Beligerized

[Vaelroth]

Beligerized

I can’t stand to – Make it fit
You don’t need to – Believe in me
Forgot to personalize – The invitation
Come one come all – Won’t you fight me?

I can’t stand to – Watch you move
I can’t bear to – Hear you lie
Don’t you worry – About tomorrow?
Why don’t you – Ask yourself why?

I can’t find a way – To make a decision
I can’t work it out – To make a solution
I can’t follow you – To the depths of Hell
I can’t depend on you – To betray me!

Why don’t you – Open up
Why can’t you – Find away
What are you afraid of?
What is it – Your insecurity?

Don’t go running
You can’t get far
You’ll get caught
Before you fall

Is there a part of me-
You can’t believe?
Why do you want to-
Make an a sshole of me?

--------------------------------------------------

Kindof an angsty rant thing. I wrote this on the plane a few months ago while listening to Hatebreed. Tear it apart, make me weep, do whatever. I just want to see what you all think. (No mindless, "You rock!" comments please. I have a big enough ego as it is.)

[Burningwater]

You rock!!!
haha...
jk

I can’t stand to – Make it fit
You don’t need to – Believe in me
Forgot to personalize – The invitation
Come one come all – Won’t you fight me?
\\--The way you wrote this part, you shouldn't use me at the end of the 2nd and 4th line, it sounds ugly. "Come one come all" makes me think of a circus I'm not sure if you want to keep that.--//

I can’t stand to – Watch you move
I can’t bear to – Hear you lie
Don’t you worry – About tomorrow?
Why don’t you – Ask yourself why?
\\--I'm not sure too how the last two lines fit into the rest of the song, they don't seem to relate much to anything--//

I can’t find a way – To make a decision
I can’t work it out – To make a solution
I can’t follow you – To the depths of Hell
I can’t depend on you – To betray me!
\\--The last line seems to showing a redeeming quality to the person you are angry at. You don't want to do this with the steady angry path you've been on--//

Why don’t you – Open up
Why can’t you – Find away
What are you afraid of?
What is it – Your insecurity?
\\--Only suggestion is don't use "find a way" again.--//

Don’t go running
You can’t get far
You’ll get caught
Before you fall
\\--Nothing to change here--//

Is there a part of me?
You can’t believe
Why do you want to-
Make an a sshole of me?
\\--The question mark at the end of the first line makes the question seem kind of random, if it were structured more like so:
Is there a part of me-
You can't believe?
Why do you want to-
Make an a sshole out of me?
it would work better. Asking why the person wants to make an ******* out of you is contradicting the first stanza where it appears that you are picking the fight for stupid reasons--//

Ahhh...first in depth critique, I hope you have fun with that. I guess it would go well with hard metal, it's not intellectual in any way that I can see.
Personal thought: I don't like direct pieces like this most of the time. You might try spicing it up with metaphor and imagery to really invoke the reader/listener's sense of emotion to convey your message of anger.

Critique my Void of Fear. Tear it apart, I wanna see mine looking like swiss cheese after you're done with it.

Wow, the critique was longer than the poem itself...

[Vaelroth]

Alright, well basically the lyrics are written as a definition of the word "belligerent". If you look at the dictionary definition, the implication is that whoever is being described as belligerent doesn't have a reason for fighting. They simply want to pick a fight, or that they are picking a fight for stupid reasons. The reversal of blame is what I was looking for in the last stanza, its just the way that someone would defend themselves if brought to a court over the fight. "I didn't start the fight sir, this man provoked me." sort of concept. The same concept is true for the third and fourth stanzas where "find a way" is repeated, the subject is just reversed.

Fixing the punctuation of the last stanza is pretty simple, just a mistake from typing it.

[Burningwater]

Ok, it makes sense to me now, but I probably would have repeated the 3rd stanza as the 4th one only changed the perspective so that it is clear when you are changing perspective.

[morrissey]

The lyrics aren't terrible, but I just don't like the form of the song/poem - it didn't appeal to my eyes on the first glance. Reading it through, I don't like how your phrasing is so "jagged", just not my style.

But lyrically, it's pretty simplistic and direct, nothing much there.

So, just personal opinion, but I don't really like it.

Overall 5/10

[Vaelroth]

Thanks for the critique. I don't intend for things to be aesthetic when read however, but its your opinion so you're entitled to keep it.