10.30 - Comment/Crit

[dougefresh]

This silence is scarier than any illegitimate holiday
The absence of feelings
Scream at me as if they’re nooses were tightening
The reverb lingers in the back of my head

Chorus
And I ask this of you
To regurgitate what is left of your love for me
Because I have lost it all
Lost the respect, commend ability

This chaos is diligently eating my heart out
Choking on the emptiness you left
The holes you articulated
The scars yet to be healed

So I’ll dance like no one’s watching
Now that I’m out in the open nothing to hide
You can have the best of me; do with it what you will
Because this tongue-tied awkwardness is too much for me

Chorus

--------------------------------

It's my personal favorite song I've written.. Not sure what you guys will think of it, but I like it more than my other stuff

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

This silence is scarier than any illegitimate holiday
The absence of feelings
Scream at me as if they’re nooses were tightening
The reverb lingers in the back of my head

--um.. what is an illegitimate holidy? and why is it scary? please dont try to create imagery that couldnt possibly exist. "scream at me as if they are nooses were tightening" <--shift in focus, improper grammar, cliched imagery
last line was good :thumb:, maybe replace lingers with echoes, or resounds?

Chorus
And I ask this of you
To regurgitate what is left of your love for me
Because I have lost it all
Lost the respect, commend ability

--regurgitate, reminds me of... vomit, again a shift in focus... and the last line makes no sense. 3rd line is cliched.

This chaos is diligently eating my heart out
Choking on the emptiness you left
The holes you articulated
The scars yet to be healed

--created a much darker mood, didnt even stay on topic from your first stanza... first and second line are terribly overused. the third line, shouldnt have the word articulated in it... you mean "the scars are yet to be healed"

So I’ll dance like no one’s watching
Now that I’m out in the open nothing to hide
You can have the best of me; do with it what you will
Because this tongue-tied awkwardness is too much for me

--um... so you were heartbroken and now youre dancing? way too much of a shift, without even a proper transition... this stanza also throws off your flow, by lengthening the lines a lot

really work on trying to connect your ideas, so that you can present a clear message, stay away from overused lines at all costs, and just try and keep focus

3/10

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

edited

[sexycakes]

Owned!!!

[sexycakes]

Owned!!!

[morrissey]

He was sooo owned, you have to post it twice!!

:rolleyes:

[dougefresh]

This silence is scarier than any illegitimate holiday
The absence of feelings
Scream at me as if they’re nooses were tightening
The reverb lingers in the back of my head

--um.. what is an illegitimate holidy? and why is it scary? please dont try to create imagery that couldnt possibly exist. "scream at me as if they are nooses were tightening" <--shift in focus, improper grammar, cliched imagery
last line was good :thumb:, maybe replace lingers with echoes, or resounds?

An illegitimate holiday is like halloween.. Instead of "they're", I should have typed "their"

Chorus
And I ask this of you
To regurgitate what is left of your love for me
Because I have lost it all
Lost the respect, commend ability

--regurgitate, reminds me of... vomit, again a shift in focus... and the last line makes no sense. 3rd line is cliched.

The last line makes sense. I've lost it all; lost the respect, and commendability

This chaos is diligently eating my heart out
Choking on the emptiness you left
The holes you articulated
The scars yet to be healed

--created a much darker mood, didnt even stay on topic from your first stanza... first and second line are terribly overused. the third line, shouldnt have the word articulated in it... you mean "the scars are yet to be healed"

Why shouldn't it have had "articulated" in it? I don't mean the scars ARE yet to be healed, I meant it's choking on the scars yet to be healed. I think it makes sense

So I’ll dance like no one’s watching
Now that I’m out in the open nothing to hide
You can have the best of me; do with it what you will
Because this tongue-tied awkwardness is too much for me

--um... so you were heartbroken and now youre dancing? way too much of a shift, without even a proper transition... this stanza also throws off your flow, by lengthening the lines a lot

really work on trying to connect your ideas, so that you can present a clear message, stay away from overused lines at all costs, and just try and keep focus

3/10


Thanks for your crits, get back to me on my comments

[sexycakes]

u know, if i was really high, that might have made sense

100th POST!!!!

[PTFROCKS]

i ask you to puke to show you love me......sounds like my first wife

[morrissey]

u know, if i was really high, that might have made sense

100th POST!!!!

