more crits than this!

[totalpunker]

thanks alot for the awesome critics guys... This was the first poem that i wrote that i was semi-proud of but i was worried that was just me. Thanks alot. You guys gave some really helpful pioint and have inspired me to keep writing.

[emoshalldie]

i didnt get anything from this song exept that your with a girl and u brand her name in the back of ur head for some reason...that just sounds dumb...and painful. this would be a song i would expect from a band like yellowcard or taking back sunday or brand new...u know...bad bands...but if thats what ur going for then good job....i give it a 3/10 crit mine if u can the psychobilly song

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

^---user name = instant hate

[morrissey]

i didnt get anything from this song exept that your with a girl and u brand her name in the back of ur head for some reason...that just sounds dumb...and painful. this would be a song i would expect from a band like yellowcard or taking back sunday or brand new...u know...bad bands...but if thats what ur going for then good job....i give it a 3/10 crit mine if u can the psychobilly song

Well, its good to know that not everyone likes good lyrics. Thanks to wonderful people like you, we can continue to see brilliant lyrics along the lines of 'can u smell it', because people don't seem to think quality matters.

[asheroth]

i didnt get anything from this song exept that your with a girl and u brand her name in the back of ur head for some reason...that just sounds dumb...and painful. this would be a song i would expect from a band like yellowcard or taking back sunday or brand new...u know...bad bands...but if thats what ur going for then good job....i give it a 3/10 crit mine if u can the psychobilly song


You know what gets me here? You said absolutely nothing constructive here, just randomly forced your personal opinions about music on people, and then asked for these people to go and crit your song. Umm, no?

[morrissey]

^-------- rep ++ for truth :thumb:

[buzzrat]

i like the line

.....Like throwing pebbles through shallow water at the beach......

its because i live at the beach and thinks not to bad ,, it needs to be bit longer 6/10