The Vocalist, crit ill crit back

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Ben Stivers
Date Unknown

The Vocalist

Black cord of the microphone sinks into the shadows of a darkened stage,
The blacklight overhead gives light to a fleeting day.
Breathing harder and about to burst out into lyrically driven rhythms,
Reality fades in, and now silence is all thats certain.

Volume increasing,
I can feel my heart beating,
About to yell out,
Pushing nervousness down.
I'll wear my heart on my sleeves,
And forget almost to breathe,
For just one night,
I'll own the spotlight.

Saying things you wish you'd never heard,
The hardly predictible pattern of my words.
If you feel what I'm saying then give back,
Fill the uncertainty, the things I feel I lack.

And breathe, just remember to breathe.
To hear the words, and see the crowd.
Hope not to faulter, hope not to give out.
And breathe, just remember to breathe.

[morrissey]

Saying things you wish you'd never heard,
The hardly predictible pattern of my words.
If you feel what I'm saying then give back,
Fill the uncertainty, the things I feel I lack.
I like this, pretty ironic that you are writing about writing/singing songs... in a song! ahaha... anyways, very good stuff.

Overall, I really like this song, can't offer much to help, but, um I like it.

OVerall 8/10

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

yeah its date unknown, because i was just looking for some paper i could reuse instead of having to write a new one for english (still in highschool), and i was like "whats this?", so i wrote the last stanza and posted

[morrissey]

yeah its date unknown, because i was just looking for some paper i could reuse instead of having to write a new one for english (still in highschool), and i was like "whats this?", so i wrote the last stanza and posted

hehe worst bump ever... just kidding

no, its a good song :)

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

it wasnt a bump i posted it like 2 minutes ago haha

[morrissey]

I know I know... that's why I said it was the worst... yes i'll be quiet now...

[espf-250htd06]

Fill the uncertainty, the things I feel I lack.

should chang to

Fill the uncertainty, the feelings that i lack.

i like that better idk thats the only improvement i have for you

good song kinda cool subject

7.9/10

check out my new song a venerable man and tell me what u think

[sketchyjoe]

The wording and the imagery is great and really gives you a clear picture of the situation you're describing. It also flows well. One thing that could be improved is the abundance of half-rhymes although they don't really affect the enjoyment of the song. 9/10 Keep up the Good Work



Please crit http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=263581