Crucify

[Burningwater]

Sorry about the thread name, I decided to change the song's name after I posted it...



I trudge on day to day
strangled by my dying flesh
bathed in my rotting stench
and searching for a reason
to justify my existence
and nullify my ignorance

Indulge me in what it is to live
Held back by imminent tragedy
I can't stop rampant insecurity
Crucify me and lay my pain to rest

I lie stapled to the floor
And wandering in my head
Days and weeks passing by
debating, meditating
tracing circles over
and over lost in my mind

Indulge me in what it is to live
I'm held back by imminent tragedy
I can't stop my rampant infirmity
Crucify me and lay my pain to rest

I must know in order to go on
I must find the answers in my mind
Will I live after I die again?
Or am I to fall into nothing?


*I decided to write about struggles I go through in my mind, crit, enjoy*
*Thank You*

[morrissey]

Hmm this is a pretty depressing song, kind of struck a chord, but not the type of thing I would like to listen to /read every day :upset:

Lyrically, its not astounding, but I think you get your point across without being overly direct or having it so swamped in metaphors that I have no idea what you are saying :thumb:. It's clear, flows well, no major complaints :thumb:

Overall 7.5/10

[morrissey]

Just an addition... I didn't really like the title "Crucify", I was going to comment on it, but you changed it. That being said, maybe I don't understand your topic or something (I think I get it, but...) but "beligerence" doesn't really seem to fit it... just one opinion, obviously it is your song and you know what it means though.

[Sloth]

Like morrissey said, it's not amazing but it gets the point across.. overall, i like it.. it's one of those songs that made me stare at it a few minutes longer than I needed to.. tracing circles over this is my favorite line

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Indulge me in what it is to live
I'm held back by imminent tragedy
I can't stop my rampant infirmity
Crucify me and lay my pain to rest


Big words good. :thumb: Anyway it was very depressing but I am in to that kind of stuff. Like they said not a song I would listen to over and over again or I am kill myself. But it is really powerful and I really did enjoy it. Nice Work. 8.3/10

[Burningwater]

Is that it??
I need stuff to work on.

[SarcasticVirtue]

Two words - Dimmu Borgir
This is sweet, it has the word usage like on of DB's songs, but basks in your originality. Right from what you feel. I'd love to hear this in an MP3 with music. Awesome man.

Now for the Critique part - Heh.

You're using some large words - not that that isn't good, it's great to see someone with that intelligence level after going to 'school' so much - but in literature constantly using large words can distract the reader from the actual story. This isn't necesserily the case though, if you sing this like a Dimmu Borgir song for instance, the descriptive words are, for lack of a better word, 'covered'. What I'm saying is that if it is sang slow, it will probably distract the listener from the real meaning of the song. But hey, anything can happen.

'Crucify me and lay my pain to rest' is quite bluntly, an oxymoron. If someone crucifies you, you're going to be in a lot of pain until you die (unless you're dead, retarded, or have a **** load of tylenol in your back pocket). It can be pulled off in your song, but you might look at that part again.

As I look at this again, it reminds me of a kid just sitting around bored as hell. Not really depressing, as others might say, but I think it would make a good metal song. Keep up the work man.

[session9]

About the last posters' crit of the crucify line - mental torment dulled by physical pain, perhaps? Like those (silly) kids that cut themselves? I dunno. The song as a whole, though, sounds like the product of self-pity starring a person with too much time (and weed) on their hands and not enough real stuff to get angry about. That may be well off the mark in actuality, but that's the vibe I got from it when I read it.

[Burningwater]

Sarcastic Virtue - I don't listen to dimmu borgir at all, but I could see where you're coming from. The crucify line...at first just sounded cool to me, before I even wrote the song. It's kinda the line I built the rest of the song around. It's about how I over analyze the life I'm living and the result is the mental pain I get when I hold myself back so that I don't make a fool out of myself. I was kinda bored when I wrote this...it was in English class.

[SarcasticVirtue]

Haha nice. But I understand it now, not so bad actually.