Haunted by Passion

[drummergirl353535]

edit: ok then, fine. If everyone is going to be a jerk about my poem then im just going to get rid of it, buch of ****in perves......

[Kickflip_Burrito]

/pops a boner

:lol: Just kidding. Thats really cool, you've set the scene and emotion in that really well. The only crit I have for it is, can it be made into a song? As a poem its fantastic but as a song, you've got a different task on your hands. Maybe a few metaphors thrown in there would give it a bit more pizazz.

Rating - 8 out of 10

[drummergirl353535]

hahaha thanks

[feedthegods666]

mad mad awesome my dear drumming friend as i have said before

[drummergirl353535]

thank you dudeness :thumb:

[sexycakes]

this is like barry white, except in alot more detail. maybe u should become a jazz or blues artist,and then like make money or somthing. hot poem tho

[morrissey]

I had to crit this... sorry.

Have you ever seen a Maroon 5 video? When the lead singer is sexing up every girl in the world? and its really creepy? that's what this song reminds me of.

Just kind of .... creepy. Not in a good way, either. You know when people sing about sex, but they aren't good enough writers to mask it? Well, writing our passionate love making still lives on in my mind ... that's what this reminds me of. In this case, direct isn't good, direct is weird... and needs to be avoided.

I don't have a problem with sexual songs.. .but this is... just... not... good. Plus it doesn't pull of the topic in a good way... it almost feels like it was written by a virgin :eek:... which is weird.

I don't know what else to say.

Cool avatar though?

1/10 for... the avatar.

[drummergirl353535]

well i wrote this a few days ago, when i was up in my room missing my boyfriend. He lives in a different country then me so i miss him often, and i was thinking about the first time me and him ummm... well you know, and i just picked up a pen and started writing, i posted this poem on another site too, and everyone who posted on it loved it, i was afraid it was going to be too pervertive, but then a friend of mine came across this point "its only pervertive to the perverts of the world, you can clearly tell this is a poem from the heart, of the heart, for the heart" so there ya go :p i didnt write this as like a song telling about what sex is like, its really just a poem about what i was feeling and thinking about a few days ago.

[PTFROCKS]

touching....like i say...sleeze rock rules

[sexycakes]

well i wrote this a few days ago, when i was up in my room missing my boyfriend. He lives in a different country then me so i miss him often, and i was thinking about the first time me and him ummm... well you know, and i just picked up a pen and started writing, i posted this poem on another site too, and everyone who posted on it loved it, i was afraid it was going to be too pervertive, but then a friend of mine came across this point "its only pervertive to the perverts of the world, you can clearly tell this is a poem from the heart, of the heart, for the heart" so there ya go :p i didnt write this as like a song telling about what sex is like, its really just a poem about what i was feeling and thinking about a few days ago.

he's in another country, and ur still dating his ***?

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

unfortunately, a majority of people in the world that arent perverts, are idiots...

this song was way too descriptive, and i dont want to hear some girl telling me about how she bangs her boyfriend (this is coming from a guy). you just need to know where the line between poetry and erotica is, songs arent supposed to be like this.

.25/10, cause mozz has the right idea, except i dont like gumby

[PTFROCKS]

he's in another country, and ur still dating his ***?

angry white boy make valid point.... :thumb:

[morrissey]

unfortunately, a majority of people in the world that arent perverts, are idiots...

this song was way too descriptive, and i dont want to hear some girl telling me about how she bangs her boyfriend (this is coming from a guy). you just need to know where the line between poetry and erotica is, songs arent supposed to be like this.

.25/10, cause mozz has the right idea, except i dont like gumby

Oh, APS, you're a bum. But you're still hilarious, and I still <3 you. :naughty:

[drummergirl353535]

happy now people, i just got rid of my poem so everyone can shut the **** up now! and yes im still dating him even though he lives in another country, cause we are in love dumbasses!

[morrissey]

Drummergirl: Sorry, we were just kidding around. I honestly didn't like your poem, I can't vouch for the other people's comments. Maybe it's because your wording was very ..*ahem* forward, or something. But don't take offense, comments should always be about the song and not the writer... if they cross the line, and are making you uncomfortable, please state it, and we will stop. I wouldn't mind if you posted the song back up, and allowed others to read it. Don't let asses like us ruin your day... :upset:

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

happy now people, i just got rid of my poem so everyone can shut the **** up now! and yes im still dating him even though he lives in another country, cause we are in love dumbasses!

you are a quitter, we dont like quitters here

[Kickflip_Burrito]

happy now people, i just got rid of my poem so everyone can shut the **** up now! and yes im still dating him even though he lives in another country, cause we are in love dumbasses!

How old are you and when did you meet him?

[morrissey]

you are a quitter, we dont like quitters here

asshat. But don't quit, drummergirl.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

shes just being stupid because nobody likes her song about how she has sex with him.

/self-restraint

[drummergirl353535]

Drummergirl: Sorry, we were just kidding around. I honestly didn't like your poem, I can't vouch for the other people's comments. Maybe it's because your wording was very ..*ahem* forward, or something. But don't take offense, comments should always be about the song and not the writer... if they cross the line, and are making you uncomfortable, please state it, and we will stop. I wouldn't mind if you posted the song back up, and allowed others to read it. Don't let asses like us ruin your day... :upset:

if everyone is going to be a jerk about my poem, then no im not going to re post it, my days been terrible enough as it is, this was the worst thanksgiving i ever had, and i dont need a bunch of people i dont even know making me feel terrible about myself on a holiday, so no im not going to re post my poem.

