Punch-Drunk Philosophy

[sparkylp2002]

This is my latest song, so like always tell me what you think and how to make it better. Oh and tell me if you see any typos so i can fix them.

Finally drunk off of
regret now
and I'm sinking even deeper
into my bed

I'm all out of pills
and I can't think straight
Lost in a world with
no clear vision

Chorus: I'm holding myself up so high
on the fragile threads
of this Punch-Drunk Philosophy
with my right state of mind
second guessing my current

The resident saint
is telling me
"Just give it up
It's not worth your time"

chorus

A burnt out candle
my only light
flickering away its last
sense of hope

chorus

[Kickflip_Burrito]

Everything about that song is good except for :

'and I'm sinking even deeper
into my bed'

and

'I'm all out of pills
and I can't think straight'

You have some awesome metaphors in this song but those lines seem a little rushed and don't sound imaginative nor original. However, with the crit out the way, this is a good song and its great to see a song about the topic you've chosen 'depression and being messed up' (I'm guessing) sound so much better than the usual Blink 182-styled rubbish out there. Nice one.

Rating - 8-8.5 out of 10

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Ok here it is.
At first I didnt think the song flowed very well but after reading some more I liked the flow it was going in. Also the words and how you used them were very good. Punch Drunk philosophy makes me think of the adam sandler movie but other than that good job. I mean two fantastic songs in a row. Nice. :thumb:
9/10

[sexycakes]

:sandler jumps in for a guitar solo, but not just any guitar solo, a JEWISH guitar solo (done to the melody of dradel dradel dradel):

[sparkylp2002]

If you crit my song leave a link so i can crit yours.

[Hammer_of_the_Gods]

I liked most of it. Like somebody already said it has a lot of great/deep metaphors.

"second guessing my current"
This seems a little odd to me. Mabey a different word choice or somthing. It just didn't seem to fit.

"A burnt out candle
my only light
flickering away its last
sense of hope"
This is my favorite part. Great outro verse. Love it!

[IOWNU200]

First of all i thought this was great, some good metaphors. the only tihng i would consider changing would be the "sinking deeper into my bed" line and i would reword the "second guessing my current" line it seems unclear. But overall, well done

[thirdeyeblindislit]

So when are you gonna go for #3 there buddy?

[morrissey]

sparky: You are a good writer. Just thought I'd get that out of my system.

Finally drunk off of
regret now
and I'm sinking even deeper
into my bed
Not too shabs... it sort of simple, but it gets the point across well. I like the "imagery" or idea of being drunk off regret.. that's interesting. The second half, not too bad, simple but effective.

I'm all out of pills
and I can't think straight
Lost in a world with
no clear vision
All out of pills --> now you are talking about drug use. Unless you are regretting taking the pills, therefore drunk and high? That would be interesting imagery, but I don't exactly see you conveying that. The rest of the stanza is rather plain, I think you can do much better than that.

Chorus: I'm holding myself up so high
on the fragile threads
Excellence abound. If you are indeed talking about drugs, then the addition of 'high' is, while not subtle, interesting. The next line shows you how much imagery simple words can add. Threads are already seen as thin, and by adding fragile, you are conveying this incredible weakness etc. Excellent work.
of this Punch-Drunk Philosophy
with my right state of mind
This just sounds really cool. I agree, it reminds me of the Adam Sandler movie. But it sound really cool.
second guessing my current
This isn't worded well. Do you mean 'my current PHILOSOPHY?' I had to read it a couple times to even see that option, so you may want to re-word that.

The resident saint
is telling me
"Just give it up
It's not worth your time"
This isn't too shabs either. 'Resident saint'... the best I could come up with is that you are in a hospital, and the interns or whatever are sometimes called resident interns? Something like that, that would definitely be some interesting imagery. Otherwise it is heaven.. but I don't really see that.

chorus

A burnt out candle
my only light
flickering away its last
sense of hope
Excellent. No complaints here, you do this well.

chorus

Imagery-wise, I'm not always sure what you are talking about. And though your writing is, for the most part, rather simple, your simplicity and directness makes your songs accessible. But there is also enough imagery here to satisfy those who require it. I like this song over all, I don't see anyhting major that needs to be fixed.

Overall 8.5/10

[thirdeyeblindislit]

[QUOTE=morrissey]sparkly: You are a good writer. Just thought I'd get that out of my system.

I dont want to sound like a jerk because you are fantastic morrissey, but isnt his name sparky? :thumb:

[morrissey]

Possibly, but I am dyslexic ;).... sparkly sounds cool anyways, doesn't it? Its good that we've got some bonafide homosexuals wandering around here, eh?

