IN VAIN... please critique

[drummerben]

Ok, my last one really bombed because it was the first one I wrote in over a year...I hope you like this one...

Compassion has his alibi
The Cross had its ambitions
Listen to this prophet’s weary whispers
“I die for the manner in which we lie”

Shadowed in the dissonance
Shrouding eyes of the untainted
Quick to penetrate the virgin ears
Willful pawns are wet in the trenches

Saturated with the pride that holds the nail
In vain, justice prevails

I die for the manner in which we lie…
I die for the manner in which we lie…

…But even the noose is far to kind

To stubborn to realize that
Good and evil isn’t so black and white
Saturated with the conceit that holds your nail
Despite you, justice prevails

Something so vile could be beautiful in its simplicity
Why, then, do you look upon me with such pity?
If we bleed our shame onto this eternal stone
We, as yet, mightn’t die alone

[espf-250htd06]

i think i get this song if not oh well i got something out of it either way

i like your style this is a awesome song i can tell alot of thought went in to it and the main line is extremly powerful

8.8/10

check out my song take the blame i would apperiacate a crit greatly

[drummerben]

wow, thanks a lot... I really appreciate it! You're right, a lot of thought did go into this, especially because I took a big break from songwriting and I'm just getting back into it

[drummerben]

I just added the ending on there, I forgot to write in on there when I first made the thread

[Sloth]

yeah man.. i like this.. I wouldn't say I believe it, but it's good.
To stubborn to realize that
Good and evil isn’t so black and white
best part I think

[tellyourfriends9]

nice man, some kick@$$ writing

i got some lyrics posted on here, i hope u check mine out too

[morrissey]

I suppose I like this song, nice (well not really but you know) religious song.. some good lyrics in here. Just one "complaint":

We, as yet, mightn’t die alone
It looks to me like you are really trying to complicate things here, but it doesn't seem necessary. I don't know if you see it that way, but in my opinion... meh.

Overall very good song though

8/10... sorry I couldn't be more helpful

[drummerben]

thanks a lot, I mean...I didn't sit down and tell myself I would write this type of song, it just came out. But yeah, thanks for the crits..Any more?

[drummerben]

c'mon, crits anyone?

[drummerben]

pweese???

[Burningwater]

reminds me of Eulogy by Tool
It doesn't necessarily agree with my beliefs, but the lyrics really stab at christianity(btw, I'm not christian either)
It didn't really rhyme, but it had good flow, good job.
crit mine if you get a chance, you'll find it under crucify, but I changed the name to belligerence

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Wow man. Just wow. The writing in this song was so amazing and the flow is great. I wish my songs would flow like this. It really is good. I get the meaning, (or at least I got a meaning out of it. Keep up the good work because you can go far with this song. That song is still is in my head and may be for a while 9.3/10. :thumb:

P.S- My song is kinda crappy but if you could critique it I would really appriciate it. It is called Bombs over Baghdad. Thanks.

[drummerben]

thanks a lot, and thirdeyeblindislit, I read your lyrics, and even though I didn't have time to crit it, it had a really good meaning to it, I liked it...I liked your intro, how you had the father and the daughter talking on the phone. Good job creating an image in the reader's mind. If I find time, I'll crit both yours and burningwater's

[SarcasticVirtue]

Compassion has his alibi
The Cross had its ambitions
Listen to this prophet’s weary whispers
“I die for the manner in which we lie”

I don't find that quoting speech of someone in a song is very productive... and Compassion has his alibi? Not sure about that one. But you might find it in your interest to change it to 'her', as the general sterotype is that females would be more compassionate than men. And why does a prophet die for the manner in which he lives? The song strikes me as if someone is dying to help their country. That doesn't really fit a prophet. Nice personification with Compassion and the Cross though.

Shadowed in the dissonance
Shrouding eyes of the untainted
Quick to penetrate the virgin ears
Willful pawns are wet in the trenches

Sounds like kids going into battle. Nice. I'm guessing this is a song about war? And the participants are in their first battle - hooray! Spoil the souls of the innocents.

Saturated with the pride that holds the nail
In vain, justice prevails

I die for the manner in which we lie…
I die for the manner in which we lie…

…But even the noose is far to kind

Not much to say on this one, it clearly states you're the prophet. I guess your character in the song might be that of someone forseeing their death. '…But even the noose is far to kind' is a nice quote. To is spelled with two o's though.

To stubborn to realize that
Good and evil isn’t so black and white
Saturated with the conceit that holds your nail
Despite you, justice prevails

Saying a word like Saturated twice gives the song a repetitive and unamazing feel.

Something so vile could be beautiful in its simplicity
Why, then, do you look upon me with such pity?
If we bleed our shame onto this eternal stone
We, as yet, mightn’t die alone

-No comment-
Actually that was a comment.. and so was this.. and that.. and that.. and that..

[drummerben]

actually...it says "I die for the manner in which we lie" and not "I die for the manner in which he lives" as you stated...Nice interpretation of the song (and yes, I do realize that too is spelled with 2 o's...it was simply a typo). I will take your advice on trying to replace the word saturated with something else.

[session9]

I think you should leave it as is, it's a nice twist on the original "pride" line. Not every line has to be totally different for it to be a good song.

[morrissey]

Fight, fight... nevermind, I'll retreat back to my shell :upset:

[drummerben]

lol

[SarcasticVirtue]

Sorry for my error.

[thirdeyeblindislit]

thanks a lot, and thirdeyeblindislit, I read your lyrics, and even though I didn't have time to crit it, it had a really good meaning to it, I liked it...I liked your intro, how you had the father and the daughter talking on the phone. Good job creating an image in the reader's mind. If I find time, I'll crit both yours and burningwater's

Thanks that means alot. Keep up the good work. :smoke:

[drummerben]

Sorry for my error.

Nah dont worry about it, everyone makes mistakes :rolleyes:

[Burningwater]

Thanks that means alot. Keep up the good work. :smoke:
What he said.