Striving to Survive

[IOWNU200]

Alright, first new piece in awhile

Verse 1

A blessing given surpassed by one you've earned
Make it on your own, there's alot to be learned
To struggle for survival is to be in shape
To live your life using all you can scrape

Chorus

I want to leave this home
I want to make it on my own
To fight for my next meal
on the streets where there's nothing to conceal
Your life is a battle, no need to rearrange
Here you are what you are and that will never change


Verse 2

On the streets you have nothing, you maintain a raw edge
All alone in this world you'll live out a legde
When everything is taken away all that's left is yourself
You have your desires and your beliefs the will to prove yourself

Chorus

Verse 3

Listen to an opinion don't take upon it as fact
Adopt an idea and you'll face yourself back to back
What's right for them isn't right for you
Forget what they say, it's not for them to choose

Outro

Trapped in this home...I'm losing faith in things i used to know
Trapped in this home...I'm losing myself in this same routine
Trapped in this home...Isolated, trapped in this world of lies
Trapped in this home...Away from truths, where many dreams will die

[Hammer_of_the_Gods]

I like it. Might need a little work, as in word choice, but all around I think that with the right music it could work.

[sparkylp2002]

Verse 1

A blessing given surpassed by one you've earned
Make it on your own, there's alot to learn
What's at stake is survival and freedom
It's a battle much different from life in isolation

I didnt like this verse here. The flow didnt seem to go all that well, and the word choice wasnt that great. I suggest rewritting this verse.

Chorus

I want to leave this home
I want to make it on my own
To fight for my next meal
on the streets there's nothing to conceal
Here you are what you are and that will never change

I didnt like this part either. The flow wasnt good in it. However I did like the line "Here you are what you are and that will never change".

Verse 2

On the streets you have nothing, you maintain a raw edge
All alone in this world you become who you are
When everything is taken away all that's left is yourself
There's no unclean distractions, no tempting attractions
You have your desires and your beliefs, you have your personality

I didnt like this verse either. Once again the flow wasnt good. With the exception of this line "There's no unclean distractions, no tempting attractions".

Breakdown

You can't develop, you can't unwind
A struggle with society, not a quarrel with yourself

I like the first line of this, but not the second. However the flow was good between these two lines here.


Verse 3

Listen to an opinion don't take upon it as fact
Adopt an opinion and you'll face yourself back to back
What's right for them isn't right for you
Forget what they say, it's not for them to choose

This verse is better than all the rest. The flow was alright, and the word choice was pretty good. I like the line "Listen to an opinion don't take upon it as fact".

Outro

Trapped in this home...I'm losing faith in things i used to know
Trapped in this home...I'm losing myself in this same routine
Trapped in this home...Isolated, trapped in this world of lies

I like this part and it is a good way to end off the song with. However i suggest you take out the part with "Trapped in this home". That kinda ruined the flow of the rest of this.

In conclusion I didnt like this piece with the exception of a few parts. Most of this song i suggest a rewrite of it. Id give your song a 4/5

Here is a link to my song if you wouldnt mind crit it.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=268878

[IOWNU200]

bump, i'll crit back if you leave a link

[IOWNU200]

crit please...it's my first song in awhile

[morrissey]

later

[IOWNU200]

i think i might cry if this dosen't get a crit this time through

[morrissey]

A blessing given surpassed by one you've earned
Make it on your own, there's alot to learn
Excellent first line, it really draws the reader in. The second line flows well enough, and the rhyme adds... flow, which is good. It doesn't feel forced or anything. This is a good start, it makes me want to read on.

What's at stake is survival and freedom
It's a battle much different from life in isolation
I'm not sure if that is supposed to rhyme, but it doesn't. No matter, it works fine as it is. Not too shabs here, nothing much to add.

Chorus

I want to leave this home
I want to make it on my own
Ummm, no. This home/own thing... it probably works well in song format, but here it looks cheap. And this sort of thing is very clichéd, as I am sure you are aware. Based on the opening stanza, you can do much better than this.

To fight for my next meal
on the streets there's nothing to conceal
Here you are what you are and that will never change
There are 5 lines... which is sort of odd. Again, it may work in song format, but here it looks out of place. Again, the rhyming is weak meal/conceal... that doesn't work for me. This isn't the best chorus I have read... it sort of turns me away from the song with its clichéness (not a word)... that's not something you want to do to your reader.


