it lies with you- new song please crit

[hannah]

hey guys. haven't been here in a while. the work at uni has finally kicked in! anyway i wrote this today in the little free time i have these days to a piece of music that i've had hanging around for a while now. its not all of it, this fits the beginning of the song before it gets rockier/heavier. i just wanted some input before i go any further/develop it. i would really appreciate any comments, i'll crit back best i can. cheers x

you had your hand on your heart
now you're pale with realisation
that these truths fell apart
solely because of you

you fail to keep the blood pumping
you faint and fall at their feet
i recall i told you something
how very foolish of me

i may die in their hands
but you, you point and pull the trigger
the blood, the guilt it lies with you
conscience will be your killer

[PTFROCKS]

so far, so good...can't wait for the finished product. nice flow and good words.
8/10 so far

[adamon]

hannah,this is very good,like PTF said,i cant wait till its finished...keep up the good work!

[morrissey]

This is very good, I can see that you obviously know how to convey emotion in your songwriting. Just one comment: I've been noticing that the whole "pull the trigger" thing has been used alot in songs recently, do the point that it is really becoming tedious. I'm not saying you should necessarily change it, but just be aware of that, because that is the only thing that I can find that is slightly negative about your song.

I suggest you continue, as others have mentioned and keep up the good work. :)

[sexycakes]

the rhyms are shweet (and thats a good thing) and its very well thought out, trying to actually keep a constant flow and idea, good so far