Apologies

[Jeuneau]

This is my first post ever so don't hurt me too much...

*verse*
I will be the one,
Who will stop your tears,
I will be the one,
Who will stop you crying,
My soul filled with guilt,
I'm sorry for it all,
I'm sorry for the dumb things I've said to you.

*chorus*
It takes too long,
And It's too late,
I should of said so,
And now I need her,
More than I need me.

*verse*
I will be the one,
Who shed your tears,
I will be the one,
Who will start the crying,
Our souls, filled with guilt,
Sorry for it all,
Sorry for the dumb things I've said to you.

*chorus*

*outro*
I need her. She's gone.
*back up*
My apologies, My apologies. *repeated till fade out*

Crit would be welcome.

[thedeadwalk!]

the verses are really similar. but, there are songs like that, that are good. really emo for my taste, but i think it does alright for what it's meant. 5.5/10.

[morrissey]

This is a copy of a post I made to a previous poster... You are just starting out, and alot of new songs end up like this. I don't want to be harsh, everyone starts somewhere. So this post just has some suggestions for how to improve your songwriting :thumb::

I can't offer much helpful criticism here, I don't see much positive stuff to work on, and there isn't anything so bad that it is worthy of a mention. It just strikes me as being very bland, over-done etc. as I mentioned before.

The only thing I would suggest would be the following:

a. Try to get "below the surface" with your topic. I am no expert on this by far, but suggestions would be using metaphors, imagery, symbolism etc. to convey a deeper meaning.

b. Read other members' work on these forums. Notice the good/bad aspects of their work, and then read the comments. You can learn to understand what works really well in a piece, and what really doesn't work.

c. Go to some lyrics site, randomly click a lyric (artist/song doesn't matter) and just read their stuff. You can learn tricks etc. to see what really works :)

d. No matter what, keep writing. When you look back on these lyrics a year from now, you might laugh, but it is all about progression :thumb:

No overall mark today, just keep working on it.

I hope that helps, they were pretty general suggestions, but keep on writing, and have fun with it.

[Jeuneau]

morrissey: Thanks for the advice. Harsh? Not harsh at all! Maybe my next work will be better.

thedeadwalk!: 5.5's good for someone starting out...

[Burningwater]

Needs metaphor
Needs to project an image
Find different subjects that aren't so cliche( I hate cliche)
Crit Void of Fear please.