/edits post

[sexycakes]

Possibly, but I am dyslexic ;).... sparkly sounds cool anyways, doesn't it? Its good that we've got some bonafide homosexuals wandering around here, eh?

/edits post

who would that be? :looks at flamingly homo name, sexycakes, and cries:

[morrissey]

haha no, I was referring to "sparkly" which is pretty homosexual... but you definitely top the list.

*decides to watch this one too*

[PTFROCKS]

it's not "sparkly"....it's sparkyl....kinda like jackyl....i think.....only gayer

[sexycakes]

it's not "sparkly"....it's sparkyl....kinda like jackyl....i think.....only gayer

that name definatly adds a little "spice" to the person. its like hot and spicy.

posting++ :thumb:

[morrissey]

it's not "sparkly"....it's sparkyl....kinda like jackyl....i think.....only gayer

:lol:

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Finally drunk off of
regret now
and I'm sinking even deeper
into my bed

--ooo, almost got a cursive vibe of this verse, and i love cursive, although it feels like you cut the flow by making these lines to short. maybe expand a bit, or at least type some more, cause i like where its going. talk about the room, talk about your feelings, anything! i just wanna read more

I'm all out of pills
and I can't think straight
Lost in a world with
no clear vision

--well, the first two lines were great, you really stuck with the style... the second two just felt too open ended, like you werent stick with your situation... i guess the word "world" just threw me off. not a bad stanza, but maybe try and stay more focused on a situation or something, rather than a wordly image.

Chorus: I'm holding myself up so high
on the fragile threads
of this Punch-Drunk Philosophy
with my right state of mind
second guessing my current

--i dont know about you, but that thread line is cliched, but never gets old... i just love it. the rest was pretty cool too, though i might reword that last line, maybe add philosophies to the end? i dont think the repetition would hurt you there.

The resident saint
is telling me
"Just give it up
It's not worth your time"

--change the quote, or expand, cause it feels like its too cliched and not enough is happening right now. try and put something in to make me keep attention, cause i really like what you have so far

chorus

A burnt out candle
my only light
flickering away its last
sense of hope

--this feels way off tempo, in your flow and meter... just sort of didnt tie the whole song up... least favorite verse

chorus

this song has great potential... try and stick to your topic without seeming too cliched. expand on your lines a little bit, and maybe change some of those worn out lines

7/10

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Possibly, but I am dyslexic ;).... sparkly sounds cool anyways, doesn't it? Its good that we've got some bonafide homosexuals wandering around here, eh?

/edits post


:lol: Didnt mean to offend you.

(bows to the greatness of morrissey.) :thumb:

[sparkylp2002]

I feel like bumping this.

[mshort813]

Some parts were really good but other parts need a lot of fixing. Like APS said, the first verse had a Cursive vibe which is ****ing awesome. Tim Kasher is an amazing writer and if you can pull off his style, I love you. <3 I've always try to write like him and fail miserably.
Finally drunk off of
regret now
and I'm sinking even deeper
into my bed
As APS said, it had the Cursive vibe going for it, and also just expand on this. Write about anything. You had a very great verse and then it just stopped, so write more. Just use details about the room or anything else that will fit with this.
I'm all out of pills
and I can't think straight
Lost in a world with
no clear vision
The first two lines I liked, but then the second two lost me. The flow was pretty good, but the third and fourth lines were just split up awkwardly. I'm not sure why you did that unless you have music for it.
The resident saint
is telling me
"Just give it up
It's not worth your time"
Again, you have to expand on this. This was my least favorite verse just becasue it seems so blunt and short and there is no imagery or content besides the resident saint. The quote didn't seem to be anything too important so it just sounded weird I guess.
A burnt out candle
my only light
flickering away its last
sense of hope
Hmm, I think you need soem rhyming in the last line. This wasnt a very strong closing to this song and when I read it, it just seems natural to have a rhyme in the last line of the song for this.

Well, I hoped this crit helped you somewhat. This song has a great potential, but it needs fixing up for it to be better. 7.3/10

Can you crit this if you get to it:

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=269963

Thanks.

[mshort813]

You joined so long ago, do you hang out in S&L a lot?

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

mmmm, i wish i had some chili right now

/hijacking attempt

[mshort813]

mmmm, i wish i had some chili right now

/hijacking attempt

Get some.

[sparkylp2002]

You joined so long ago, do you hang out in S&L a lot?

Yeah I hang out in here a lot, but i really just started contributing a lot. I'll crit your song once i get back home, im visiting family for thanksgiving.

[mshort813]

Yeah I hang out in here a lot, but i really just started contributing a lot. I'll crit your song once i get back home, im visiting family for thanksgiving.

Okay, sounds good. thanks.

[morrissey]

:lol: Didnt mean to offend you.

