"drowning"

[MakinSalad]

intro:
drowning whispers
burning cries
here i lie
the pain within
to deep to give in
the power drains me
the wrath defeats me
i give in
i give up
drowning and crying
i sit here dying

Verse1:
the pain within
lies beneath
give you my hand
try to reach
too far away
lost without you
where did you go
i dont know
search for you
what did i do
dont want this
just want one wish
just one last kiss
you will be missed
put me to sleep
poision me deep

Chorus:
dont look forward, dont look back
move ahead, start a new track
le me dying here
i sit here alone in fear
drowning and crying,
i'm drowning, i'm crying,
burry me alive, suffocate me,
i'm dying

Verse2:
i look in the mirror
i break the glass
the blood shatters
how long will it last
it drags me on
the pain has reached too long
i cannot survive
dont wanna be alive
so i turn to drugs
intoxication is the answer
i'm too ****ed up
my life is out of luck
i want to dream
never wake up
i want to die
escape from all these lies

Bridge: drowning, crying, smothered, suffered

[morrissey]

I am going to try to do my first *full* critique, we'll see how it goes :thumb:

intro:
drowning whispers
burning cries
here i lie
I like the imagery of drowning whispers/burning cries, but here I lie is very weak

the pain within
to deep to give in
the power drains me
the wrath defeats me
This part is unimpressive...

i give in
i give up
drowning and crying
i sit here dying
Uh... another weak one.

Ok, I've decided to stop the full critique, it isn't really working... I feel like I am just dissing your song, hopefully I can be more helpful than that...

Overall, I don't like how short each line is, it seems awkward/jagged... something like that... what I am trying to say is, that it isn't "natural" to read when it is that short...


dont look forward, dont look back
move ahead, start a new track
Yikes... "start a new track"... come on.

I like the second verse though, much better than the rest of the song.

I am guessing that you are a newish writer... this is a good start if so, but it could still use alot of work. I am going to suggest something that I have suggested to a few other members here:


a. Try to get "below the surface" with your topic. I am no expert on this by far, but suggestions would be using metaphors, imagery, symbolism etc. to convey a deeper meaning.

b. Read other members' work on these forums. Notice the good/bad aspects of their work, and then read the comments. You can learn to understand what works really well in a piece, and what really doesn't work.

c. Go to some lyrics site, randomly click a lyric (artist/song doesn't matter) and just read their stuff. You can learn tricks etc. to see what really works :)

d. No matter what, keep writing. When you look back on these lyrics a year from now, you might laugh, but it is all about progression :thumb:

I hope that helps :)...