Eyes Shut and Doors Locked

[factor46]

Eyes Shut and Doors Locked

The night so dark, and air just as cold,
Walking down the stoplight brightened street.
Hair flying in your face as the wind blows so fast,
Alone,
But it’s not your seclusion that kept you alert,
You could no longer see the street,
Everything went black,
Not one star flickering above,
But the moon still shone, though dim.
Continuing your pace, you heard a noise,
Clutching the insides of your pockets, you ran.
But right behind you was a wall.
Down,
You weren’t being chased, but you sure felt as though you were,
Adrenaline overcame you,
Like the sand covers the cactus in the desert,
Getting up, you tripped over your own feet,
Face down in the grass.
Slightly unconscious, and too tired to awake,
You lay there for five minutes and the sun comes up,
Silence,
Nobody was by you,
You were alone the whole time.

----------------------------------------------------

please crit. :D

[morrissey]

I really like this, but it strikes me more as more of a prose piece divided up than a poem or song. I didn't really get much flow from it as it stands....

I really like what you are trying to say, but just a suggestion. The last line
Nobody was by you,
You were alone the whole time.
This could be some sort of twist or something. Instead, you mention that they weren't actually being followed (You weren't being chased, but you sure felt as though you were).. I think it could be a nice surprise ending, but you sort of ruin it with your own words... Just a thought.

Just one last problem: it seems really direct in some parts, like a story (not poetry as I mentioned before)... there is some nice imagery, but in my opinion it could use a little more to set the scene. You start of with some excellent imagery but it sort of fades away as it goes on.

Other than those minor things, I like this song. Good work

Overall 8/10

[factor46]

yeah. alright, i get what youre saying. i might fix that in the long run, but ill leave it for now.
thanks for the crit. :D


anymore?

[AshesOfHate]

ya its good im not use to the whole not spilt up like a poem thing but its good i have i question i just got on this site why cant i make threds?

[factor46]

hmm. i dont know.

thanks for the crit. :D

[factor46]

how the hell did that one song get 140-some crits and mine get 2?
lol.


bump.

[Permanent Solution]

They had a chat, wanna chat in here?

/spam

I might crit this in a bit...

[factor46]

nah. chats arent necessary. but i would like some crits. :D


..and a crit from you would be awesome.

[Permanent Solution]

The night so dark, and air just as cold,
Walking down the stoplight brightened street.
Hair flying in your face as the wind blows so fast,
Alone,
---Drop the 'and' in line 1. Neat flow, very asymmetrical, but very interesting. I liked most of the imagery and simile, but night and dark was maybe just a little bit too simple for my tastes. But it worked well anyways, that only popped up after a few readthroughs.

But it’s not your seclusion that kept you alert,
You could no longer see the street,
Everything went black,
Not one star flickering above,
But the moon still shone, though dim.
---Flickered fits better than flickering I think. On second thoughts, maybe not, I dunno, do it if you like, I just think this section could flow a little bit better with some rewording.

Continuing your pace, you heard a noise,
Clutching the insides of your pockets, you ran.
But right behind you was a wall.
Down,
---Nice, parallel structure. Interesting topically because though it is a poem, it is told like a story, and not so rooted in metaphor and such, though that is still present.

You weren’t being chased, but you sure felt as though you were,
Adrenaline overcame you,
Like the sand covers the cactus in the desert,
Getting up, you tripped over your own feet,
Face down in the grass.
---Nice simile, original. the only thing is in line 1 you use 'you' 3 times. You could probably cut at least one out.

Slightly unconscious, and too tired to awake,
You lay there for five minutes and the sun comes up,
Silence,
Nobody was by you,
You were alone the whole time.
---Nice, solid ending. Interesting way to tell the story. I think 'wake' is better than 'awake' in line 1.

I like this piece. Well done. Nothing like what I would ever write, but tastefully simplistic if that makes sense. Anyways, nice job. A lot of details and touchups still to look at, but the premise is solid and everything that can be fixed is just details.

Check out my piece Midnight Stroll if you would be so kind :)

[morrissey]

how the hell did that one song get 140-some crits and mine get 2?
lol.


bump.

:lol: if you were talking about the 'teenybopper' song, they weren't really crits, just a conversation... but good bump anyway :lol:

[factor46]

thanks zep. i'll fix some of what you said later. and ill crit your song evetnually, but i have no time right now. :D

[Pao Ferro]

I thought this was excellent. An excellent love-based song that is really reminscent of something John Mayer would do. Good imagery and I like how you are just trying to write what you want to say simply, without anything too over the top.

Great job. :thumb:

[factor46]

thank you Pao. :D i appreciate it.

[Permanent Solution]

thanks zep. i'll fix some of what you said later. and ill crit your song evetnually, but i have no time right now. :D
o.O

Sounds fair :D

Be aware it is prose, not a song too lol :thumb:

[factor46]

alright. lol.

i searched for it earlier so i could crit it.....but i couldn't find it.

*goes to search again*

[Permanent Solution]

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=262365
:D

[factor46]

okay cool. all done. :D

[theredwonder]

nice idea, and you have some fancy lines here too. i didnt like this though -

Like the sand covers the cactus in the desert

didnt seem right really. maybe a different similie? i dont know, your choice. and i think you need to go over and change a few words, take out a few that arent needed to help the flow a little. anyway, what am i saying. erm, 8/10. good job señor :thumb:

could you crit this for moi please -

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=265445

shameless plugging practised here :D