subliminal messages

[MakinSalad]

ok i think my lyrics are getting a little better but judge for yourself. this song is called subliminal messages.
verse1:
what are you doing
wake up to reality
look in the world
the increasing of casualitites
when you do this
you arrise the infliction
this causes my actions
determines my decisions

Chorus:come through the light
like a bullet through the sun
enjoy life, just have fun
dont release all of
your thoughts at one time
the reason for your confusions
are your subminal messed up signs

Verse2:the circle of innerness
the circle of outness
all sourrounded by
your self consciousness
seperated by the lines
all crammed together
all lost, in time
wandering, flying like a feather

verse 3:
dont want to make this worst
just want to break the curse
the worries in my mind
all of the confusions
just want to rewind
for all i can see
are subminal messed up signs
so i leave you free

[PTFROCKS]

all of the confusions
just want to rewind


exactly. did this several times and still don't know what to say :upset:

[MakinSalad]

what?, i dont get what your trying say

[morrissey]

He is trying to diss you, but does a bad job of phrasing his insult. He tries to "rewind" all of the confusion he suffered due to your piece... and even when he erases his confusion, he still has no comment for your song.

Moving on...

what are you doing
wake up to reality
look in the world
the increasing of casualitites
Casualitites = Casualties. This starts of terribly clichéd... but it improves with the 3rd and 4th verse. A nice statement of current times... Iraq? I'll have to read on. But good opening.

when you do this
you arrise the infliction
this causes my actions
determines my decisions
I'm not sure what you are talking about. When you do what? Wake up? Sort of confusing. But nice rhyming.

Chorus:come through the light
like a bullet through the sun
Good imagery, nice start. I could see this being very catchy.

enjoy life, just have fun
dont release all of
your thoughts at one time
No. This is... no. Really bad.

the reason for your confusions
are your subminal messed up signs
You almost sound smart... then you say "messed up". Open up a thesaurus, you can find a much better word than that. Other than that, not too shabs.

Verse2:the circle of innerness
the circle of outness
WTF? No... that's no.

all sourrounded by
your self consciousness
That's not too shabs, so I would suggest changing the first 2 lines, because this part here is fine.

seperated by the lines
all crammed together
all lost, in time
wandering, flying like a feather
This could be passable, but FLYING LIKE A FEATHER? Worst forced rhyme ever. I've said it before, and I will say it again: I prefer parts that don't rhyme AND MAKE SENSE, than rhymes like this.

dont want to make this worst
just want to break the curse
Worst = worse. See my comment above about rhymes.
the worries in my mind
all of the confusions
just want to rewind
This is fine. I'll let the rhyme go but.. ya.
for all i can see
are subminal messed up signs
so i leave you free
See/free=no. And same comment about "messed-up" as above.

You have some excellent parts, some decent parts, and lots of crap. I can see you are a new writer, and I don't doubt that you have improved, and you will continue to do so. But just stay away from forced rhymes, clichéd imagery and statements, and you should be good to go.

Overall 5.5/10

[metallicaisthebestbandever6]

I like it nice job 8/10

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

^--crit of the day :award:

[morrissey]

oh god... he's back.

metallica: don't post crits like that. Please.

[sexycakes]

is outness a word?

[morrissey]

In a word (get it... in...a ...WORD... I... you...no...I....) NO!

[sexycakes]

AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH THATS SO FUNNY THAT I MIGHT JUST LAUGH SOME MORE (ahem)HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA HA. good stuff

postcount++

[morrissey]

agreed.

POSTCOUNT ++ :naughty:

[Burningwater]

I didn't like it so the least I could do is tear it apart for you.

what are you doing
wake up to reality
look in the world
the increasing of casualitites
when you do this
you arrise the infliction
this causes my actions
determines my decisions
-- Seems to be driven by a rhyme scheme, half the time you use full "sentences" and the other half you use phrases, it just sounds awful. No real imagery or metaphor worth mentioning, makes me think of a war with the casualties. I'm not sure what you are even talking about yet.

Chorus:come through the light
like a bullet through the sun
enjoy life, just have fun
dont release all of
your thoughts at one time
the reason for your confusions
are your subminal messed up signs
--The simile sounds good, but it doesn't mean jack squat to me. It makes me think of a bullet getting melted in the sun and not even getting half way. "Enjoy life, just have fun" omg that sounds so...homo...to say the least. I still haven't a clue what you are talking about.

Verse2:the circle of innerness
the circle of outness
all sourrounded by
your self consciousness
seperated by the lines
all crammed together
all lost, in time
wandering, flying like a feather
--First off...outness is not a word, as we have already established. Too many "-ness"
I'm kinda getting the picture of this song. About this point I'm sick of the rhyme scheme and want to shoot myself. Feathers don't fly, floating would be a better term.

verse 3:
dont want to make this worst
just want to break the curse
the worries in my mind
all of the confusions
just want to rewind
for all i can see
are subminal messed up signs
so i leave you free
-- worst/curse "AGH!!!", nuff said there. Um, I disliked "subliminal messed up signs" the first time, I hated it the second. I'm done critting, I'll just stab at the meaning. This is about someone who doesn't go anywhere in life because they think everything has another meaning and they can't decide which meaning to take?
4/10 for effort(lacking in)

[morrissey]

That was an excellent crit Burningwater, made me laugh :lol:. I officially <3 you.

[Burningwater]

Does love really have to be official?

btw- every single letter I typed on that crit, I relished with indescribable pleasure.

[morrissey]

:lol:

See, I never knew you were funny. But now I know. :amaze: