Trapped

[NirvanaDude]

Song I wrote a while back its from memory cant remember most of it.......... plz crit!!!!!!!!!!

I'm still trapped inside your heart,
lost without a key
I've tripped up and fallen into
Something I never understood

Since you left me
Ive been looking down at my life
Through a broken and empty looking glass
And my twisted dreams smash on the floor

(CHORUS)
So I stay awake at night
Drowning in my pain and suffering
Wishing to find a way to end it all

I'm living an empty life
Old slivers of memories for company
Fading fast
When you left me my heart left too

I know it's short but plz plz plz tell me what you think!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :thumb: :D

[BlastFunk03]

it needs swearing

[Burningwater]

It lacks flow and the subject appears to be cliche.
It didn't really touch me in any way, I probably wouldn't listen to it.
The metaphors don't project an image into my mind, which is bad.
It might just be my personal taste though...I don't like cliche as a general rule.

[xKONRADx]

its way better than every nickelback song ever on the radio. so you could be a sellout. otherwise start over.

[morrissey]

It lacks flow and the subject appears to be cliche.
It didn't really touch me in any way, I probably wouldn't listen to it.
The metaphors don't project an image into my mind, which is bad.
It might just be my personal taste though...I don't like cliche as a general rule.

I get bored of typing the same comments, and I noticed that this post summarizes what I would say anyways, thanks burningwater.

BTW, Don't listen to either sex pistols or the clash so I can't judge, but both *have* to be better than Nirvana (can't think of a band that's much worse :))

[NirvanaDude]

well i'm only eleven so you cant expect me to write songs like kurt cobain or jimmy page thanks for the compliments guys :D you gotta admit its good for an eleven year old.
sort of

[Permanent Solution]

I get bored of typing the same comments, and I noticed that this post summarizes what I would say anyways, thanks burningwater.

BTW, Don't listen to either sex pistols or the clash so I can't judge, but both *have* to be better than Nirvana (can't think of a band that's much worse :))
:eek:

:upset:

V I was going to say that, but I decided against it, well done. (I didn't say it because most kids can't write like me vocab wise, and I do judge diction use :()

[mshort813]

dont use your age as an excuse. we dont crit your age or you as a writer. we crit your song.

[morrissey]

zepp, you know I'm right...

haha I'm hilarious...

anyways, for 11 years old, this song doesn't seem "true" to me. You are talking about breaking up, drinking (Through a broken and empty looking glass
And my twisted dreams smash on the floor) etc... I'm not sure you're ready for these things yet, so it doesn't come off very well because you haven't experienced them yet.

And if you have experienced them... :eek:... when I was 11...

[Permanent Solution]

We're breaking up. Again. Until you like Nirvana.

Oh yeah, just so I'm not spamming, the song was not anything special. Too poppy and unsophisticated. Like a port or cooler, when I prefer a solid Chardonnay.

[morrissey]

good analogy.. but I don't think he'll get it... he's 11, remember?

and that's ok, I wasn't aware we had gotten back together :eek:

I've moved on anyways, some else on here is looking pretty darn good double :eek:

And just so this isn't spamming (heehee) ummm, the title reminds me of that band Trapped, but spelled differently :rolleyes:

[Permanent Solution]

He mentioned drinking though, his loss :p

Lies, you begged me one minute after we roke up last time :upset:

:confused:

Spammer. Trapt is teh uber coolness :rolleyes:

[morrissey]

ok, we're back together :thumb:

Trapt = ghey :rolleyes:

[Permanent Solution]

Goody!

[CreepingBlack]

the song is alright, as somebody has already said, it lacks flow, but given the right melody, the song could thrive.

[NirvanaDude]

well at least someone likes it