The Poisoning of the Atmosphere, crit ill crit back

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Ben Stivers
11/14/04

The Poisoning of the Atmosphere

Crack a window,
There's gotta be something better than suffocating.
Your voice seems faint,
Muffled by the wind and scattered across the sky.

So these lungs weren't meant to breathe?
Then tell me, what did you mean them to do?
They'll scream,
They'll scream for you.

Crack a window,
There's nothing better than inhaling.
Tainted fresh air,
Poisoned by the broken and skewed across setting skies.

So these lungs weren't meant to breathe?
Then tell me, what did you mean them to do?
They'll scream,
They'll scream for you.

Your problems,
They'll go away.
They'll slowly fade.
Our problems,
They'll go away.
But never fade...

So these lungs weren't meant to breathe?
Then tell me, what did you mean them to do?
They'll scream,
They'll scream for you.

So these lungs weren't meant to breathe?
Then tell me, what did you mean them to do?
They'll scream,
They'll scream.

Crack a window,
There's nothing better than suffocating.
On tainted air,
Poisoned by the broken, and scattered across setting skies.

[TheBlackAcidChildren]

The only problem I have with this is that you mis-spelled "suffocating". It's got that feel to it that great material has - the metaphors and imagery in it are superb.
Excellent song.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

a bump

[SixStringKing]

good song....i normally wouldnt like a song like this but i really like this one, i really like the chorus and the flow....i feel i knew exacty how you wanted it good job....
9/10
crit my anti anti religion song if you could

[morrissey]

my opinion: this seems to be an "anti-suicide" song, like when you try to poison yourself in a car, you are saying "crack the window", don't die etc.... that is what I get from the song, uh ya.

Lyrically I like it, I find that I like most of the songs you write, so this is just following suit. Nothing to complain about, I like the topic (if I got it right), it flows well etc.

Overall 8.5/10

[morrissey]

Just re-read your post, you change it up on the last verse, so maybe you are saying that you won't do it, and in the end you do? That's a nice twist, I didn't even notice it the first few times through - I am getting tired.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

whoa, you are clever morrissey, i just wrote the thing with no clear message and it turned out to be a suicide song... sexy. although it doesnt even seem dark you know? thats cool.

/i love my subconscious

[morrissey]

haha, yes I am a genius, aren't I?

Whatever, I am always miles of in meanings, this one seems to make sense... Freud will love you :D

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

he didnt come over to my poker game last night, so i dont really like him all that much, the jerk

[morrissey]

that's probably because me, him, Jung and Pavlov were cruising the town last night... but he is an ***

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

it was cool because i got pavlovs dogs to pose like that one painting of the dogs playing poker, but he didnt come over either

[morrissey]

:lol:... try philosophers next time, they're more reliable than psychologists

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

yeah, but theyre all dead... Plato haunted me last night, i was like "maybe later man", so he left

[morrissey]

Right, and Freud's quite a lively fellow, isnt he?

Bah, John Stuart Mill is my bestest friend... we saw bridget jones last night, but of course he had to keep analysing it's philosophical value... will not do that again

[morrissey]

in case you are wondering, yes, I do ruin everything, including jokes that could have ended 5 posts ago :D

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

actually i dug up freuds grave and made his skeleton into a puppet which i then named Skeletor... all for the kicks

/is wayyyyy done with this joke

[morrissey]

just to be a follower, I too am wayyyy done... good song though :)

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

might i get 1 more crit perhaps? sirs?

[espf-250htd06]

pretty good i dont like how it repeats the same verse so much but that could be worked out of you made the song right pretty good overall

i liked the imagery of bad air and suffacating in a room kinda cool

8/10

check out my song reason cant explain not my usual style but tell me what you think