Akasha

[Burningwater]

Check to see if my heart still beats
Call my name to see if I'm still aware
Hardened and dulled by eternity
Cold to a servant that saved me

Statues painted white
No one seems to be inside
We've never seen her move
But we know that she's alive

Hopefully once they could
Awaken my spirit from the dead
With some kind of heavenly rain
Soaking, washing away my shell

Statues painted white
No one seems to be inside
We've never seen her move
But we know that she's alive

Ages have come and gone
The clock seems to stand still
Moving so fast it's hard to tell
How long I've sat motionless

Statues painted white
No one seems to be inside
We've never seen her move
But we know that she's alive

Off in the distance
A sound comes faintly
A storm maybe
A pleasurable sound
Melodic in it's quality
Coming to wash this shell away

Leave lots of crit! I'm not gonna tell you what this is about this time! :lol:
Have fun.

[Burningwater]

I'm gonna keep bumping til I get some crits.

[morrissey]

Awww, you mean I have to be productive?


I'll to it tomorrow, I promise... hunt me down if you have to, but I should pop in here soon

[Burningwater]

Oh, I will hunt you down. It will be a very good hunt indeed.

[morrissey]

Check to see if my heart still beats
Call my name to see if I'm still aware
Hardened and dulled by eternity
Cold to a servant that saved me
Good imagery here. The first line draws the reader in, that is excellent. No complaints with this verse: you know you are a good writer, you have no problem with writing interesting, eye-catching stanzas.

Statues painted white
No one seems to be inside
We've never seen her move
But we know that she's alive
It seems like you are personifying a statue here. I'm still not sure what you are talking about (exactly), but this makes me want to read on. Lyrically, it is flowing well, inside/alive is a subtle enough rhyme, it works quite well.

Hopefully once they could
Awaken my spirit from the dead
With some kind of heavenly rain
Soaking, washing away my shell
I'm kind of confused now, because you were talking about her and we before, now you are talking about "they", "my". I'm not sure who the characters are, so it is pretty confusing. Lyrically, this is excellent once again.

Ages have come and gone
The clock seems to stand still
Moving so fast it's hard to tell
How long I've sat motionless
Ha I love this verse. The whole time/movement thing... that is very good stuff. You seem like you are talking from the point of view of the statue now... is that right? Oh... I think you are talking from the point of view of the statue in the last verse too... If I am right, then it make sense. This is very good work (if I am write) because I am always telling people to write from a different point of view to liven up their work... you know what you are doing :thumb:.

Off in the distance
A sound comes faintly
A storm maybe
A pleasurable sound
Melodic in it's quality
Coming to wash this shell away
I'm lovin' it. Though we traditionally think of storms as "bad" things or whatever, you say it is pleasurable. Because once the shell is gone the statue's spirit will be free? If so, brilliant work. I was confused initially, but if my assumptions are correct, then you've done a brilliant job here. If I'm far off then...uh....

Overall 8.5/10

[Burningwater]

It's a far deeper metaphor than you guessed, it comes out of a book I read. I shall explain later.

[clichealais]

Check to see if my heart still beats
Call my name to see if I'm still aware
Hardened and dulled by eternity
Cold to a servant that saved me

Very nice intro, gripping, nice diction.

Statues painted white
No one seems to be inside
We've never seen her move
But we know that she's alive

Not quite as nice as the intro, but it seems to be keeping the pace. I'm seeing the picture being painted.

Hopefully once they could
Awaken my spirit from the dead
With some kind of heavenly rain
Soaking, washing away my shell


Ages have come and gone
The clock seems to stand still
Moving so fast it's hard to tell
How long I've sat motionless


Last two lines sort of puzzle me, but I think what you are getting at.. Nice imagery again here.

Off in the distance
A sound comes faintly
A storm maybe
A pleasurable sound
Melodic in it's quality
Coming to wash this shell away

That's a nice outro

Overall, I was quite fond of this song.. I thought you did an excellent job at letting your reader live what you are feeling. My favorite stanza would have to be the intro though.. The choice of words just wowed me..

[Burningwater]

bump