a venerable man (i gota know what yal think about this one)

[espf-250htd06]

a venerable man
lays were he spent his life

hands of affliction
from all the hard days

avarice you claim as his passion
driven by possesion

determined to stand without braces
reluctant to walk without assitance
regard cant be valued
the respect priceless

my cherry heart thrives
behind my royal collar
iam more vital than lifeless
as i lay were i spent my life

you ever held the dirt in your hands?

you ever held the shovel determined to push down?

your heart ever received the sweaty cash you earned?

you come for the pay and stay for the work

tarnished spirt
but isnt rusted
dont let me rub off
on your sparkling white

cleanse your hands of filth
pay your regrets
before you beguile your way to the top
take a look below
take a look at a venerable man who
lays were he spent his life

liberty recieved without riches
elminate your foundation
stand........
stand up to show respect to
priceless joy of dirty hands.


here it is my 2nd attempt keep most of the old and added some tell me what you think now



wanted to right a song on this subject forever, cause of all the songs now days saying work driven by greed and you end up with nothing so here it is the anti song to that lol tell me what yal think on this one good or bad thanks

[morrissey]

Wow... I highly doubt you've read this, but "L'Avare" by Moliere... not sure what it would be called in English, maybe "The Miser" or something... anyway it's a famous french play about this rich miser, your song totally reminded me of it.

Good subject, isn't written about everyday. But lyrically, not the best I've read.

But a good start nontheless.

eradicate your cushion
Meh, I don't like this line.

I like what you are trying to say, but the wording etc. is very direct, perhaps a little too direct... If you went "under the surface" a bit more... more depth, imagery etc. I think you could have an awesome song here.

[Sloth]

determined to stand without braces
reluctant to walk without assitance
regard cant be valued
the respect priceless great

(major labeling, generalization) the average readers wouldn't understand words like, "avarice, beguile, venerable" If you're writing for a more educated audience then it's fine... but on forums like this, there are wide varieties of people.. so heads up on that..
Overall.. it's pretty ok.. I just think you can do a better job than you did with this..

[espf-250htd06]

yea it is to direct which isnt usually how i write i am not done here i like what ive got to work with here thanks for the crit lol your a **** criting fool here latly you must get bored alot

i can relate to that

[espf-250htd06]

yea i like to through it words like that to, idk so it dont sound like everyday **** you know what i mean

i see what your saying but they can lookem up if they want to lol, i just think using words that you dont hear that often sounds good in a song/poem thanks for the crit

[morrissey]

yea it is to direct which isnt usually how i write i am not done here i like what ive got to work with here thanks for the crit lol your a **** criting fool here latly you must get bored alot

i can relate to that

Not sure if you are referring to me or to sloth, but if it is to me... I am always doing some type of school work (typing notes, doing research, reading articles, writing essays etc. etc.) and I get bored of that every minute or two so I come on here and waste time :D... what a fascinating life I lead, eh?

[espf-250htd06]

yea i think everybody on here has just got such exciting lives lol we should all have a party and get drunk

[Sloth]

I'm not sure who you're talking to either... But I'm the same as Morrissey.. ****in college.. yeah dude... let's do that... We can write a bunch.. and then the next day be like, "what the hell was i thinking?!"

[morrissey]

ah yes.. let's all sing terribly off key and throw up on our keyboards :D sounds like a plan :lol:

[espf-250htd06]

i cant wait

[session9]

I like the concept, and I don't think it needs much in the way of revision either. I appreciate a straightforward message, and I don't see this working half as well if it were veiled in conceit and made intentionally oblique.

I don't give marks out of ten, but in the short time since I first came to this section fo the forum, it's one of the things I've read on here that I will probably return to and read again at a later date, and there aren't many of them. Thanks for directing me here by the way."espf-250htd06"...

(WTF is that name all about anyway?)

[morrissey]

similar question... espf, who is on your avatar?

[espf-250htd06]

my avatar is just some dude singing its one of the generic avatars no my on

my id is first the name of my guitar esp f-250

then htd- which is a good band haste the day

then 06 which is the year i graduate

[morrissey]

good explanation - no one would ever guess the username though :)

[espf-250htd06]

bump

[Cobainerd]

I Can't post new tread's for 24 hours but I really wanted to know what you all think of this one...................(I'm A dutch kid, so if there are any mistake's in the grammar plz tell me)

God is mastrubating, God is losing breath.
Jesus penetrating, Jesus isn't dead.
Angels castrating, angels looking kinda sad...

Jesus were is your paradise?
Running out of alibies.
Are angels just lullabies?

God is kinda gay, God is full of greed.
Jesus ran away, Jesus packing weed.
Angels..........
Are angels just lullabies?

Jesus were is your paradise?
Running out of alibies.
Are angels just lullabies?

God is one big whore, God our saviour.
Jesus.....Were is your paradis?
Angels....Just lullabies?

God is one big whore, God our saviour....
God our saviour....
God our saviour....
God our saviour.........

[Cobainerd]

oh yeah I liked your lyric :)
The end I liked the most

[Sloth]

dude! what the hell are you doing? No wonder you're not aloud to post... you do stupid **** like this! get the hell outa espf's thread

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

he's a noob, but yeah thats a bad way to start

-1 rep for you "brah" (bro ;))

as for you song, pretty damn good sir. although when you got to those sections where you were asking questions starting with you, i would but a have in front of those and a has in front of your... it just is an easier flow then.

the second to last stanza was the weakest by far, try revising it to make it less ZZZZZzzzzZZZZ :)

8/10
sorry for taking so long to crit back

[espf-250htd06]

thanks for the crits

cobainerd idk what to say to you cept u suck ur song sucked lol and never ever post a song as a crit ever again on mine iight???

idk about the 2nd to last verse it does seem a little boring but idk i think it might just need tweaking a bite

[espf-250htd06]

2nd edit yal let me know what you think now

[Shadow18]

Wow I really like it, I couldnt really grasp what its about but I loved the first couple verses. I would make it detailed but Im kinda in a hurry so Ill re read it later and crit more.

8/10

[morrissey]

its about a venerable man :rolleyes:


:lol:

[espf-250htd06]

lol how do u like the second edit morrissey???
i added a few metaphors which i think are pretty cool

any better??

[morrissey]

I still liked it, I think it was better, just one line:

I didn't notice it the first time, but
my cherry heart thrives
Cherry? I think you can do better than that (just don't say crimson!!)

But other than that, its good :thumb:

[espf-250htd06]

lol i was trying to avoid crimson but idk what else would fit i didnt wana use red either idk ill work on it thanks

[morrissey]

I know, its just that cherry sounds all sweet and happy etc., but a heart isn't really like that

[bigskinny2006]

I like the way you dont write what everyone else writes about, which makes it stand out, which is of most importance, lol.

[espf-250htd06]

yea here latly iam just picking my brain for a new idea this one turned out alright any more crits??

[baby2blue]

I liked this song. I agree with morrissey on the "cherry" thing. Pick somethin better to say. But yea, this is a good song. Kudas! later!