I knew you could do it, sexyzza... now for 200... :naughty:

[PTFROCKS]

i puked for her often

[morrissey]

i ask you to puke to show you love me......sounds like my first wife

:lol: ... you're good at this too... we've got more people running around making witty comments than we do posting songs.. :upset:


/AND I LIKE IT :naughty:

[PTFROCKS]

1 post a day leaves much room for wit

[morrissey]

[drum thing] buh dah chhhh

Very true... Hey you reached 50 posts... I think you have more ppd than me :(

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

v. ar·tic·u·lat·ed, ar·tic·u·lat·ing, ar·tic·u·lates (-lt)
v. tr.
To pronounce distinctly and carefully; enunciate.
To utter (a speech sound) by making the necessary movements of the speech organs.
To express in coherent verbal form; give words to: couldn't articulate my fears.
To fit together into a coherent whole; unify: a plan to articulate nursing programs throughout the state.
Anatomy. To unite by forming a joint or joints.
Architecture. To give visible or concrete expression to (the composition of structural elements): a spare design in which windows and doors are barely articulated.


i dont think your heart was articulated, i pointed out they're to show your bad grammar, halloween isnt an illegitimate holiday, its celebrated by almost everyone

il·le·git·i·mate ( P ) Pronunciation Key (l-jt-mt)
adj.
Against the law; illegal.
Born out of wedlock.
Grammar. Not in correct usage.
Incorrectly deduced; illogical.
Biology. Unacceptable as a scientific name because of contradiction to the international rules of nomenclature.

considering it wouldnt be the right word anyway


and no that line doesnt make sense, no matter how many times i read it

[PTFROCKS]

really?? i fell so almighty...i rock..... :thumb:

[sexycakes]

i puked for her often

how does bulimia always find a way into all the threads i comment in? :realizes this is only the second one and feel like he says too much w/out thinking. then goes to bathroom and purges:

[morrissey]

OHhhhhhh SNNNNNNNNAAAAAAPPPP*

I would assume that APS just mad owned you, but I am too lazy to read his post.

/APS is smart... I think...

[morrissey]

how does bulimia always find a way into all the threads i comment in? :realizes this is only the second one and feel like he says too much w/out thinking. then goes to bathroom and purges:


BECAUSE you MAKE EVERYONE WANT TO THROW UP!!!!! duh.


/OH SNAP!!

[PTFROCKS]

[QUOTE=A_Perfect_Sonnet]v. ar·tic·u·lat·ed, ar·tic·u·lat·ing, ar·tic·u·lates (-lt)
v. tr.
To pronounce distinctly and carefully; enunciate.
To utter (a speech sound) by making the necessary movements of the speech organs.
To express in coherent verbal form; give words to: couldn't articulate my fears.
To fit together into a coherent whole; unify: a plan to articulate nursing programs throughout the state.
Anatomy. To unite by forming a joint or joints.
Architecture. To give visible or concrete expression to (the composition of structural elements): a spare design in which windows and doors are barely articulated.



i dont think your heart was articulated, i pointed out they're to show your bad grammar, halloween isnt an illegitimate holiday, its celebrated by almost everyone

il·le·git·i·mate ( P ) Pronunciation Key (l-jt-mt)
adj.
Against the law; illegal.
Born out of wedlock.
Grammar. Not in correct usage.
Incorrectly deduced; illogical.
Biology. Unacceptable as a scientific name because of contradiction to the international rules of nomenclature.

considering it wouldnt be the right word anyway


and no that line doesnt make sense, no matter how many times i read it[/QUOTE
who invited webster??

[morrissey]

really?? i fell so almighty...i rock..... :thumb:


... but I have 70 posts per day in November... not too shabs.

[morrissey]

who invited webster??

Whachu talkin' 'bout, Willis?


/hilarious... next time quote right though :thumb:

[PTFROCKS]

Dammmmmmm

[PTFROCKS]

i know, i know....i started typing right in the middle of the quote and fu***d it all up

[morrissey]

You can edit it

[sexycakes]

BECAUSE you MAKE EVERYONE WANT TO THROW UP!!!!! duh.


/OH SNAP!!

i just got served but ill live
:sexycakes holds his head up high..... and a bird ****s in his face:

..... always when im proud......

[morrissey]

Wow, now sexycake's face is even more shitty than before...


/OH SNAP...

I am too good at this.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

webster is a man with a dictionary like brain that gives me definitions, hence the reason he was invited

[PTFROCKS]

ok..so fu***d up or not...ya'll got the jist....

[morrissey]

webster is a man with a dictionary like brain that gives me definitions, hence the reason he was invited


Webster was short. :amaze:

[PTFROCKS]

gots ta go ppl....it's been fun...later

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Webster was short. :amaze:

like your pen0r!

[sexycakes]

Wow, now sexycake's face is even more shitty than before...


/OH SNAP...

I am too good at this.

nu uh, my face is like ur avatar, which is SEXY :wonders why he is judging the looks of guys and begins to question sexuallity:

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

no u

[morrissey]

nu uh, my face is like ur avatar, which is SEXY :wonders why he is judging the looks of guys and begins to question sexuallity:


Are you actually saying my avatar is SEXY? Because you know, Moz is bi... so he might go for you :naughty:

[morrissey]

like your pen0r!


