New song, pls crit

[Skinfish]

Telephone wire between me and you
i feel brand new
i built a brick wall to keep me from you
but you broke through

give me somthing
give me a clue
your telling me nothing
what am i to do
but in the meantime

ill take a walk in the sunshinex3

cracked up pavments
too many payments to make
i need a break
you draw the curtains
but its curtains for you
what can you do
but in the meantime

just take a walk in the sunshinex3

cheers

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

this song is way too depressing, it makes me want to slit my wrists, jerk

[Skinfish]

this song is way too depressing, it makes me want to slit my wrists, jerk

in what way is it depressing, you ignorant twerp

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

im being an asshole, dont take that last comment seriously, cause i might just not give you an actual crit :)

[PTFROCKS]

ooohhhh, feel the love in here.
lots of rhymes at the end of each line...sounds sort of sing songy. and pretty short...take up about 10 seconds on a cd...unless of course there's lots, and i mean LOTS of instrumental stuff.
i however did not find it depressing in any way, except....the sunshine thing....that reminded me of katrina and the waves....yuck
3/10

[Skinfish]

fair enough! me too

Crit me life dry

[Skinfish]

ooohhhh, feel the love in here.
lots of rhymes at the end of each line...sounds sort of sing songy. and pretty short...take up about 10 seconds on a cd...unless of course there's lots, and i mean LOTS of instrumental stuff.
i however did not find it depressing in any way, except....the sunshine thing....that reminded me of katrina and the waves....yuck
3/10

song is incomplete at the moment, the bits that are, are spread over 2.5 mins of rock n roll/blues stuff with a rather catchy melody, liking the beatles, oasis, seahorses, stone roses kinda thing

cheers for the comments :cool:

ps. the songs we post on here arent based soley upon poetry, they are to be played with a band, not spoken or sung in your head as im sure some of the songs on here are with 25 verses and 84 bridges and tremendous ammounts of chouri, im not trying to be offensive to some people, only put across our ideas of what a song should be

cheers again :)

[PTFROCKS]

i stand corrected....blues/rock rules. look forward to the completed version.

[morrissey]

Let me start by saying that you have some slight talent, based on reading this work. And that is a compliment, because 90%* of the people who post songs seem to have no talent whatsoever. However, this slight talent for words and forming interesting lines is dulled by your insistence on writing followup lines which destroy your song.


*Actually 91%

Telephone wire between me and you
i feel brand new
Interesting first line, it makes me want to read on. Then I get to the song line - WTF are you talking about?? It has nothing to do with the first line, it is the most clichéd line I have ever heard, and the rhyme (you/new) should be taken out back and shot! That's terrible. See what I mean? Excellent first line, terrible follow up.

i built a brick wall to keep me from you
but you broke through
Well, the difference here is that both lines are clichéd and boring. But at least you didn't ruin the first line, since it was bad enough already.

give me somthing
give me a clue
your telling me nothing
what am i to do
but in the meantime
Hmm, that's just bad. Very clichéd, overdone. I would suggest a total re-write, because when I see things like that, I tend to ignore the rest of the song and go on with my day. You don't want to turn the reader away with your second stanza! That's not good.

ill take a walk in the sunshinex3
This is interesting. Simple, but I like the imagery here. Not too shabs.

cracked up pavments
too many payments to make
i need a break
First line is excellent imagery, it ties in with the 'walk in the sunshine' part. Next line is blah, but I was willing to let it go. But then the 3rd line... SERIOUSLY? That's forced rhyming at its worst. You take something good, make it passable with the 2nd line, and ruin it with the 3rd. Do not do this, you are better than that.

you draw the curtains
but its curtains for you
I don't know WTF you are talking about here. Sorry. I don't see the point in repeating curtains. :confused:

what can you do
but in the meantime
Repetition from before, ties the song together, but its... you can do better.

just take a walk in the sunshinex3

Ok, as I stated I can see that you aren't a terrible writer. But you walk the thin line between bad, clichéd writing and... non-bad writing (:rolleyes: ). Get rid of the clichés, fine tune your better phrases, and you might have something here.

Overall 5/10

[MakinSalad]

your decent at writing. but i'm not gonna lie to you, you need to work on some things. just to let you know i'm not like a professional either but i've been getting a lot better recently. one thing dont force rymes, because it doesnt always have to ryhme. i used to be in the path your taking, trying to make catchy rhymes but you cant force rhymes. try to really write for meaning and if you can ryhme and make sense, then hey thats great if not then let it go once in a while. ok the line about feeling brand new has to do. heres how i would maybe approach it,
"Telephone wire between me and you,
gap between us
draw the line to seperate me and you
for today it must

just an idea, i know its not so good either. but anyways another thing you should take out is when you say
"but in the meantime" it doesnt go with the rest. also i dont see the significance of the talk about the curtains is, but overall its ok. if i had to rate it 1-10 i would give it probaly a five, orginally i was thinking of a four but the chorus makes me bump up my rating, just keep on working on it, i'm not that good either but just read like professional bands lyrics and see how they do it that always helps, allright hopefully i helped you out. review some of mine too
"

[Skinfish]

who are you people, why do you have to find some deep inner meaning with everything.
do you break up and analyse every song you hear a song is a song to cheer people up and so they can sing thier head off at gigs ,not stood there with a small pad making notes on the lyrical prowess of the song.

obviously you need to hear the song itself to get the feel of it

[morrissey]

who are you people, why do you have to find some deep inner meaning with everything.
do you break up and analyse every song you hear a song is a song to cheer people up and so they can sing thier head off at gigs ,not stood there with a small pad making notes on the lyrical prowess of the song.

obviously you need to hear the song itself to get the feel of it

Of course not. But this is a lyrics forum, we don't have the benefit of hearing the music or the melody of the vocals. Just what you present here. Almost any words can sound good if the melody is interesting; that is not what we are here to critique. We comment on the words, and though songs don't have to have "deep inner meanings", simple songs only work if done well. You have a good start here, it just needs some fine tuning. You can take our suggestions, or you cannot. But if you don't want our responses, do not post here. :thumb: