devil Within...pls crit

[brandnewsin]

Devil Within

on the path all alone, I am the footsteps...behind you
glance from your eye, I'm the trick of the light...it blinds you
the racing of nerves, runs down your spine...it grips you
the rush of your blood, fast as it flows...but ya don't know

Why? I am the thorn in your side
Why? I am your foolish pride
Why? I'm under your skin
Why? I am the devil within

in the midst of a dream, i am the nightmare...it wakes you
in the dark of your room, i am the shadow...it freaks you
the cold of your sweat, runs down your cheek...it chills you
the beat of your heart increasing in speed...but ya don't know

Why? I am the thorn in your side
Why? I am your foolish pride
Why? I'm under your skin
Why? I am the devil within

in the cool light of, i am doubt in your mind...it slows you
twisting inside, i am all trains of thought...confuse you
unable to think, you sense who i am...it pains you
relinquish control, give in to me...cos ya don't know

Why? I am the thorn in your side
Why? I am your foolish pride
Why? I'm under your skin
Why? I am the devil within


cheers :cool: :chug:

[thedeadwalk!]

you know it's sad but truueeeeeeee!

...it freaks you - it works, just not my liking, i think it takes away from the song

when i read this, i see metallica. that isn't a bad thing, but when i think of them because of plagiarism, that is a bad thing. what you did was pretty good, but i see copy all over it. 1/10.

[Far From Invisible]

I'd haft to agree. Keep working though man, dont force stuff, just spill your heart on the paper, don't even think about your writting.

[morrissey]

the verses aren't bad, but I don't like the way ... it wakes you etc. looks, but it could sound good when performed. The chorus is really repetitive, again it would depend on the music.

One good thing is that you stick to form here, it flows easily etc.

Not the best lyrics, but nothing warranting me ripping it apart :thumb:

Overall 6.5/10

[morrissey]

you know it's sad but truueeeeeeee!

...it freaks you - it works, just not my liking, i think it takes away from the song

when i read this, i see metallica. that isn't a bad thing, but when i think of them because of plagiarism, that is a bad thing. what you did was pretty good, but i see copy all over it. 1/10.

I don't know any Metallica songs, just wondering which one you are referring to, or are you referring to their style? :confused:

To the threadstarter - I'll give you the benefit of the doubt about plagarism until I see proof, but plagarism = bad :mad:

[GenericWriter]

I think he was referring to Until It Sleeps.

It goes something like:
It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me

But you didn't really copy anything directly. It's just the feel of that line.

I wouldn't say your writing was terrible, but I think you have the potential to exceed what you wrote in that. Keep it up.

[morrissey]

hmm I don't really see the similarity, but just be aware that when you "borrow" from your influences, especially if they are well-known, people *will* notice!

"There's always someone, somewhere/with a big nose, who knows/Who'll trip you up and laugh when you fall." - Cemetry Gates by The Smiths

[thedeadwalk!]

i was referring to sad but true (maybe i wasn't so clear).

Metallica
"Sad But True"

Hey
I'm your life
I'm the one who takes you there
hey
I'm your life
I'm the one who cares
they
they betray
I'm your only true friend now
they
they'll betray
I'm forever there

I'm your dream, make you real
I'm your eyes when you must steal
I'm your pain when you can't feel
sad but true

I'm your dream, mind astray
I'm your eyes while you're away
I'm your pain while you repay
you know it's sad but true, sad but true

you
you're my mask
you're my cover, my shelter
you
you're my mask
you're the one who's blamed
do
do my work
do my dirty work, scapegoat
do
do my deeds
for you're the one who's shamed

I'm your dream, make you real
I'm your eyes when you must steal
I'm your pain when you can't feel
sad but true

I'm your dream, mind astray
I'm your eyes while you're away
I'm your pain while you repay
you know it's sad but true, sad but true

I'm your dream, I'm your eyes, I'm your pain
I'm your dream, I'm your eyes, I'm your pain
You know it's sad but true

hate
I'm your hate
I'm your hate when you want love
pay
pay the price
pay, for nothing's fair

hey
I'm your life
I'm the one who took you there
hey
I'm your life
and I no longer care

I'm your dream, make you real
I'm your eyes when you must steal
I'm your pain when you can't feel
sad but true

I'm your truth, telling lies
I'm your reasoned alibis
I'm inside open your eyes
I'm you

sad but true

[morrissey]

ya, I can kind of see it

[Vaelroth]

I love the flow to this. The verses are put together really well, and the chorus is a good change. The only problem I have with the chorus is the meter in the third line. Take out the contraction so you get a better flow. I would also recommend switching the first and second lines of the chorus to keep a 7 - 8 - 7 -8 beat structure. I'll give you a 72/100. The lyrics are special in their own way, but a few errors in the meter hold it back. Also, clear up your writing a bit. I know its easier to type in slang, but that can always be added as the lyrics are interpreted.