Petty Slavery

[session9]

It's not a song yet, just an idea I've been playing with for a while. Do you think it has any promise?

I'm a slave to sophistry, in ethos and in creed
With weak justifications and a healthy dose of greed
I'm a slave to pleasantry - good manners and a smile,
With freshly-ironed bigotry and well-tailored denial
I'm a slave to sanity, the children of the bland
With fear of every word and line of every book that's banned
I'm a slave to industry, the workhouse and the whip
With excommunication if my gratitude should slip
I'm a slave to apathy...to biscuits in the tin,
With pulp TV and cups of tea and life I cannot win

[morrissey]

Really good, but I see it more as a poem than a song, but hey, it's yours, do whatever you want :thumb:

Just a couple comments
With fear of every word and line of every book that's banned
I like this, but it doesn't flow very well when I read it... I don't know if it is 2 everys, or too many syllables, I'm not sure... but it just disrupts the flow... might I suggest a re-wording? (not sure how you would do it, but yeah...)

to biscuits in the tin,
Bah, I think you can do better than this....

Other than those teeny things, very good start, I would suggest a continuation.

P.S. I think the structure (I'm a slave... With...) works really well :)

Overall 8.5/10

[espf-250htd06]

deepest song ive read and understand EVER

i cant really tell you how to improve opon it your a little above me on this song writing thing at the moment

i cant hear this as a song unless is was a hardcore scream song which is good anyways

9/10

i can relate to almost every word of this first 9/10 ive ever give lol just cant give a 10/10 its not in me it could stand to be a few lines longer i think it would help get the point across a little better good job check out my song a venerable man and leave me a crit

[session9]

I wanted that bit about the biscuits to come across as suburban and mundane, so it sounds like I'm on target there! Yeah, I know. There's something there, I just haven't worked it out fully yet. I'm off to sleep now but I'll come back tomorrow and try and do a few more crits before I head off to work. (Maybe I'll come up with some more ideas for this too, though I promise nothing on that score.)

[Sloth]

(imagine a white kid who thinks he's black saying this) THAS TIGHT DOGG!


nah, it's solid.. I like it (I don't think or want to be black)

[morrissey]

I wanted that bit about the biscuits to come across as suburban and mundane, so it sounds like I'm on target there! Yeah, I know. There's something there, I just haven't worked it out fully yet. I'm off to sleep now but I'll come back tomorrow and try and do a few more crits before I head off to work. (Maybe I'll come up with some more ideas for this too, though I promise nothing on that score.)

I guess you won't read this until tomorrow, but whatever. The biscuits and tea... reminds me of England I guess... I'm not sure where you are from, if from England that it makes sense, but here in Canada (or US or whatever), eating biscuits and drinking tea isn't as common (unless you're like 80)... I don't know why I am writing this... I guess to say I could see where you are coming from, but wiht my background it sounds silly... Ok I'll shut up now :)

[session9]

No I haven't quite gone yet (though I should have...I'm going to have panda eyes tomorrow), so I understand why you didn't think it worked now. Thanks for that.

[morrissey]

No I haven't quite gone yet (though I should have...I'm going to have panda eyes tomorrow), so I understand why you didn't think it worked now. Thanks for that.

haha I live (barely) off of 3-4 hours of sleep... I am an insomniac :upset:
thanks for the reply.

[session9]

Well, I'm thinking about incorporating this into something else I'm working on as a section within it. I'll post the full thing at a later date when I've done some work on it, but it does seem to fit (thematically at least) with the other piece.

[AVIATOR]

It is very god indeed, but what is it? A verse, chorus, or is it the entire song? In my opinion it needs a bit more words in it. But still a seriously good piece of work!!!

[session9]

The post immediately above yours should give you an idea - it's not anything as of yet, just a few lines that will be shoehorned into another song as a little midsection or something. I just liked the look of it, so I posted it.