Warmth

[UnderDawg]

The relentless rain caresses me
And the damp air clutches me tight
So cold but yet still pleasant
I’m blissful of my own accord

Yet, a warm fire glows in the distance
And draws me close to embrace
I resist, struggle within myself
Pulling away from the unfamiliar

My cloak is immersed in water
My sandals full of cavities and
My feet grow so bizarrely numb
But I feel so content in the downpour

I’ve grown accustomed to the dankness
It’s almost like a part of me
But still I crave for something beyond
The stormy clouds I have come to know

I progress closer to this new incarnation
And begin to feel the gentleness of
The flames embers stroking my face
And a new sensation overtakes me

I’m breathing in a new awareness
Oh how it touches my very core
The dankness now long forgotten
And my cloak now seemingly unsullied

At journey’s end it seems that I
Have found a place to sit and rest
Between the heat and cinders
That now keep me alive

[SixStringKing]

wow, this is probably one of most well thought out songs ive seen, but i believe it would sound better with at least a semi rhyme sceme if your putting this to music.
it would help the flow more but as a spoken word poem i love this. great job
10/10 for poem
8/10 for song
GREAT JOB I LOVE IT

[UnderDawg]

Yeet thanks. And it's not really meant to be a song, just poetry.

[UnderDawg]

Anymore?

[morrissey]

I really like this one... I am a fan of rain, so some of the parts really "spoke" to me. A couple weak parts, but they are very minor:

My sandals full of cavities and
Just personal, I don't really like this part. Do you really need to say cavities? there are other ways of expressing that you have holes in your shoes etc., it just doesn't sound right to me.

The flames embers stroking my face
Just a bit confused here, is it flames and embers, or flames' embers... just a grammar problem, but it confuses me a little.

Everything else, very good. I like this song :)

Overall 8/10

[TheOpeningAct101]

great imagery, great poem 9/10

[UnderDawg]

Any others?

[UnderDawg]

Anyone?

[UnderDawg]

Anyone at all wanna go at it?

[Magicaltroll]

it was ****in sweet dude it was really thought out and i loved it
9.5/10

[UnderDawg]

Yay I feel so loved. Anymore?

[drumass04]

fantastic 9.5/10

[UnderDawg]

Yay another one. Anymore?

[UnderDawg]

Hello?

[UnderDawg]

Someone please crit?

BTW-I've got -217 reputation points because I mentioned something about a famous drummer's technique in the Drum forums, and a few people didn't like what I had to say about it. Isn't that awesome? Just goes to show you how "The System" has even made its way into these forums...

[BlastFunk03]

reminds me of AFI, would be good to a slow rolling guitar riff

[morrissey]

BTW, you are the most shameless bumper I have ever met. :LOL:

In other news, that sucks about the drum thing. I am afraid of that, but I realized that I will never get enough rep point (I only have 60) so I've already given up...

[UnderDawg]

Yes, I bump chronically, it's a little problem I have but have no intention of fixing it...heh heh