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The Næsebor
11-24-2004, 02:25 PM
I wrote this poem for English class a little while ago. It's supposed to be about a season, and I chose winter. I'm very proud of this poem, but it still seems a bit off. Hopefully you guy can help me make it perfect. :thumb:
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White Beauty

No birds are spotted in these naked, gnarled branches
The silence is almost deafening
The bright morning sun streams through the open window
I refuse its welcoming rays

The enticing beams dance across my walls like gypsies
I become intrigued by their grace
My bare feet fall to the ground slowly, bracing for cold
Warm vents pour love though these walls

I am embraced by layer upon layer of endless cloth
Wrapped tight, prepared for a new day
I enter a world unlike any I have experienced before
The once hard ground has a soft touch

I feel no pain as I let myself wander unchecked
Protected by nature’s white beauty
There is an outburst of noise felt in these harsh winds
But also a certain calmness

The snow pinpricks my cheeks like needles on a forest floor
Swirling around in the shadows’ wake
I don’t hold back, I will never awaken from this dream
The streetlights scolding me otherwise

I fly spread-eagled into a wall of soft cushions
My puffy, red face still bears a smile
This quaint wonderland is disturbed by an outside noise
Defeated, I heed its demands

Once again held tight by a sanctuary I know
This time the sun is sinking away
The last rays of orange ribbon shout out a goodbye
As a cold winter night seeps in

But I am not quite ready to relinquish my wonderland
I am positive in my return
I will do all it takes to return to this heaven again
Even if it must be in my dreams

As the streetlights sing yellow to the subzero streets
I drift into a fitful sleep
My eyelids project images of a white wonderland
Protected by nature’s white beauty

The Næsebor
11-24-2004, 03:34 PM
BA - DA - BUMP!

morrissey
11-24-2004, 03:41 PM
I will crit this later

ChickenSalad
11-28-2004, 10:19 AM
I like this, very easy to read, flows easy.

As the streetlights sing yellow to the subzero streets
I drift into a fitful sleep
My eyelids project images of a white wonderland
Protected by nature’s white beauty


Good closing stanza/verse but it ends a little too abruptly.

I like this though, very nice. 8.5/10

Hadji
11-28-2004, 10:23 AM
10/10. I loved it. It's pointless for me to do a stanza-by-stanza critique because I would just end up saying that each stanza is flawless.