If that wasn't so unbelievably 'tarded, I might laugh. And you know why it is 'tarded...asshat.

[sexycakes]

Are you actually saying my avatar is SEXY? Because you know, Moz is bi... so he might go for you :naughty:

oooo u sound KEENKAY. :sexycakes feels all warm and flustered when u talk to him and wonders why:

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

okay that settles it, sexycakes is a hijacker in training

Me and Moz - Hijackers for life
Sexycakes - Hijacker In Training
???? - Hijacker In Training Understudy
???? - Honorary Hijacker

ill create the promotion system later

[morrissey]

okay that settles it, sexycakes is a hijacker in training

Me and Moz - Hijackers for life
Sexycakes - Hijacker In Training
???? - Hijacker In Training Understudy
???? - Honorary Hijacker

ill create the promotion system later

I told you, he done good, he done good.

[sexycakes]

okay that settles it, sexycakes is a hijacker in training

Me and Moz - Hijackers for life
Sexycakes - Hijacker In Training
???? - Hijacker In Training Understudy
???? - Honorary Hijacker

ill create the promotion system later

:sexycakes stops questioning sexuallity for a moment to feel happy that he is finally accepted, then goes back to cutting his wrists w/ a paper w/ meaningful poetry on it as to reflect his oppressed life:

thx for the promotion!

[morrissey]

Haha... but you've got a long way to go to become hijacker for life me lad.

I'm sooo emo, I cut both my wrists at the same time!!!


BEAT THAT MOFO!

[sexycakes]

oh yea? im so emo, my girlfriend didnt even break up with me, and I STILL CRY ABOUT IT!

/SERVED

[morrissey]

oh yea? im so emo, my girlfriend didnt even break up with me, and I STILL CRY ABOUT IT!

/SERVED

:lol: :lol: You're too good at this sexy.

I'm so emo... I make up band names and say I like them just to be more underground THAN EVERYONE ELSE!

/doubleserved

/not served at all

[sexycakes]

well im so emo, ive cut my self so much, so that i have to use a drywall saw to feel ANYTHING!

/BIATCH

[morrissey]

I'm so emo that my mom took away my butter knife :upset:


/MOFO

[sexycakes]

im SO emo, im so used to being picked on, that i can even fabricate scenerios to give me song ideas.

/EAT THAT AND LOVE IT!

[morrissey]

Christ, this is getting difficult.

I'm so emo, that I don't want to get into an argument over who is more emo, because that would make me cry, I am so emo.

*cries*

/WINS

[sexycakes]

****, u pwned me

oh well, maybe ill go cut myself, razors dont judge me

[morrissey]

You don't give up, do you sexy?

[sexycakes]

Never Shall I Give Up! Im So ****ing Emo, That Even My Scars Have Scars!!!

[morrissey]

Even my emotional scars have scars, which have emotional scars on them :eek:

[sexycakes]

that one wasnt even fair. but im so emo, that i can cry about girls that DONT EVEN KNOW WHO I AM!!

[dougefresh]

v. ar·tic·u·lat·ed, ar·tic·u·lat·ing, ar·tic·u·lates (-lt)
v. tr.
To pronounce distinctly and carefully; enunciate.
To utter (a speech sound) by making the necessary movements of the speech organs.
To express in coherent verbal form; give words to: couldn't articulate my fears.
To fit together into a coherent whole; unify: a plan to articulate nursing programs throughout the state.
Anatomy. To unite by forming a joint or joints.
Architecture. To give visible or concrete expression to (the composition of structural elements): a spare design in which windows and doors are barely articulated.


i dont think your heart was articulated, i pointed out they're to show your bad grammar, halloween isnt an illegitimate holiday, its celebrated by almost everyone

il·le·git·i·mate ( P ) Pronunciation Key (l-jt-mt)
adj.
Against the law; illegal.
Born out of wedlock.
Grammar. Not in correct usage.
Incorrectly deduced; illogical.
Biology. Unacceptable as a scientific name because of contradiction to the international rules of nomenclature.

considering it wouldnt be the right word anyway


and no that line doesnt make sense, no matter how many times i read it

The holes you articulated.. The holes you made distinctively. :-/ I don't get why it doesn't make sense to you. Maybe I'm stupid

Illegitimate holiday. I'm not saying it's illegal. I'm saying it's illogical

[sexycakes]

way to bump ur thread pal

[dougefresh]

If you don't have anything to contribute, then don't post, you damn noob.

[sexycakes]

:reads above argument w/ morrisy and wonders where the hell u were:

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

To pronounce distinctly does NOT mean to MAKE distinctly

/learn the english language before you try to argue it...

or i could look up the words pronounce and make for you that way you can see the different