Blue Devils (Concept Song, Please Crit)

[Cipher Hour]

Like my last song I submitted this piece isn't intended for my metal band. I decided I'd try my hand at writing a song that had an actual story to it (inspired mostly by Dream Theater's concept album). The phrasing is weird once again because that's how I like to write this kind of stuff. Any crits would be greatly appreciated (and if you leave a link to your work then I'll crit you back).

Blue Devils
By: Cipher Hour

[Spoken Narration]
Our story begins here, in the open land of the mid west where 23 year old Jonathon Marks sets off for his usual spot at the local pub. This is the same spot where Jonathon met Caroline…a minor of only 17 who frequently sneaks out to “have a good time”. Jonathon and Caroline have crossed paths before engaging each other harmlessly (although Caroline lied about her age)…but something is different this time. Neither Jonathon nor Caroline’s parents are prepared for what awaits them…

Sunset, glow of the city;
Driving down that same old road, again.
I always end up in this place,
This…taste of…bittersweet innocence,
Just another empty bar.

Midnight, when I saw her;
She found me wanting…to feel the touch-
Of a woman’s flesh, again.
I always end up in her arms,
This…taste of…bittersweet innocence,
Just another empty bed.

And in the hour between 12 and 1-
The clock stops ticking-
And the walls start closing in.
Wake up and take a drive,
Down that same old road…
Gotta drink the blue devils away.

Deadbeat, loser of the city;
Having the same arguments, again.
“She’s too young to have a child”,
This…taste of…bittersweet truthfulness,
Just another empty home.

Midnight, when I saw her;
I found her crying…to feel the touch-
Of her baby’s kicks, again.
I wanna hold her in my arms.
This…taste of…bittersweet truthfulness,
Just another empty hole.

And in the hour between 12 and 1-
The clock stops ticking-
And the walls start closing in.
Wake up and take a drive,
Down that same old road…
Gotta drink the blue devils away.


I never loved anybody-
But I tried and she wouldn’t stay.
“I’ve never done anything-
That I’m proud of,
But this baby is one thing-
And it took my blue devils away…”
Now all I do-
Is drink to keep them at bay.

And in the hour between 12 and 1-
The clock stops ticking-
And the walls start closing in.
Wake up and take a drive,
Down that same old road…
Gotta drink the blue devils away.
Yeah, gotta drink the blue devils away.
But the devils always seem to stay…

Sunrise, glow of the city;
Driving down that same old road, again.
I always end up in this place,
This…taste of…bittersweet innocence,
Just another empty day...oh,
Just another closed grave.

[b]End

I'm still kicking myself over the ending (can't think of a good ending line to save my life) but your thoughts are appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read this. :thumb:

Reading this whole thing over...I find myself wondering why every song I do keeps getting more and more personal and darker? Heh, must be this rainy weather.

[TheBlackAcidChildren]

That's great. It's got the feel of a concept song all right - if that final line was "just another empty grave" it'd suit the rest of it better, I think. Overall that's a very good job. This is one of the songs I'd like to hear music set to.... if the music is as good as the lyrics it'd be a very good song indeed. Well done, keep writing.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

man, i dont have anything to say , this was good...

ending line might be,

"And I've never, never been this alone."

[morrissey]

wow, this was very good. It had a plot I could follow through, interesting story, overall good lyrics.

Nothing to add, I liked it.

[Cipher Hour]

Thanks for the crits everyone. Anyone else got anything to say about this piece?

[Permanent Solution]

Bump so I remember to look at this tomorrow. Look at mine too por favor if you are on before me :)

[Permanent Solution]

[Spoken Narration]
Our story begins here, in the open land of the mid west where 23 year old Jonathon Marks sets off for his usual spot at the local pub. This is the same spot where Jonathon met Caroline…a minor of only 17 who frequently sneaks out to “have a good time”. Jonathon and Caroline have crossed paths before engaging each other harmlessly (although Caroline lied about her age)…but something is different this time. Neither Jonathon nor Caroline’s parents are prepared for what awaits them…
---Interesting lead in to the song, but it is rather long, I think it would be sorta hard to pull off musically. I like how you use actual names, seems more realistic. The drama you set off in that last line I don't see translating well in song, but I have never heard any of your songs either, so it might be ok.

Sunset, glow of the city;
Driving down that same old road, again.
I always end up in this place,
This…taste of…bittersweet innocence,
Just another empty bar.
---"Bittersweet innocence" I liked that, good juxtaposition. Sunset I didn't like so much as an image, I just don't feel it is quite the right scene for the verse, I would say more like a later evening time period. I guess I see too much light still in the imagery of sunset, when the rest of this is dark.

Midnight, when I saw her;
She found me wanting…to feel the touch-
Of a woman’s flesh, again.
I always end up in her arms,
This…taste of…bittersweet innocence,
Just another empty bed.
---Nice contrast set up between the two verses, lots of parallels, which means repetition, but I like how it is used, so no complaints. However, the 5->6 line changeup ought to be remedied imo to work with flow better. I liked how you used woman to show the objectification of her, but in turn, I don't like you using 'her' a line later.

And in the hour between 12 and 1-
The clock stops ticking-
And the walls start closing in.
Wake up and take a drive,
Down that same old road…
Gotta drink the blue devils away.
---First line seems long when you say it outloud. Blue devils...Don't know what they are yet, but other than that the chorus seems pretty solid. Least flowy though imo.

Deadbeat, loser of the city;
Having the same arguments, again.
“She’s too young to have a child”,
This…taste of…bittersweet truthfulness,
Just another empty home.
---Ah, parallel structure in all verses then I guess, cool. I like how you are using structure, strongest point of the piee imo. If you can get a sound byte of that too young line that fits the flow well, I think it would be really neat.

Midnight, when I saw her;
I found her crying…to feel the touch-
Of her baby’s kicks, again.
I wanna hold her in my arms.
This…taste of…bittersweet truthfulness,
Just another empty hole.
---Still not into the whole 5->6 line thing, but whatever. Try to keep progressing time though, you were between midnight and one, and I think the passage of time plays an important role in this piece, so don't backtrack. Erm, noticing the chorus below...I still think you should keep time progressing in the piece, but it is harder now :p

And in the hour between 12 and 1-
The clock stops ticking-
And the walls start closing in.
Wake up and take a drive,
Down that same old road…
Gotta drink the blue devils away.

[Bridge]
I never loved anybody-
But I tried and she wouldn’t stay.
“I’ve never done anything-
That I’m proud of,
But this baby is one thing-
And it took my blue devils away…”
Now all I do-
Is drink to keep them at bay.
---Haphazard rhyming :downthumb: Other than that, not a bad section, but not the best either, breaking up the structure is probably a good idea though.

And in the hour between 12 and 1-
The clock stops ticking-
And the walls start closing in.
Wake up and take a drive,
Down that same old road…
Gotta drink the blue devils away.
Yeah, gotta drink the blue devils away.
But the devils always seem to stay…
---I can see this builiding and crescendoing, or I can see it flopping and being cheesy, make sure you hit the former category.

Sunrise, glow of the city;
Driving down that same old road, again.
I always end up in this place,
This…taste of…bittersweet innocence,
Just another empty day...oh,
Just another closed grave.
---Nope, this isn't an ending. It is close, the repetition is good to close the piece, but it isn't variated enough throughout, and that last line = no. No suggestions here though. Pretty solid piece, I like your structuring a lot. Now go crit me, ho.

[KCsilvertone]

like the bridge,

but i dislike the narration idea at the beginning...

overall good, 6 to 7/10