Where are you now?

[TCsmartie]

WHERE ARE YOU NOW? - Its not finished quite yet, I'd really appreciate some feed-back on what i have written so far though. I'll update it when i've worked on the chorus a bit more. Cheers! :thumb:

Light shadows creep,
As I'm dreaming deep,
I shiver in my sleep.
Your roses fall,
They make no sound at all,
Yet they drown out my call...

Where are you now?
I fight my way through haunted crowds,
I'm so lost, please let me hear you say,
You'll take me to a safe place,
And you'll be guiding the way.

I wake to reality,
Breathe in and free,
Our wasted destiny.
Get up & Get out,
You know i could do without,
This upset uncertainty.

Where are you now?
I tare my way through taunting crowds,
I'm so lost, please let me hear you say,
You'll take me to a safe place,
And you'll be guiding the way.

[sexycakes]

Light shadows creep,
As I'm dreaming deep,
I shiver in my sleep.
Your roses fall,
They make no sound at all,
Yet they drown out my call...

the first three lines are good, but the next three dont make any sense and sound forced. im not sure how roses falling have anything to do with silencing someone. bad metaphor basically (if it even is a metaphor)

Where are you now?
I fight my way through haunted crowds,
I'm so lost, please let me hear you say,
You'll take me to a safe place,
And you'll be guiding the way.

this is ok, but the last line is pointless due to the fact that if she is taking u somewhere, then she (he?) obviously is guiding the way

I wake to reality,
Breathe in and free,
Our wasted destiny.
Get up & Get out,
You know i could do without,
This upset uncertainty.

not really sure what the get up and get out is saying. i mean, get up and get out of where? it seems that all ur stuff is good until u get to the fourth line. i dunno, maybe i found a pattern.

Where are you now?
I tare my way through taunting crowds,
I'm so lost, please let me hear you say,
You'll take me to a safe place,
And you'll be guiding the way.

is it spelled tear?or tare? any way, same as before.

all around, this song seems to not really follow a theme, in the first stanza its about absolutly nothing as far as i can tell, the chorus makes more sense tho, its about asking for someone to take u somewhere safe (where u two can make some lovin :naughty: ) actually reading now, the chorus is the ONLY thing that makes sense. i dont even know how to critique this, it doesnt make sense. 3/10 for chorus

[TCsmartie]

Thanks for your crit. I got to work on it don't i?! I guess some songs are only meant to be understood by the writer... but i'm gonna look over it again and sort it out. Thanks! Anyone else want to crit??

[ClayTheJ]

Yea, the first verse seems good, but then the song kinda goes off on its own, but there are songs that only the writer can understand

[TCsmartie]

Ok - I've worked on it a bit more and added another verse and chorus. Any ideas on it now??

Light shadows creep, as I’m dreaming deep,
I shiver in my sleep.
Your roses shead, dried petals of red,
And they gather round by bed.

Where are you now?
I tear my way through taunting crowds,
I'm so lost, please won’t you show me the way,
Come back and guide me
before I slide astray.

I wake to reality,
Breathe in and free,
Our wasted destiny.
Get up & Get out,
you know I could do without,
This upset uncertainty.

Where are you now?
I tear my way through taunting crowds,
I'm so lost, please won’t you show me the way,
Come back and guide me
before I slide astray.

I can’t see you now; you left sometime, I don’t know when
I should have never let you go.
My mind is so far away, too scared to find my way out
& I’m still asking,
Where are you now?

I turn in a daze, wishing to meet your gaze
Then blinded into by the suns bright rays,
And sometimes I call, I shout out as I fall
But you hear no sound at all.

[TCsmartie]

Can someone crit my re-write?? Or do i have to re-post it? I'd really appreciate some feed back! Thanks. :-)