Headlights Lost In The Rain (Part I)

[TheWoodenSlug]

So anyone who has read any of my recent posts knows that I am rewriting some of my diary entries into lyrics (hence the simplicity). This song has been pieced together from a number of entries and modified slightly. Anyway, enjoy.

HEADLIGHTS LOST IN THE RAIN (PART I)

It's getting dark
I watched the moon defeat the sun
I reminded me of you

And my furrowed feet
Suggest it's been raining for some time
Still I'll wait, patient for you

The moonlight pierces the bleeding clouds
I only wish you could see me now
I hope you're feeling safer inside
I hope sobriety gave a fight

As the wind whispers goodnight

I'm getting tired
Only the blistering cold keeps me awake
And possibly alive
Still I'm comforted
By these shadows that hold me closer than you
Even though I know they're not mine

The moonlight pierces the bleeding clouds
I only wish you could see me now
I hope you're feeling safer inside
I hope sobriety gave a fight

As the lightning cries goodnight

So I rest my head on the guillotine
And find it's safer here than on your shoulder
And I rest my head here inside the noose
At least I know it will catch me when I fall

The moonlight pierces the bleeding clouds
I only wish you could see me now
I hope you're feeling safer inside
I hope sobriety gave a fight

As the hurricane...


The end. Hope you liked. I'll probably post Part II in the next few days. Anyway, as always, all crits welcome. Thank you for your time.

[morrissey]

This is a very good song... especially these parts:

I'm getting tired
Only the blistering cold keeps me awake
And possibly alive
Still I'm comforted
By these shadows that hold me closer than you
Even though I know they're not mine


So I rest my head on the guillotine
And find it's safer here than on your shoulder
And I rest my head here inside the noose
At least I know it will catch me when I fall

Those verses really stood out to me, good work on those.

As for the ending, I'm not too sure about it... "As the hurriance..." As the hurricane WHAT? I'm not sure if you'll answer it in part II, but it really leaves the reader hanging, so....

Anyways, good piece overall, probably the best I have read from you :thumb:

Overall 8/10

[fatacon]

very interesting piece. id say your attempt to make your diary entries into lyrics went well. however i do have some crits.

"It's getting dark
I watched the moon defeat the sun
I reminded me of you"

this intro is iffy. it feels choppy when i read it for some reason. maybe it's because there is no real transition between the lines. and did you mean "It" in the third line instead of "I"?

"And my furrowed feet
Suggest it's been raining for some time
Still I'll wait, patient for you"

i dont really know what to say here. it's too brief in relation to the other verses. perhaps develop this section a bit more?

"The moonlight pierces the bleeding clouds
I only wish you could see me now
I hope you're feeling safer inside
I hope sobriety gave a fight"

the opening line in the "chorus" if, i may call it that, is a bit cliche. although it does fit in well with the piece i thought i might as well point it out. the rest is nothing really exciting but it serves its purpose just fine.

"As the wind whispers goodnight"

cliche, but the dramatic factor it adds works well here. however, you may wish to add it to the chorus if you like. that way the chorus is progressive in a sense that every time it is gone through it changes with the last line.

"I'm getting tired
Only the blistering cold keeps me awake
And possibly alive
Still I'm comforted
By these shadows that hold me closer than you
Even though I know they're not mine"

although the longest verse, i would say this is the weakest. it seems like it was pulled straight out of the diary with no augmentation. there is no real attempt at imagery or use of symbolic devices. very cliche. i suggest that you possibly rewrite this section to fit the same style as the rest but thats a decision for you to make.

*skipping subsequent choruses*

"As the lightning cries goodnight"

this line is less useful IMHO, due to the fact that it doesnt really make good use of properties. in the previous attempt, the wind actually seems to "whisper". lightning, as far as i can tell, doesnt cry or doesnt seem to have those properties. rain perhaps, but not lightning. im not sure what to suggest here but i had to point that out.

"So I rest my head on the guillotine
And find it's safer here than on your shoulder
And I rest my head here inside the noose
At least I know it will catch me when I fall"

id say this is the most interesting verse of the three. only thing i can point out is:

"And I rest my head here inside the noose"

maybe take out the word "here". it makes the statement long and awkward. plus in the similar line, two lines above:

"So I rest my head on the guillotine"

follows the same format but doesnt use the word "here". it may just be for the sake of form, but as i read it, it just threw the whole thing off for me with the extra word in there.

"As the hurricane..."

while i realize this has a continuation, im not sure if youre using this line as a transition between pieces? otherwise, as it stands now, it leaves the reader hanging. with similar statements you finished with a verb. in this instance the reader is left thinking "as the hurricane... what? what did it do?" if you are, in fact, using it as a transition it works effectively as it makes the reader (at least for me) want to read the next piece.

overall: this was an interesting piece with a lot of promise. keep my suggestions in mind and i hope to see the following piece. good luck in future writing.

-ivan

[TheWoodenSlug]

Okay I'm tired now and couldn't be shagged writing much so I'll just answer the hurricane part as it was mentioned in both reviews. Basically this is supposed to be written by someone as a storm (hurricane) is forming. The reason the hurrican line is cut short is because that is when the hurricane actually hits. Hope that sort of made sense (did I mention that I'm tired?). Anyway thanks for your in depth crits.

[session9]

A noose and a guillotine within so few lines seems like overkill (pun intended).

[morrissey]

A noose and a guillotine within so few lines seems like overkill (pun intended).
:lol:... my these musicianforums people are a witty bunch, aren't they? :lol:

[session9]

And what's more, it's a guillotine first off! How would the noose work after that?