Not Above Begging, I've gone acoustic :P

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Ben Stivers
11/25/04

Not Above Begging

I'll mail you those sympathy cards tomorrow,
The ones that say I'm sorry,
The ones I never let you look at, to see the crumpled paper tucked inside.
The one's that said I loved you more than I could ever describe.

My spoken words, always seem to come out desperate.
To sound like I'm down on my knees.
As my mouth grows numb, I'll whisper those last innocent cries to you.

My desperate cries, always seem to come out light as air.
To sound like I'm miles away.
And as my eyes close tight, I'll scream out those last innocent cries.

I saw you take all those heart soaked papers, and watched as you threw them all away.
I can't wear my heart on my sleave, cause I'm trying not to let on.
Get up get over it, I say to myself every day,
But its not that easy, no it's not that easy.

My spoken words, always seem to come out desperate.
To sound like I'm down on my knees.
As my mouth grows numb, I'll whisper those last innocent cries to you.

My desperate cries, always seem to come out light as air.
To sound like I'm miles away.
And as my eyes close tight, I'll scream out those last innocent cries.

Grow up get over the pain,
It's not that easy.
This was just a few seconds too late,
And now the time is gone.

My spoken words, always seem to come out desperate.
To sound like I'm down on my knees.
As my mouth grows numb, I'll whisper those last hope cries to you.

My desperate cries, always seem to come out light as air.
To sound like I'm miles away.
And as my eyes close tight, I'll scream out those last innocent cries.

As I fall down on my knees,
My final screams,
Come out light as air,
And their fading quickly.

[CofDdrums12]

It seemed like Linkin Park meets Blink-182.
But, I like those two bands so that isn't bad IMO.
The last 4 lines were my fave.
But it should be "And they're fading quickly", not "their".
I'm sure you don't care, I'm just pointing it out :P
Aaanyways.
It was a cool song that had deep emotion behind it,
accoustic would definitely work for it.
8/10
Later for you.
PS: Crit. my song "Boring". I've only gotten one crit. on it and I kinda like the song.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

argh i did it again... thanks for finding that

It seemed like Linkin Park meets Blink-182

haha, too bad the vocal pattern is way different than what youre thinking... wishful thinking from you maybe?

thanks for the crit

[morrissey]

You're a bum.

I will crit this later.

[PTFROCKS]

wow...this is an excellent novel...i mean song ;) love the emotion behind it, and it flows well...i don't see any linkin park or blink 182.... and frankly, i see that as a good thing.
great lyric, keep it up.
8.5/10

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

this song isnt a hit :(

/not surprised

[sparkylp2002]

I'll mail you those sympathy cards tomorrow,
The ones that say I'm sorry,
The ones I never let you look at, to see the crumpled paper tucked inside.
The one's that said I loved you more than I could ever describe.

Good way to start off this song with. Nice flow to it. However i dont like the line "The ones that say I'm sorry". That line seems to throw off the flow and it doesnt fit that well into the song.

My spoken words, always seem to come out desperate.
To sound like I'm down on my knees.
As my mouth grows numb, I'll whisper those last innocent cries to you.

This part of the song is a bit weak in my opinion. The "always seem to come out desperate" really doesnt fit in well. I do like the part "I'll whisper those last innocent cries to you" part.

My desperate cries, always seem to come out light as air.
To sound like I'm miles away.
And as my eyes close tight, I'll scream out those last innocent cries.

This part is good however i would recomend changing the second line of this part. The second line does not seem to fit in that well in my opinion. besides that nothing else to say here.

I saw you take all those heart soaked papers, and watched as you threw them all away.
I can't wear my heart on my sleave, cause I'm trying not to let on.
Get up get over it, I say to myself every day,
But its not that easy, no it's not that easy

This part is good, very good. The flow is good and the word choice is nice too. I would recomend rewording the part "I can't wear my heart on my sleave, cause I'm trying not to let on." because at this point it doesnt fit in that well.

Grow up get over the pain,
It's not that easy.
This was just a few seconds too late,
And now the time is gone

I like the last two lines but not the first two. The first two dont flow real well together. However i do like the last two lines a lot.

As I fall down on my knees,
My final screams,
Come out light as air,
And their fading quickly.

This is a good way to end off the song with, but I recomend rewriting it a little. Since at this point this verse does not flow very well.

In conclusion this song was pretty good, but not one of your better pieces. Thats about all ihave to say so i give you a 7/10

Here is a link to my new song if you wouldnt mind checking it out
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=268878

[blueeyedirishguitarguy]

Actually...I really like it....hears my 2 cents....


I'll mail you those sympathy cards tomorrow,
The ones that say I'm sorry,
The ones I never let you look at, to see the crumpled paper tucked inside.
The one's that said I loved you more than I could ever describe.

These lines have to be read more than once to really get the rhyming scheme...but I finally got it. I really like these lines. They seem to have multiple meaning. I don't know how you read the lines, but I would move the second part of the third line down to make it its own line. I know that doesn't change much, but maybe it would read more easily. No complaints about the wording tho. 5/5

My spoken words, always seem to come out desperate.
To sound like I'm down on my knees.
As my mouth grows numb, I'll whisper those last innocent cries to you.

Wow...I love these lines. I'm a little shaky on how the flow works here...I'd have to hear it to see the pattern...otherwise these lines are amazing. Still no complaints 5/5

My desperate cries, always seem to come out light as air.
To sound like I'm miles away.
And as my eyes close tight, I'll scream out those last innocent cries.