[morrissey]

if everyone is going to be a jerk about my poem, then no im not going to re post it, my days been terrible enough as it is, this was the worst thanksgiving i ever had, and i dont need a bunch of people i dont even know making me feel terrible about myself on a holiday, so no im not going to re post my poem.

Ok, I understand that. But remember, you shouldn't feel terrible about the comments. They refer to the song... you can always write better songs.

And remember, no matter how much we don't fancy your songs, the only thing that matters is that you like it.. but if you are going to be like this in the future, don't expect any in-depth critiques from me, because as APS said, we don't like quitters here.:wave:

[sexycakes]

if everyone is going to be a jerk about my poem, then no im not going to re post it, my days been terrible enough as it is, this was the worst thanksgiving i ever had, and i dont need a bunch of people i dont even know making me feel terrible about myself on a holiday, so no im not going to re post my poem.

well, now that ur having a bad day write another song and it might come out decent. dont post a ****ing song on a board if ur going to get mad when people dont like it.

[drummergirl353535]

well im just having an extremely bad day today and i dont want to have to put up with a bunch of jerks. I achuly like my poem, and so does my boyfriend, so everyone else can just **** off, if u dont like it then fine, now u dont have to look at it.

[Kickflip_Burrito]

No-one has been seriously acting like jerks though. All thats there is crit from Morissey and APC, nothing abusive or píss-taking?

[sexycakes]

dont post here if ur gonna bitch at poeple when they dont like ur stuff. if u dont want brutal honesty, and ur balls (metaphorical balls) ripped off in the process, then YOU ma'am can **** off.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Drummergirl - "WHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

if you want someone to tell you how much they like your poems, show em to your mom

[drummergirl353535]

that might give my mom a heart atack, she doesnt know im not a virgin.

[morrissey]

Christ... how old are you?

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

shes 11, 12 soon

[morrissey]

burn...

this is probably why she thinks your a jerk APS

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

remember who got most heartless?

/me

[drummergirl353535]

im 15 dude

[morrissey]

...15's a little young, but I suppose alot of people have sex at that age... how old is your boyfriend?

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

sniff sniff :cry:

/she grew up so fast

[drummergirl353535]

my boyfriend is 17

[sexycakes]

and along with ur question, moz. How many times a week do u go to hot topic?

[morrissey]

boom. You guys actually are jerks :(

[drummergirl353535]

do i go? not alot, i cant get a ride to the mall, i havent been there in a few monthes.

[morrissey]

We don't have Hot Topic here in Canada. What is it?

[sexycakes]

so u cant drive, and ur already ****in? sure gettin an early start dont u think? you know ur young when u use the fisher price condoms

[sexycakes]

We don't have Hot Topic here in Canada. What is it?

its a store that sells goth clothes, and all the faggy goths think theyre all hardcore for shopping there, like theyre breaking away, when its really owned by gap. and if they dont have a gap, gap sells really trendy preppy type clothes.

[drummergirl353535]

We don't have Hot Topic here in Canada. What is it?

its like a goth\punk\metal store.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

its like a "i like things no one else does, so i buy things that make me look stupid" store

[morrissey]

oh wow...and its owned by Gap? Crazy.

[morrissey]

I love your three different descriptions of it :thumb:

[drummergirl353535]

whoa, its owned by gap, i didnt know that.

[sexycakes]

yea it is, ****ing conformist and ur boots that cost 80 dollars and bondage pants

[drummergirl353535]

i dont wear boots or bondage pants dude.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

okay... here i go

CRAZY COOL, DAH NUH NUH NUH DAH DUN DAH NUH NUH NUH DAH DUN!

/GAP sucks

[drummergirl353535]

could someone please close this thread now? its getting stupid and personal.

[morrissey]

I own a Gap scarf. I got it for Christmas. And it is red.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

no its definately not, youre just overreacting

[morrissey]

no its definately not, youre just overreacting

They are just joking around... but if you really want the thread to be closed, I can ask a mod.

[drummergirl353535]

well A. everyone i have a feeling is gona start harassing me for being goth, and B. everyone is making such a big deal out of my age, when i know someone who lost his virginity at age 12!

[sexycakes]

was that ur last boyfriend?

[morrissey]

A. I don't care if you are a goth, I'm not... WHO CARES?

B. I think there is at least one person in this conversation who is younger than you *cough* sexy *cough*.

[morrissey]

was that ur last boyfriend?

Boom. that was funny, sorry drummergirl.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

thats just sick, 12 year olds shouldnt be having sex for several reasons:

1. they arent emotional mature enough: a 12 year old doesnt know what love is, let alone what he sees on tv, he couldnt possible handle the amount of emotion that comes with having sex

2. responsibility: A TWELVE YEAR OLD HAVING A KID? seriously, they arent even able to buy clothes by themselves, let alone take care of a child

im not even gonna go further

[drummergirl353535]

was that ur last boyfriend?

no it was some jerk i used to know from school

[morrissey]

I would never have had sex when I was 12, absolutely no way. Not when I was 15 either, but I know a few people who did, so... meh.

[sexycakes]

then u go up to him and tell him that sexy says hello and admires his courage. but looks down upon his jerkiness

[drummergirl353535]

i cant take this anymore, someone please have a mod close this thread.

[morrissey]

are you sure? I will if you really want me to :(.

[drummergirl353535]

yes please just get someone to close it

[morrissey]

done. As soon as they see the message, they will come check this thread out.

[sexycakes]

then u can call pablo, and write some more songs for him. and then u can both be happy that u get to see eachother over the summer, but remain in celibacy the rest of the year.

btw pablo isnt being faithful cause im ****in him as we speak!!