My first song/time on lyrics section

[drumsforcrack]

I 've only been in the lyrics section about five seconds, so i decided to post my lyrics. C&C welcome.

Like a deer in the headlights
I stood frozen
And I just wish it was you
Instead of me

I thought you said forever
But i must be wrong
because it's all over now
and you are gone

you said tomorrow is a new day
starting over with a clean slate
that may have been true
but i am simply fading from you

Sometimes in cold nights
i lay awake for hours, wishing you would come back
but you were never really here
and then i realize, you're gone

I know it's a used subject, but whatever

[morrissey]

Not too shabs. You admitted yourself that the subject was a bit tired, so I can't really grate you for that. Just be aware that people get bored of reading these kind of subjects... especially people like me who sit at the comp all day reading crappy songs and trying to find positive aspects... MOVING ON.

I always advise beginning writers to find a new angle or a different aspect to look at these subjects from. Write from the point of view of the other person. Write from the point of view of the deer, if you have to. Actually, don't do that. But you see what I mean? Twist the subject to make it more interesting, both to the reader and to you.

Lyrics wise, it is actually quite good for a first song (if I read your comment right). Not an award winner or anything, but I took the time to write this out, so that means something.

My best advice would be to stay away from clichéd lines or ideas, because readers KNOW they are clichéd, and that turns people away. Be aware of the benefits of imagery, symbolism and other devices such as metaphors, personification etc. You have an excellent start here, much better than most, so just keep writing, I see potential.

[sexycakes]

Like a deer in the headlights
I stood frozen
And I just wish it was you
Instead of me
---deer/headlights thing is cliche'd and boring. but i see u want her to be like all hit by a car and what not, and thats pretty powerful but a little childish

I thought you said forever
But i must be wrong
because it's all over now
and you are gone
-----pretty boring stuff, nothing really good at all. all generic, totally lacking substance or imagination

you said tomorrow is a new day
starting over with a clean slate
that may have been true
but i am simply fading from you
-----so BORING! its all just monotonous talking, no fun to read, no originality

Sometimes in cold nights
i lay awake for hours, wishing you would come back
but you were never really here
and then i realize, you're gone
ok...... not.... no, just uh uh. doesnt make any sense at all

all in all, i feel sorry for the paper u wrote this on 2/10

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

^---inappropriate this time sexy

[sexycakes]

srry sometimes i get carried away. its just really boring

[morrissey]

Really sexy? I didn't think this was that bad at all. And this is his first song... I've seen much worse from people who have been writing for years.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

we dont crush first time song writers unless they are being gay, now apologize or you arent a hijacker in training anymore

[morrissey]

See? APS knows what he is talking about. Joking around is fun and all, but don't crush a song unless they actually deserve it.

You still need practice, sexy. :upset:

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

gotta have your limits

[sexycakes]

alright, ill take back my words and accept my demotion. im srry for the rip drumsforcrack, it was uncalled for.

[morrissey]

boom.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

there was no demotion, just a warning

[Burningwater]

For a first time, not that bad. I'll let you escape the hellfire for using an overused subject. I'll do an in depth crit later, I'm too lazy right now.

[ClayTheJ]

Everyones first song is normally about a girl lol

[sexycakes]

my first song was about cutting myself cause im HARDCORE! SATAN 666 INVERTED PENTAGRAM!! I HEART THE DEVIL!!! UPSIDE DOWN CROSS