(bows to the greatness of morrissey.) :thumb:


Haha you didn't offend me, with the homosexuals thing I was referring to "sparky's" name, not you. But if it makes you bow down to me, then I'll take it, sure! :thumb:

[the_uber_penguin]

I am always amazed at Sparky's lyrics.

Do you mind if I plagarise the words "So beautiful and out of tune" from a song you called Turning In Your Grave?

Please?

[morrissey]

I am always amazed at Sparky's lyrics.

Do you mind if I plagarise the words "So beautiful and out of tune" from a song you called Turning In Your Grave?

Please?

rep ++ for that comment :lol:

I love how you ask to plagarise, but so politely :thumb:

[sparkylp2002]

I am always amazed at Sparky's lyrics.

Do you mind if I plagarise the words "So beautiful and out of tune" from a song you called Turning In Your Grave?

Please?

just dont go make money off my stuff or else i will hunt you down. Joking

[sexycakes]

mmmm, i wish i had some chili right now

/hijacking attempt

i'll second that attempt. CHILI EFFING OWNS. :sexy looks at his empty stomach and cries, just cries:

/im POOR

[Nightvision]

Finally drunk off of
regret now
and I'm sinking even deeper
into my bed

A nice, semi-mournful start. It's not depressing, but it's downbeat. A good stanza to start with.

I'm all out of pills
and I can't think straight
Lost in a world with
no clear vision

ergh, not so good - this felt a little cliched. It wasn't cheese-o-rama, I have to admit, but it wasn't great.

I'm holding myself up so high
on the fragile threads
of this Punch-Drunk Philosophy
with my right state of mind
second guessing my current

This is good - you're a deceptively clever writer - your songs have much more in them than face value would suggest. Also, this chorus had a very 'Matt Skiba' feel to it. Which is not a bad thing.

The resident saint
is telling me
"Just give it up
It's not worth your time"

Once again, I'm seeing Alkaline Trio influences here, but not so heavy that they're taking away from your own unique style - it's a tough thing to do, be influenced without plagarising, so well done for getting it right.

A burnt out candle
my only light
flickering away its last
sense of hope

A strong finish to complement a strong start. The hopelessness of the character becomes most apparent with the candle metaphor, so nice work on that.

Overall:
This is good. You're certainly a writer I enjoy critting, because your songs are accessible. You can read that to someone and they're not going to scratch their head until the sparks fly. You need to beware of getting a bit cliche in places, though - other than that, good stuff - keep it up.

7.9/10

[theredwonder]

Finally drunk off of
regret now
and I'm sinking even deeper
into my bed

hmm. not a bad start. you don't need of in there. it sounds awful, and it doesnt seem to be compulsory for helping the flow. nothing really jumps out and gives you a slap round the chops though.

I'm all out of pills
and I can't think straight
Lost in a world with
no clear vision

nooo. what are you doing man!? this isn't nice. this has NO originality. it could be wrote by anyone about practically anything. remove it please.

I'm holding myself up so high
on the fragile threads
of this Punch-Drunk Philosophy
with my right state of mind
second guessing my current

nice chorus. the fragile threads has been a little overused, but i think you've got away with it here. this is my favourite stanza so far.

The resident saint
is telling me
"Just give it up
It's not worth your time"

i like this. the first line is simple but effective. i havent seen it used before, although i think i should have. nice.

A burnt out candle
my only light
flickering away its last
sense of hope

bark. again pretty sweet. nothing incredibly special. but i like it.

im stupidly tired and feeling very lethargic at the moment, so this has been a **** crit. sorry. but i'll give you a 7.5/10. its difficult for me to type... :smoke:

[sparkylp2002]

I'll give this one final bump before i let it die.

[DoubtingVada]

I'm so sorry that I took so long to crit you back, but I had no computer for a while :( I'll try to make it a good one.


Finally drunk off of
regret now
and I'm sinking even deeper
into my bed

This sort of reads more like a poem than a song, but it's not bad. A little cliché, maybe, but totally relatable.


I'm all out of pills
and I can't think straight
Lost in a world with
no clear vision

I don't like the last two lines because they don't really make sense to me. It's still a little cliché, you could try to work in some more description or unique views on this subject.


I'm holding myself up so high
on the fragile threads
of this Punch-Drunk Philosophy
with my right state of mind
second guessing my current

The last line seems a little clipped, your current what?
Other than that it's pretty consistant.


The resident saint
is telling me
"Just give it up
It's not worth your time"

I like the first line, it stands out.


A burnt out candle
my only light
flickering away its last
sense of hope

Nothing is jumping out at me ....

Overall the writing isn't bad, just a little bland. Try to write things in a way that isn't heard of so much, and it will make it that much more interesting to read :)

Keep it up 7/10