Don't know what I did

[ClayTheJ]

Heres my somewhat deep song about this fag that hates me now, any crits would be greatly accepted


Don't know what I did


It wasn't me who did those horrible things to you
It wasn't me who said those things and stabbed you through
It wasn't me who let you go, left you by yourself
It wasn't me who let you down when you needed help

I can't help you
But only because you won't let me
Can't get through
But only because you can't set me
Free from this deserted, empty jail
But only when it came to you, I somehow failed
Let you down and still I don't know how
Everything that was there is not left now
Left alone, cold and by myself
Now I'm the one who needs help

It wasn't me who did those horrible things to you
It wasn't me who said those things and stabbed you through
It wasn't me who let you go, left you by yourself
It wasn't me who let you down when you needed help

If you could only see
But you can't because you are blind
That its not me
Who altered your state of mind
Where you were satisfied
Where you never cried
Let you down, but don't know what I did
Its stuck in my head I can't get rid
Of this thing thats eatin' away at me brain
It keeps aching away and giving me pain

It wasn't me who did those horrible things to you
It wasn't me who said those things and stabbed you through
It wasn't me who let you go, left you by yourself
It wasn't me who let you down when you needed help

Please forgive me
I can't live like this
Please set me free
I don't know what I did

Please forgive me
I can't live like this
Please set me free
I don't know what I did


Crit me, give me ideas, anything is appreciated

[ClayTheJ]

Anyone out there?????:-(Help me out

[morrissey]

I'll do this tomorrow.

[ClayTheJ]

Someone replied, YAY

[Hammer_of_the_Gods]

A little repeditive in the chorus but repitition works in some songs. I think that the repitition in the verse (first 1 mostly) could use some changing. The ending also seems to be lacking, I can feel your longing for forgivness and understanding but possibly try a different word choice (last line mostly).
6/10

[ClayTheJ]

Yea, I need to work on the ending. Thanks.

[morrissey]

It wasn't me who did those horrible things to you
It wasn't me who said those things and stabbed you through
It wasn't me who let you go, left you by yourself
It wasn't me who let you down when you needed help
Ummm... its pretty repetitive, this is good for structure... but it gets boring to read. The rhymes are... interesting.

I can't help you
But only because you won't let me
Can't get through
But only because you can't set me
This is really clichéd here.

Free from this deserted, empty jail
But only when it came to you, I somehow failed
Let you down and still I don't know how
Everything that was there is not left now
Excellent imagery in the first line.

Left alone, cold and by myself
Now I'm the one who needs help


Ok, I'm not going to do line by line anymore. I'll just say that this may work fine musically, its kind of boring on paper though. Really clichéd stuff, but just keep writing, and the good thing is that you got your emotions out, right?

Overall... 5.5/10

[ClayTheJ]

Thank you, anyone got any suggestions for a better ending?

[me and I]

yap, it's very cliche...


It wasn't me who did those horrible things to you
It wasn't me who said those things and stabbed you through
It wasn't me who let you go, left you by yourself
It wasn't me who let you down when you needed help

^ I really don't like this set. Don't start with this line, you can use it somewhere in your song though. Your rhyming is off. Overally 4/10 but I won't give points that easly :cool:

[clichealais]

It wasn't me who did those horrible things to you
It wasn't me who said those things and stabbed you through
It wasn't me who let you go, left you by yourself
It wasn't me who let you down when you needed help

Line 1-It wasn't you? Who was it then!? Line 2-4 rather bland(as was line one) perhaps you will explain who it was exactly that did these things... because it seems as though you create an alternate enemy(perhaps a scapegoat?), because when you say it wasn't me, you imply a common enemy. I'd like to read about him

I can't help you
But only because you won't let me
Can't get through
But only because you can't set me
Free from this deserted, empty jail
But only when it came to you, I somehow failed
Let you down and still I don't know how
Everything that was there is not left now
Left alone, cold and by myself
Now I'm the one who needs help

Line 1-Interesting, why can't you help the person in question? Line-2 Ah they won't let you, I understand.. Liine 3- Is it difficult to get through to her? Line 4+5-Whoa whoa whoa... this is not what you were talking about earlier in the stanza, your struggle arises, I have yet to hear about your struggle in this song, it kind of sneaks up on me, and doesn't make sense with the lines previous to it. Line 6, okay, back to her struggle.. Earlier you implied that you understand, now saying that you don't know how is contradicting. Line 7-Meh, this rhyme seems forced to go with the previous, Line 8+9- Back to your struggle... awkward!


If you could only see
But you can't because you are blind
That its not me
Who altered your state of mind
Where you were satisfied
Where you never cried
Let you down, but don't know what I did
Its stuck in my head I can't get rid
Of this thing thats eatin' away at me brain
It keeps aching away and giving me pain

Line 1-If you could only see.. if they could only see what? Line 2-This sounds very awkward with the previous line, and I've never heard someone speak like that.. "If you could only see, but you can't because you're blind.." Just not gramatically correct. Line 3-I feel this issue should have been adressed in the 2nd line, I see what you are attempting here, but it just seems awkward. Line 4-Who altered her state of mind then? The idea of speaking in fragments has been descended here.. if you are going to do something like that, you should stick to it. Line 5+6-Huh? Again this doesn't seem to make sense with the line(4) prior. Line 7- Again contradicting, you said before that the fault was not on you.. and you've implied that you understood how it happened. Line 8- What thought can't you rid yourself of? The fact that you let her down? Line 9+10-Hmm, no I suppose my assumption of line 8 would've made too much sense. Your ideas shift. This stanza to me was bland and inconsistant.



Please forgive me
I can't live like this
Please set me free
I don't know what I did

You didn't do anything you said...

Overall, I didn't like this at all.. don't contradict yourself, keep consistancy with your lines. Think about what exactly you want your reader(or listener) to get from this work. Write a bunch of ideas down on a piece of paper if you are truley passionate about a subject. Put them in order, consider priority of ideas..

Sorry if I'm a little harsh, I'd like to see you progress.

[ClayTheJ]

Good crit, thanks. I don't care if your harsh as long as you help out which you did.