Rebirth(poem)

[clichealais]

Interpret this as you wish :)... wrote this up last night and today. Crit me I'll give you a full critique. .. trying to make recovery from my gladiator poem.. it's tough to try and relate a poem to a serious subject when you aren't seriously intereseted in either.. can't force yourself to write something.. with that defense out of the way .. here's my poem, tell me what you think.


Rebirth


The remains of something lovely, synthetically arise
Hauntingly beautiful, like a ghost orchid rose
The ancient statuesque beauty, modern artists bring to life

Pieta breathe the streets of Italy, Mary, a mother in woe
Over her son, blood caking over on his crown of thorns
This is dogmatic, not catastrophic, won’t someone let her know?

It’s a starry night in the palace of Versailles, stunningly beatific
Mona Lisa, arrives, elegant in her dress,
when the lights go out, Mona shows more than a smile, chastity seems distant

Some things, are just better left ambiguous, often when we
Elaborate, artistry is immolated,
Let the masses percept, and perhaps they’ll enhance full beauty-

Criterion dawns on all, art fades away from the unknown,
Mona’s face is depicted back to canvas, as
Stars descend from the sky, and while Mary sobs, she hardens like stone

[clichealais]

Anyone?

[Kickflip_Burrito]

This seems very disjointed. First you talk about Rome and Italy, then you go to Mary, mother of Jesus Christ, who died in Israel (that area anyway), the Versialles which is France. Then Mona Lisa :confused: then Mary and Jesus turn 'back' to stone?

I can't seem to interpret what this is about? Seems like a load of historical events harmonised with words.

EDIT : Your descriptive language is very good.

[clichealais]

Not historical events neccesarilly, the Pieta was a sculpture which showed Mary holding a dead jesus in her arms.. made by michelangelo.. I assume it stands somewhere in italy, I'm not quite sure..

[Kickflip_Burrito]

Ok, starting to make some sense. Why have you got Mona Lisa and France?

Is this song all about art??

[clichealais]

To me, it's not "about" art, but I suppose it is bound to that idea in your eyes, that's fine. Like I said, percept is as you wish. :)

[Kickflip_Burrito]

Ok then. What is this poem about? You tell me the answer.

[clichealais]

I can't seem to find a pm option on these forums, so I'll send you an email(if you give me your email adress) describing the meaning of this poem, to me. I'd just rather not say it in the topic where it's displayed, I'd like people to make there own interpretations rather than read off of mine...

[Burningwater]

The first part where you are describing different artist works(Versailles, Mona Lisa, the Pieta) and you act as if they are alive. But then you go into the meaning that I interpret, that everyone should interpret art for themselves so that it's ambiguous. Then, if artists come out with their meaning, art only has one form.
Very good imagery, I could see what was going on quite clearly.
9/10 Keep up the good work.

[clichealais]

I updated this a bit, thanks for the feedback folks...

[clichealais]

Anyone else?

[clichealais]

Updated a tidbit more, anyone else?

[morrissey]

I didn't read this before the updates, so I don't know how much it has improved.

I couldn't see this as a song, but as a poem it is beautiful. You have a definite way with words, and I feel that you could make even the most boring situation poetic and beautiful. I don't have much to say other than that... it was an interesting read, and I think I have liked your stuff in the past (if you wrote that poem about the little boys and the father... that was good stuff)... anyways, keep up the excellent work.

[clichealais]

Thanks morrisey, I'm not big on writing songs. I just find it hard to find a middle point.. when I write songs they usually end up far too blunt. Though I hope over time to find some kind of neutrality.

[clichealais]

Bump

[Nightvision]

I'll crit this - you've been good to me, so I'll return the favour. Hold on while I do it. :)

[Nightvision]

Hmmm - I'll warn you before I start, I don't care much for art, and I'm not overly big on poetry, so I guess you're up against it a tad here...

The remains of something lovely, synthetically arise
Hauntingly beautiful, like a ghost orchid rose
The ancient statuesque beauty, modern artists bring to life

Good, good start - the use of half-rhymes is something you see so rarely on here, to see you using them is quite a nice treat.

Pieta breathe the streets of Italy, Mary, a mother in woe
Over her son, blood caking over on his crown of thorns
This is dogmatic, not catastrophic, won’t someone let her know?

Ugh - religion, the cardinal sin of songwriting. This wasn't awful, but my personal preferences really stopped me being able to say much positive about this bit - sorry.

It’s a starry night in the palace of Versailles, stunningly beatific
Mona Lisa, arrives, elegant in her dress,
when the lights go out, Mona shows more than a smile, chastity seems distant

Haha - very, very good. That last line was clever and funny. You clearly have a dry sense of humour, and have worked it beautifully in there - top class.

Some things, are just better left ambiguous, often when we
Elaborate, artistry is immolated,
Let the masses percept, and perhaps they’ll enhance full beauty-

I don't know if I like this - it doesn't seem to fit much, and seems a round peg in a square hole, if you will. Vocab-wise it's fine, but it does ruin the flow a tad.

Criterion dawns on all, art fades away from the unknown,
Mona’s face is depicted back to canvas, as
Stars descend from the sky, and while Mary sobs, she hardens like stone

Liked this - very final, and the imagery was good - I think I'm seeing what you're trying to say, which is a plus point, as indecipherable imagery is a pet hate of mine. You also managed to keep the reader unsure as to what it was about until the very last verse, when they suddenly go: "Ooooooooh, right!!" and can't believe they didn't get it earlier - that's a very good thing indeed. Well done.

Overall:
Not a bad piece at all - you're a good writer, although your subject's a little odd, at least it was original. Just be careful of trying to say too much at times - you can ruin the flow very easily.

Score:
8/10 - nice work.

[DoubtingVada]

First let me just say that this is awesome, some of the best poetry I've seen on these boards.

Now here's my crit :


The remains of something lovely, synthetically arise
Hauntingly beautiful, like a ghost orchid rose
The ancient statuesque beauty, modern artists bring to life

Beautiful imagery and use of words .... the first two lines are flawless. The second doesn't seem to flow as well, it may just be a little long. Whatever, it's still great.

Pieta breathe the streets of Italy, Mary, a mother in woe
Over her son, blood caking over on his crown of thorns
This is dogmatic, not catastrophic, won’t someone let her know?

This isn't as poetic as the first verse, you need some more description or something. I also don't like how woe/know sound together.

It’s a starry night in the palace of Versailles, stunningly beatific
Mona Lisa, arrives, elegant in her dress,
when the lights go out, Mona shows more than a smile, chastity seems distant

Again, the last line is a *little* long, but nothing serious. This is good. I like the way you're thinking, it's different :)

Some things, are just better left ambiguous, often when we
Elaborate, artistry is immolated,
Let the masses percept, and perhaps they’ll enhance full beauty-

Nice ... I don't really get this, but whatever. It sounds good, and that's all poetry really is. Musical-sounding words.

Criterion dawns on all, art fades away from the unknown,
Mona’s face is depicted back to canvas, as
Stars descend from the sky, and while Mary sobs, she hardens like stone
[/i]
I don't like the last line, it's the unknown/stone thing. But the ending is very clear, and I like that. I know it's hard to do.

This is really, really good. 9/10

[clichealais]

Thank you guys.. I really appreciate the feedback. It is doubtful that I will update this piece again, not because I feel it is flawless.. but I just don't think it would be the same... It's hard to explain. But your comments have not gone without purpose I ensure you. I will be sure to remember everything I've done wrong here in the next song/poem I write.