I'm still in awe. These lines are better then there predicesors...lol. I really like these lines. "My desperate cries, always seem to come out light as air.
To sound like I'm miles away"...I would have to say that those are my favorite two lines in the piece. Still no complaints 5/5

I saw you take all those heart soaked papers, and watched as you threw them all away.
I can't wear my heart on my sleave, cause I'm trying not to let on.
Get up get over it, I say to myself every day,
But its not that easy, no it's not that easy.

:D I love imagery. I think that every song should have just a hint of imagery in it. Heart soaked paper....you are very clever. I have found my first complaint tho. And I can't say that I haven't fallen victim to this terrible reality...but the last line is very cliche...I know that it is very hard to avoid it cuz sometimes it is what fits best....but it doesn't fit the rest of this piece....so far there is an imense amount of talent flowing through this piece so I don't see the cliche working....but if you feel it fits and that's what works best....let's keep going 4/5

Grow up get over the pain,
It's not that easy.
This was just a few seconds too late,
And now the time is gone.

Well the first line seems a bit repetative from one of the other lines in your song...."Get up get over it, I say to myself every day"...but the rewording does seem to work. I dont know...to me it seems like this part is a bit forced. You seem to have thrown this in the middle of some really good lines.....I like the lines, but I dont feel as though they fit the rest of the piece. Maybe some rewording? It's not my work so I'll just stick to the crit....but that's just how I feel 3/5

As I fall down on my knees,
My final screams,
Come out light as air,
And their fading quickly

Now this is short, but sweet. I think this is a great closer to a great song. I really like these lines. I really like your reference to "light as air" when it comes to your screams....this song really makes me feel like you are trying to say that you aren't heard enough/well-enough. 4/5

I really like this piece. There are a couple minor drawback, but if they work for you then keep them. I just thought I'd take some time to give you a constructive crit. I know how much it means to see something about your work.......it really gives you an insite to how other people feel about your work. Overall 9/10

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

easy with rhyme with day when i sing it

cause it will go like easA(a held out)

ill crit you guys back one i get done with my dinner :)

[morrissey]

.. You mean I have to be serious.. :upset:.. I'll try.

I'll mail you those sympathy cards tomorrow,
The ones that say I'm sorry,
Excellent opening line. There is emotion in it... It makes the reader want to know what it is that you have done to warrant sympathy cards. The next line follows up perfectly, no complaints at all. I quite like it.

The ones I never let you look at, to see the crumpled paper tucked inside.
The one's that said I loved you more than I could ever describe.
The rhyme is excellent, it doesn't feel forced but it gives a nice flow to it. I like how descriptive you are here. But second line should be "the ONES" not one's. Just a small thing.

My spoken words, always seem to come out desperate.
To sound like I'm down on my knees.
As my mouth grows numb, I'll whisper those last innocent cries to you.
Come on, APS... this is beautiful. No complaints at all, you have a way with words.

My desperate cries, always seem to come out light as air.
To sound like I'm miles away.
And as my eyes close tight, I'll scream out those last innocent cries.
Excellent work with keeping the pattern from the last verse (or whatever that was). You change it up, saying the opposite (now desperate starts the line)... great knowledge of structure. Just one thing... to sound like I'm miles away... kind of cliché, but it works fine in the context.

I saw you take all those heart soaked papers, and watched as you threw them all away.
Heart-soaked papers... that's beautiful.. .and desperate and sad...and a whole bunch of emotions mixed together. Peferction in three words.
I can't wear my heart on my sleave, cause I'm trying not to let on.
Get up get over it, I say to myself every day,
But its not that easy, no it's not that easy.
Sleave=sleeve. The 3rd line (get up...), that's really weak for you. Terrible, in fact. I would expect much better, I wouldn't mind you changing that up, but its your song. The rest is, as usual, quite excellent (I need a new word...)

My spoken words, always seem to come out desperate.
To sound like I'm down on my knees.
As my mouth grows numb, I'll whisper those last innocent cries to you.

My desperate cries, always seem to come out light as air.
To sound like I'm miles away.
And as my eyes close tight, I'll scream out those last innocent cries.

Grow up get over the pain,
It's not that easy.
This was just a few seconds too late,
And now the time is gone.
... You change get up to grow up here... and it works much better. This is a simple stanza, nothing really stands out as being amazing, but its not too shabs either.

My spoken words, always seem to come out desperate.
To sound like I'm down on my knees.
As my mouth grows numb, I'll whisper those last hope cries to you.

My desperate cries, always seem to come out light as air.
To sound like I'm miles away.
And as my eyes close tight, I'll scream out those last innocent cries.

As I fall down on my knees,
My final screams,
Come out light as air,
And their fading quickly.
Their = they're/they are. Other than that, excellence abound.

You know that I love to read your work, I don't think that I have made that a secret around these parts :naughty:. You have some incredible skills with words, and an interesting ability to have emotion pour out of your lines. You know you have talent, you don't need me to tell you. There are some loose edges that I have mentioned.. but if you keep writing songs like this, and you can sing and play bass/guitar... I don't see any reason why you wouldn't be successful. Keep up the excellent work.

Signed,
Mozza

Overall 9.3/10..

[sexycakes]

sexy cakes is HUMBLED :goes to work on better songs, realizes their utter crap, and begins to cry, just cry:

[morrissey]

emo bastard.