no title (ill let yal guess the meaning) needs work crits please

[espf-250htd06]

Iam in cave hiding from
The cover I’ve blown
And the men I tried to kill
one way in and no way to vacate

There coming down my tunnel
To flush me out
To gut me out
To eliminate who I am

I thought you couldn’t see me
I thought I was beyond your vision
I should have just toke your life
Instead of running

All the training all the preparations
All the time spent wasted
My false step
Was a step into my future
the future i destroyed

My thrown grenade Deflects
And lands right in my face
The seconds ticking away
As I watch my life being
Blown to pieces

Every bone in my body lapsing
To a place unknown
Now I melt away but
In a firey blaze
When I vanish well I be remembered
the destination i created

theres 2nd edit idk if its better or worse but tell me what you think cya


ill let you guess what its about since yal think my songs are so confusing i like this one

crit away thanks

[IOWNU200]

I am in cave hiding from
The cover I’ve blown
And the men I tried to kill

this is alright hiding in a cave seems kind of weird but i like the last two lines

There coming down my tunnel
To flush me out
To gut me out
To eliminate who I am

I like these lyrics, i can already hear a good tune for them :)

I thought you couldn’t see me
I thought I was beyond your vision
I should have just toke your life
Instead of running

eh, this is meh, the flow seems a little sticky and i don't really like it in whole, first two lines are weak.

All the training all the preparations
All the time spent wasted
Because of one simple mistake
My false step
Was a step into my future
My future that doesn’t exist

This is all pretty good but i kind of this you lose the flow in the last line. Good wording though.

The thrown grenade Deflects
And lands right in my face
The seconds ticking away
As I watch my life being
Blown to pieces

I like the metaphor in the first line but i don't really like "your life being blown to piece" you can get something better

Every bone in my body lapsing
To a place unknown
Now I melt away but
In a firey blaze
When I vanish well I be remembered

This part is probably my favorite, i love this part.

Overall this song was pretty good. Keep up the good work my friend. there were alot of spelling errors, go over it and fix them :)

and if you could crit my song "Striving for Survival"

[Hammer_of_the_Gods]

I'm gussing Osama Bin Laden hiding in a cave.

One line that kinda sicks out is "When I vanish well I be remembered ". It just seems an odd choice of words to end a song. Maybe when I'm gone?

[ClayTheJ]

Yea weird ending, but overall a pretty good song

[Livin'Sic]

Are you in the mafia? :lol: anyway 7/10 endings needs work and the overall looks good... where the rhyming at and I dont not really follow the rhythm on your song

[espf-250htd06]

thanks for the crits iam leaving for a few days like a few minutes ill crit your song when i get back cya

[Desolated Dreams]

Iam in cave hiding from
The cover I’ve blown
And the men I tried to kill

There coming down my tunnel
To flush me out
To gut me out
To eliminate who I am

I thought you couldn’t see me
I thought I was beyond your vision
I should have just toke your life
Instead of running

All the training all the preparations
All the time spent wasted
Because of one simple mistake
My false step
Was a step into my future
My future that doesn’t exist

The thrown grenade Deflects
And lands right in my face
The seconds ticking away
As I watch my life being
Blown to pieces

Every bone in my body lapsing
To a place unknown
Now I melt away but
In a firey blaze
When I vanish well I be remembered


ill let you guess what its about since yal think my songs are so confusing i like this one

crit away thanks

yea pretty good...a lil confusin at times and a little bland and i cudnt really feel a tune whilst reading it....although many songs r like that wen u read them...songs rnt there to be read theyre there to be heard so i think it is an interesting set of lyrics. not too much to critisise. id give it....8/10

[baby2blue]

I really liked this! You had a typo or two i think, but over all I think it's some of ur best work. It seemed like it was from a solider's point of view or somethin. If that's what it is then a suggestion for a title could be 'A Solider's Fate' or somethin that says somethin about survival in it. I don't know...but this was a good one! Kudas! Later!

[espf-250htd06]

thanks for the crits ill think about that title not bad though considering you came up with it lol jp

anymore??

[espf-250htd06]

anymore com on i need some input

bump

[theredwonder]

im not doing a thorough crit, because yours was laughable. i'll just say your spelling is awful, but you have some nice lines in here like

My false step
Was a step into my future

but then you ruin that with the next line

My future that doesn’t exist

overall its not bad, but nothing wonderful. 6.9/10 :smoke:

[IOWNU200]

yeah i deffinately like the changes you made it looks much better

[Sloth]

I got a sense of some Assassin/splinter cell guy sent to kill all of these people. And in the crowd of people, was a woman/child/or friend that he let live out of pity or compassion.. The people he let live hunts him down, full of hate and revenge.. He realizes that he should have never gone to kill anyone in the first place or kill everyone there. And because he did that, he's ****ed now..
It's a fun idea.. But i think you could have done a much better job in writing this out.

[buzzrat]

like Hammer_of_the_Gods was saying the line

"When I vanish well I be remembered ''

is very good and its good to see someone with a brain cell. You have work on it more but its very good 7/10

[espf-250htd06]

yea lol splinter cell was awesome guess but i accutally got the idea for it from metal gear solid 3 (best game ever) lol thanks for the crits

anymore??

[Rocker4Lyf]

Iam in cave hiding from
The cover I’ve blown
And the men I tried to kill
one way in and no way to vacate

There coming down my tunnel
To flush me out
To gut me out
To eliminate who I am

I thought you couldn’t see me
I thought I was beyond your vision
I should have just toke your life
Instead of running

All the training all the preparations
All the time spent wasted
My false step
Was a step into my future
the future i destroyed

My thrown grenade Deflects
And lands right in my face
The seconds ticking away
As I watch my life being
Blown to pieces

Every bone in my body lapsing
To a place unknown
Now I melt away but
In a firey blaze
When I vanish well I be remembered
the destination i created



Yeah, I like the idea and I like the images and such. Unfortunately, I thought there wasn't much of a flow to it. As far as a story, it clearly tells one. From what I gathered, it paints a sort of dismal and solemn picture of something that some would think heroic...the song does a good job of showing "the other side" so to speak..hey...that may be a nifty song title for something...if not this. Hah. Anyway, I digress. The song, to me, definately seems to have the point of view of someone who is maybe a bit insecure and troubled...I hope that's accurate. In any case, good job. Work on some of the phrasing, but keep the ideas. I think that will not only help the flow, but also help the song function as a whole and maybe even evoke more thought and emotion than it already does. 6.5/10

[SarcasticVirtue]

It sounds like a ... song about a spy. O.o
Couldn't help but think Rage Against the Machine while I read this. It's not too bad.
Spell better please.

[MisterXIsSilent]

It was ok it could use a little changes though, other than that I can tell you have a lot of potential to be a songwriter.

[espf-250htd06]

thanks for the crits

if you really wana call them that>>>>misterXIsSilent
the rest were good thanks

anymore ????