On the streets you have nothing, you maintain a raw edge
All alone in this world you become who you are
You haven't maintained the same structure from the first verse. If you are going to rhyme there, you should rhyme here to. A solid structure aids flow... but it isn't required. This isn't too bad, you have some good messages in your writing which come through because of the simplicity of your writing. That is not an insult, it is a compliment.

When everything is taken away all that's left is yourself
There's no unclean distractions, no tempting attractions
Internal rhyming in the second line, not too shabs. Not much to say here.
You have your desires and your beliefs, you have your personality
Umm this feels out there. You have 4 lines in the first verse, but 5 in the second? That's just sort of odd... perhaps make it a prechorus? I don't know what you do when you sing this, but it strikes me as being out of place.

Chorus

Breakdown

You can't develop, you can't unwind
A struggle with society, not a quarrel with yourself
I just don't like this part. It is probably personal opinion, but it sounds really... bad. It just doesn't work for me.

Verse 3

Listen to an opinion don't take upon it as fact
Adopt an opinion and you'll face yourself back to back
Good, but I would avoid using opinion twice. And the second line, it feels like there is a word too many, so it doesn't quite flow well. Watch out for that. Other than that, no complaints with this part.

What's right for them isn't right for you
Forget what they say, it's not for them to choose
This is fine, no complaints either.

Outro

Trapped in this home...I'm losing faith in things i used to know
Trapped in this home...I'm losing myself in this same routine
Trapped in this home...Isolated, trapped in this world of lies
Yep, the repetition can be catchy. I think this is a good way to end the song.

Overall 6.5/10. You have some good ideas here, it is mostly structural problems which are holding you back.

[IOWNU200]

alright i think i fixed most of the structure problems, have a look

[IOWNU200]

bump

[Nightvision]

do some crits, and you'll get some crits.

[espf-250htd06]

good flow except the ending seemed a little off maybe you should just say trapped in this home then say the other lines in stead of repeating it idk just a suggestions pretty good looks like you spend some time on it

no suggestion other than that

7.9/10

[IOWNU200]

do some crits, and you'll get some crits.

I believe if you take a look at my record i've done a sufficient ammount of crits to threads posted

[Bexi]

The approach was certainly somethign new. It seems a little like back to basics to escape society, but in a much more slam do it way, which was different-cool!

the in sahpe line seemed a little lame compared to the opening. It had a good flow, it was smooth to read, and afew of the images there although not too taxing gave sharpness and clarity. E .g.

Adopt an idea and you'll face yourself back to back

actually probably my favourite line.

Trapped in this home...I'm losing faith in things i used to know
Trapped in this home...I'm losing myself in this same routine
Trapped in this home...Isolated, trapped in this world of lies

ending well with an emphasis and a sort of no choice to listen.

Good work, IMO.

[packard]

Alright well I just signed up to this forum and this is gonna be my first critique so don't flame me if its not too helpful haha... I figure I better critique someone elses before i post my own lyrics so here goes....


Verse 1

A blessing given surpassed by one you've earned
Make it on your own, there's alot to be learned
To struggle for survival is to be in shape
To live your life using all you can scrape

I like the first verse, good opening, but the last line doesn't seem to flow too well or make sense...

Chorus

I want to leave this home
I want to make it on my own
To fight for my next meal
on the streets where there's nothing to conceal
Your life is a battle, no need to rearrange
Here you are what you are and that will never change

I like this too, but I dunno about the change of person... It seems to go from 1st person to 2nd? Am I just comprehending this wrong?

Verse 2

On the streets you have nothing, you maintain a raw edge
All alone in this world you'll live out a legde
When everything is taken away all that's left is yourself
You have your desires and your beliefs the will to prove yourself

I don't like the rhyming in these lines... The first rhyme just seems awkward and the second rhyme is the same word...

Verse 3

Listen to an opinion don't take upon it as fact
Adopt an idea and you'll face yourself back to back
What's right for them isn't right for you
Forget what they say, it's not for them to choose

I don't have a problem with these. They sound good and I really like the first line, very insightful haah...

Outro

Trapped in this home...I'm losing faith in things i used to know
Trapped in this home...I'm losing myself in this same routine
Trapped in this home...Isolated, trapped in this world of lies
Trapped in this home...Away from truths, where many dreams will die

Seems like a decent outro, though it seems like it might not fit well with the rest of the song, though I suppose it all depends on the music thats going with it...

Anyways that's all I got... Hope I was some help at least...