something i wrote

[nedab]

here is something i wrote about a year ago and well thought i might as well post it it pretty dark as that was how i felt at the time but now im all happy and may aswell share it (i never did get round to finishing it tho) please crit :D

death to emotion
no feeling
no breathing
and pain is replaced by hate
death to feeling
no guilt
or remorce
and love the only thing i cant take

death to my pain
emotion is useless
dont try and hold me back
kill all my worries
and doubting thoughts
give me freedom from life

[morrissey]

Hey, I feel like I've read this before... :rolleyes:

I feel the same way I felt about it then... clichéd and boring to read. But keep at it, I guess.

EDIT: Perhaps you've improved as a songwriter over the past year, but this strikes me as a very "beginner" piece.

[Kickflip_Burrito]

This is extremely repetitive, 'death to...' and 'no.....' are used way too many times. The song doesn't start to progress or grow until the last few lines either.
I understand that it is unfinished and I've taken that into account. If you're going to use this in the future, this needs quite a lot of work.
At least it wasn't as bad as 'Can You Smell It?'.

Rating : No rating due to unfinished.

[guitarist/songwriter100]

hey those are some good lyrics and it sounds great for the karma it was written from you should really finish it tho.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

^--never wants to see a song he/she wrote

[morrissey]

^--never wants to see a song he/she wrote

see, this is why you are on my list... you can completely insult someone, but it still sounds hilarious :lol: