Silent Witness

[session9]

This one is one that we do in our live set, we haven't recorded it yet (but that will change come next month). I'm fairly happy with it as is, but I'd appreciate a crit that suggests a way to improve it whilst keeping it in the time signatures we already use (listed by each section):

Verse (7/8)
Leader leads us down into hell
Telling tales that serve him so well
Profiteer of fear feeds on hate
He don't care what chaos his lies will create

Chorus (4/4)
He's a silent witness
Just a silent witness
Another silent witness
And truth will bring it down...

Verse 2 (7/8)
Monsters lined up in every mind
Prejudices that we designed
Built to keep our secrets restrained
Keep it tight and keep it close and keep it enchained

Chorus 2 (4/4)
You're a silent witness
Just a silent witness
Another silent witness
And truth will bring it down...

Verse 3 (7/8)
Soldier told to murder for peace
Paranoia with no release
Friendly fire scatters around
Bodies falling without a sound
Freedoms he was sent there to keep
Lost with him in eternal sleep

Chorus 3 (4/4)
And he's a silent witness
And you're a silent witness
No more a silent witness
And truth will bring it down...

(N.B. Please try not to turn this thread into something that belongs in the "political" section of the forum if at all possible...thanks.)

[morrissey]

I will try not to ruin your thread... but I can't guarantee it :lol:... :upset:

Anways, on with my wonderful critique.

I like this song, I like your use of 7/8 time, not a common one, so that is good. Just one note, the chorus... I'm sure it sounds fine live, most song have repetition like this, but since the purpose of this forums is to comment on the *lyrics* I have to say that the chorus is (obviously) very repetitious. This sort of thing always looks bad on paper (or on screen :)), but probably comes alive on stage. But I have to mention it, because it is really obvious and I can't say I approve 100%, since you could have much more descriptive lyrics in the chorus instead, but, again it probalby sounds fine so I will be quiet now.

Overall 7.5/10

[session9]

I hear you - it does sound good live, but you're right, it is quite repetitious.

I try and vary the delivery and vocal melody for each line of the chorus (I'm somewhat of a blues-rock guitarist who likes to improvise over the general melody, so I bring that to my singing). That approach alleviates the sameyness a bit. And I vary the target of the chorus each time (and each line in the final chorus), so that also helps.

Before this band, I tended towards writing choruses that were more like a verse in content, format and subject terms. Recently though, I've been trying to make it more of a "singalong" thing, or maybe more of a vocal hook/riff, something that you may remember even if you don't remember the rest of the song. I've got a way to go yet, but I know what I want to achieve so it's only a matter of time - hopefully...

Thanks for giving it the once-over.

[morrissey]

Makes sense... and I would probably say that your chorus was too long and didn't stick in my mind if you went the other way... you can never win :lol: