Void of Fear

[Burningwater]

*This is of my dealings with religion. Leave lots of crit please.

In your spider webs you held me
saying that if I moved I'd die
As of late I begin to doubt
I can see murder in your eyes

I've bit and clawed my way out
I'm running farther away
But you are still close behind
I'm still running on your web

Every now and then I lash back out
to stall you for a little bit
my every step gets heavier
as my feet are starting to stick

I've bit and clawed my way out
I'm running farther away
But you are still close behind
I'm still running on your web

Finally you are gone
I'm alone in the dark
a land of emptiness
where nothing should exist

I've bit and clawed my way out
I'm running farther away
But you are still close behind
I'm still running on your web

I find myself crawling back
and you've been waiting for me
I'm cacooning myself in again
together for eternity

[morrissey]

I wouldn't have noticed it was about religion unless you mentioned it... subtle (in my opinion), but once I see it I can't stop seeing it (if that makes any sense)...

I like how you aren't direct with your theme, but once you know it it makes sense. I'm sick of the religious songs that are on here (Jesus sucks blah blah), so this is a nice effort at staying on the same topic, subtly backhanding the "church", and ya, I like it.

This is the song I should mention to all those writing "direct" relgiious songs who don't understand that you can talk about the topic in an interesting way.

Excellent work :thumb:

[Burningwater]

Thanks, any more crit would be much appreciated.

[Burningwater]

None at all? Come on...I need some one to tear me apart so that I can become the lyric god.

[Switchay]

I like it. It's less angsty and kind of tells a story. Granted, I'm not the best at rating lyrics, but I don't see how it relates to religion much at all. Nice choice of words.

[inbliss]

i like the subtlety. as morrissey said, if you hadn't told us the meaning, it would have been an open subject to everyone but you. i prefer my songs to be that way, but you have to make the wording point the reader/listener at least into the right direction. you do that quite well in this also. using "web" and "stick" as the mental and spiritual hold and confusion(?) the whole subject can cause.

i'm not used to this whole rating thing the board is doing now, but i'll just say good job, keep working and revising, it can only get better. :)

-casey

[Permanent Solution]

In your spider webs you held me
saying if I moved I would die
I have discovered now
you would kill me anyhow
---I didn't realize anyhow is a word, but because it is so obscure, it seems like a forced rhyme to me if that makes sense. Also, the syllable count in lines 1/2 is off from lines 3/4 which throws off the flow. Good imagery that will draw out well in your extended metaphor.

I've bit and clawed my way out
I'm running farther away
But you're still close behind
and I'm still running on your web
---Way different structure. Structure is pretty essential to songs because of how flow works, but it could work, I would have to hear it. It flows well on its own, but is very different from the first stanza. THw web imagery is pretty good, since it is (I assume) hinting at being trapped, etc, this works nicely.

Every so often I lash out
stall you for a bit
every step gets heavier
as my feet begin to stick
---Bit/stick - unintentional pseudo-rhyme? It works well, but once again you change structure. Stick ties to web? Only question is how every step gets heavier...

I've bit and clawed my way out
I'm running farther away
But you're still close behind
and I'm still running on your web
---Chorus, I guess, I shoulda looked ahead, structure change is ok, but verses' structures still differ.

Finally you're gone
but I'm alone in the darkness
a land of nothing
where nothing should exist
---Don't repeat nothing twice. Maybe a land of emptiness? That would actually help the flow too imo. I have a little trouble tieing it to the rest of the piece, though it is good.

I've bit and clawed my way out
I'm running farther away
But you're still close behind
and I'm still running on your web

I find myself crawling back
and you've been waiting for me
I'm cacooning myself in again
together for eternity
---Solid ending.

The problem with this piece is it can be about so many things, there are no subtle references to religion. If you want it to be a religious piece, you must add some ties to religion. Some flow issues as well, but easily fixed. A fairly good piece, but unless I missed it entirely, you need some religious ties. (The web was not a religious tie, it was an extended metaphor, but you need references to religion with keywords such as: omnipotence, piety, sin, cross or else no one will know what it is about) :thumb:

If you like subtlety, you ought to like this piece (I hope):
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=262365
(Even if you don't, you still have to crit it) :p

[AshesOfHate]

im not much on religion or religious songs but this is good the spider web comparsion is good and you use a lot of metaphors which is good great job

Please crit mine The Eye Of Hate

[Burningwater]

I've decided not to make it a religious piece, I think it's better that to everyone it has its own meaning.
The nothings...need to be removed I guess. It had a nice flow in my mind, but I'll change it.
I didn't really want the verses to be the same structure because I'm not that big on a lot of repetition through a song. It's bad enough I put those choruses in as much as I did.
Now//anyhow is as good as gone.

[Permanent Solution]

Ah, glad to see some people actually pay attention to my crits :D

I would rep you, but I'm maxed out right now :-/

[Bexi]

oh no..this site has rep too ?

[Permanent Solution]

indeed

[TheOpeningAct101]

i liked it, not an angsty religous song that im used too. i liked how it was so subtle but not too much.

This is my favorite part.
"Every so often I lash out
to stall you for a bit
every step gets heavier
as my feet begin to stick"

7/10

[Burningwater]

Alright guys, I've made a lot of revisions, let's see what I can fix again.

[morrissey]

Don't remember exactly what the other one was like, but I still like this one. Just one note, the last line of the first verse, "eye" seems sort of out of place, it should really be "eyes"... but that's a very minor thing.

[Burningwater]

Fixed.

[morrissey]

awesome :thumb:

[espf-250htd06]

flow is off somehow idk just doesnt seem right

song is alright the web thing has been done but not over done

idk what to tell you really cept i think you coulda done better with this

7/10 check out my new song/poem reason just cant explain