Caged Behind Silver Bars

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Ben Stivers
11/12/04

this time if you want a crit back, you gotta leave me the song title, otherwise i wont know what to look for, and feel guilty :( (and i dont want that)

Caged Behind Silver Bars

You've kept me in the dark for so long, dont you think its time you let me see,
These lights that have been looming, above a metal ceiling, above my worn out eyes.
I've loved, more than I've had to, and I've given every breath to you.
So release me from the shackles, and give me those lost feelings back.

Release me, from the shackles.
These bindings around my wrists.
As they cut into to my scarred flesh,
And leave the marks of new beginnings behind.

Confined in a cell of guilt and pleasure that I built around myself,
All my screams come out silent, and I receed back behind the blackened bars.
There's only so much I could do, and I'm sick of every second being about you.
Just release me from these shackles, and give me those lost feelings back.

Release me, from the shackles.
These bindings around my wrists.
As they cut into to my scarred flesh,
And leave the marks of new beginnings behind.

Release me,
End this suffering,
And bring me,
Those lost feelings...
Back.

[morrissey]

Let me just get the bad comments out of the way first:

- there is alot of repetitiveness, not only in the theme, but you continually use the same words. Since this isn't an overly long song, it comes of as being really... repetitive. Perhaps use synonyms or like-minded imagery to convey the same thing, just a suggestion.

Now on to the good stuff:

- I like this song. Easy to understand, you didn't overly complicate the song.
- Flows well enough
- I really like the verses (?), but the chorus not so much, probably for the reason mentioned above.

All in all, a good song. The repeating may work perfect in song-format, but on paper it looks like you are running out of ideas or something. I think you know waht I am trying to say, just something to keep in the back of your mind.

OVerall 7.5/10

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

yeah my inspiration well is running dry... :(

[session9]

Same here - I think I'd need to hear the song for this one really. The lyrics don't scream out at me as being special, but they're certainly competent.

[morrissey]

and session9 said exactly what I was trying to say in 2 sentences... ah, the many merits of brevity...

[morrissey]

yeah my inspiration well is running dry... :(

Well at least you had one to start....

me (plus 90% of posters) seem to lack all forms of inspiration :upset: