Freak Me Out - Please Crit.

[Trigger_003]

Hi everyone,
This song's called Freak Me Out and I wrote it quite a while back. I'm not that keen on the chorus - which I want to re-write, but I'm a bit stuck on inspriation and I haven't really had the time to work with it. Anyway, it would be great if anyone could give me some positive crits. :thumb:

You keep telling me that you’re the best,
You know you’re just like all the rest,
Only wanting to impress your friends.
Just trying for a higher place,
And going on a harder chase,
Don’t think that I don’t know it,
Coz I do

- chorus -
I won’t give it up,
Just for one guy
Hey to hell with that,
Don’t try to get me high,
You know I don’t wanna try,
Not with you.

You tried to kiss me past the cheek,
Don’t you ever give it up you freak?
You were askin me to go get down,
Hell, I’m not hanging round,
You really know just how to freak me out.

- chorus -

[Bridge]
Can’t you stop hitting on me,
Come on man let me be free,
I don’t want to know you anyway.
Stop coming around to my place,
Just shut your friggin ugly face,
Why can’t you leave me alone?

- chorus -

Man you really know how to freak a girl out.
Oh you really know how to freak me out.

[morrissey]

Ok, its been a long day, I am lazy so I will write a short crit.

I'm not very impressed with this song, although it does have a fairly good flow. Unfortunately, the rhymes are dreadful.

You tried to kiss me past the cheek,
Don’t you ever give it up you freak?

You keep telling me that you’re the best,
You know you’re just like all the rest,

These are the two worst I could find, not mentioning the chorus/bridge...

While I admire what you are trying to do with the topic, in my opinion it is pretty weak writing.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I would suggest a total re-write. Don't take this personally though :)

[hightio]

yeah i guess ill give critting a try , gotta give a little back.
just remember its constructive. to me it sounds like something
a 14 year old girl who has an annoying boyfriend and doesnt know how to
deal with him would write. the rhyme scheme is pretty weak and it seems as though you fit the lines based on the rhyme word at the end. you should think about trying not to rhyme. it actually in my opinion can be much easier and give you much more freedom as a singer to not rhyme and allows you to express what you really want to say, not what rhymes. not a big fan of people using freak in a song either, reminds me of something rap would do. if it is one of your first songs though it is a good start and you should keep writing, just maybe try to bump up the seriousness of your topics or at least put a little more thought into your choice of words. structure was good though.

[Trigger_003]

Yeah sorry guys, this is my second complete song so I'm nowhere near the standard of a lot of other songwriters on here. I could tell the ryhming was forced and I didn't like that but I thought I'd may aswell put it up here to get suggestions or something. Are there any kind of... exercises? you can do to stop yourself from the forced writing? Or is it just a matter of practice?

I won't take it personally, I asked for crits afterall. I'm an alright writer with other things so once I get more practice at songwriting I guess I'll be able to do better. Thanks for your crits and advice so far everyone. :)

[morrissey]

Yeah sorry guys, this is my second complete song so I'm nowhere near the standard of a lot of other songwriters on here. I could tell the ryhming was forced and I didn't like that but I thought I'd may aswell put it up here to get suggestions or something. Are there any kind of... exercises? you can do to stop yourself from the forced writing? Or is it just a matter of practice?

I won't take it personally, I asked for crits afterall. I'm an alright writer with other things so once I get more practice at songwriting I guess I'll be able to do better. Thanks for your crits and advice so far everyone. :)

I suppose you could call it a matter of practice, but really you just need to be conscious of how your song will look to other people. Simplest thing to do:
When you are finished your song, write down the endings of each of your lines (your rhymes). If you notice that your list turns out like this:

day/way
you/blue
far/car

or something similarly terrible, be aware that those kind of rhymes WILL be noticed as weak/forced rhymes. When you first start writing, this seems natural because it is what we so often hear on the radio etc., and we are sort of taught that rhymes have to appear in song for it to sound good.
Really, it is just the opposite. Nothing wrong with rhymes, but when you use them only for the purpose of rhyming, they come off wrong.

My best suggestion would be to write what you are actually trying to say.

1.The easiest thing to avoid are changes in syntax, specifically to rhyme.
Example: I just want to talk,
but instead, down the hall we walk.
Obviously, you are trying to say "we walk down the hall" but you change it to rhyme.

2. Writing a crappy line because it will rhyme with the great one you just wrote
Example: Clouded vision reminds me of Sunday afternoon (yes, terrible but bear with me...) (author: hmmm, this is genius, but I need something to rhyme with afternoon.... Racoon!)
I eat garbage like a racoon.
See what I mean? the racoon thing has nothing to do with your story, but... it rhymes!

So, I hope this helps, rhymes aren't bad but just be aware that some can take away from your song.

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Again like I tell many other people. This is what you think and you cant be harsh on that. Yeah the idea may be kinda weak but you still get it across and that is important. The flow does go very well though. So I guess all an all I give it about a 4.5/10.

[Trigger_003]

Clouded vision reminds me of Sunday afternoon (yes, terrible but bear with me...) (author: hmmm, this is genius, but I need something to rhyme with afternoon.... Racoon!)
I eat garbage like a racoon.
:lol:

Ok, next time I try making up some new lyrics to one of my songs I'll try not to use rhymes for them. Thanks :thumb:

[morrissey]

Hey, don't avoid rhymes altogether! just stay away from those that are glaringly terrible :D (hey you're song really wasn't that bad, I am just venting in here :)).

[Trigger_003]

I meant to type "like", not "for"... lol sorry I was doing other stuff while writing that. Even if I tried to not rhyme, I'd end up doing some anyway. :p

It's ok man, don't worry about it :)