My First Serious Attempt, crit if you want.

[CleverRecords]

This song floated about my head for a few months and I finally wrote it down. Anything in () is a note to either what the background music is doing or a note on the vocal style.

Limit (working title)
(piano intro, soft vocals)
Verse 1
It's the simple things that make it begin
Like the smell of you that lingers
in my car that starts the break down again
Photos flash and videos
play through my head
Memories fo all of those
Times that we spent

(chorus, vocals still soft)
And it's more than I can take
And more than any one man should
Ever have to
And you could almost hear the break
as my soul snaps in two
and falls upon the floor
And it's more than I can take
Why can't the good
Things
Last?

Verse 2
Now don't get me wrong
This is no fault of yours
I take every bit of blame
It's just another example
of my self-inflicted misery
I wish I wouldn't be this way (rising emotion in vocals)
But I can't do a god**** thing (high emotion in vocals)

(Chorus, octave up from previous chorus with high emotion, symphony enters)

(bridge, vocals return to normal slowly throughout)
I don't deserve you back
and I won't even ask
But I'm swallowing my pride enough
to tell you I'm sorry

I'll understand if you fell
that my apology ain't real
But could you at least say....
You forgive me..

(final chorus, vocals back to same as start)


There it is. It probably sounds better in my head, since I can hear the piano melody and the symphony joining in, but since I can't type that or play piano, I'll leave it to your imagination.

[morrissey]

Meh, it tries to be "lofty", but lyrically it has been done many times before.

And you could almost hear the break
as my soul snaps in two
This kind of thing should really be avoided... so cliched and generic...

It's not a terrible song, it sounds like I would like it musically, but again, lyrically it is nothing special.

Time for my recommendations for new writers, use the info if you will, or completely ignore it, your choice :thumb::



a. Try to get "below the surface" with your topic. I am no expert on this by far, but suggestions would be using metaphors, imagery, symbolism etc. to convey a deeper meaning.

b. Read other members' work on these forums. Notice the good/bad aspects of their work, and then read the comments. You can learn to understand what works really well in a piece, and what really doesn't work.

c. Go to some lyrics site, randomly click a lyric (artist/song doesn't matter) and just read their stuff. You can learn tricks etc. to see what really works :)

d. No matter what, keep writing. When you look back on these lyrics a year from now, you might laugh, but it is all about progression :thumb:

I hope this helps, again it's not a terrible song or anything, but it could use alot of work.

Overall 5.5/10

[thirdeyeblindislit]

I for one thought it was very very good. I am a fan of something corporate and ben folds so I can really get into this. The only part I may have a problem with is the first verse after the first chorus. Some lines in there dont make much sense. I cant remeber which ones right now but you may figure it out. Anyway kick *** job. I really liked that song and I would hire you to write songs for my band. I have been writing songs for like 6 years and I know what I am talking about. The talent is all there. :chug:
Anyway nice job and keep on it. 8.7/10 :thumb: :smoke:

[CleverRecords]

It is a bit corny, but I just kinda sat down and cranked it out for the most part. Certain lines floated about my head for a while, but some of it was pulled directly from the rectal world. When I do a 2nd version I'll be sure to post it here. Thanks for the advice and compliments, I'd love to hear more.

I agree with morissey on the cliche' part, btw. I really do need more metaphors and such, and it irritates me greatly when bands don't use them.